A Little Too Soon for Goodbye

22 -Loss

February 1st

Dear Diary,
I don't know what to do. My parents can't look at me without crying ever since I decided to stop treatment, all of my friends are slowly distancing themselves, and I haven't seen Adrien since January 15th. He's just gone. I went over to his house, and no one answered. They refused me. I'm so alone.

I've finished packing up all of my things, and have donated several boxes of clothes. I don't think I'm going to make it to April. I'm too sick. My body is withering away. It's getting to a point where I'm struggling to get up to my room. To even go up to my bed. The past couple of nights I've been sleeping on my chaise. But I have to hide it.

It's too hard on my parents already. They aren't ready to lose me. I'm not sure if I'm ready to lose myself yet. I know the second I check in to the hospital, I won't leave. It'll have been the building I was born in and the building I will die in.

I've never thought much about my death.

On a different note, I have a box for my grandma, grandpa, uncle, mom, dad, and Alya and Adrien. I'm also planning on writing notes to everyone. I want people to know how much I cared for them. I need them to know. I love life, and suddenly it's being ripped away.

I think I'm going to put my journal in Adrien's box. Before I got sick, I spent a lot of time writing about how much I loved him and how scared I was to talk to him. I still love him. I always will. He is my forever, even if I'm not his.

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I close my journal, and put it on my desk. I go and lay down, dragging the oxygen tank behind me. I pick up my phone, seeing zero notifications. I sigh, and do my usual call to Adrien.

It rings ten times, then his familiar voice mail plays in my ear. It beeps, and I sigh. "Hey Adrien. Just... calling like usual. I don't even know if you listen to these." I pause, then curse under my breath. "I miss you. And I know you don't agree with my decision and you have every right to, but I need you in my life. I don't care how. Everyone is pushing me away. You, my friends, even my parents."

Tears well up in my eyes, and I take a few seconds, sniffing. "I just... I need my friend back. I'm already doing so much worse. I haven't told anyone cause I'm stupid, apparently, but I'm so much worse. I don't think I'm going to make it to April, Adrien. So please, call back. Or... y'know what? Don't. I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Night."

I end the voicemail, and drop my phone onto the floor. Tears stream down my cheeks, and I can't find it in me to care anymore. I can't hide this anymore. I can't hide the fact that I'm sick.

I can't even eat food anymore. All I get is a disgusting bag of slush that looks too much like baby vomit and even the idea of baby vomit makes me cry harder.

I'll never be a mom.

The thought has crossed my mind a few times, but this time it sets in. A weight, heavy in cold, is suddenly where my heart was a few seconds ago. It's crushing and spreads through my body. I'll never be a mother.

I don't care if I would have gone to college, become a fashion designer, got all I aspired in life. The main thing that I wanted was children, and now that won't happen. I clutch at my stomach, curling up into a ball, and cover my mouth. I sob, loudly, and my mother runs up into the room.

I turn and look at her, and she looks at me. "What's wrong?" She asks, and I'm instantly in her arms. I cling on to her like a lifeline, and tears keep streaming down my face. "Darling, what's wrong?" She asks, and I have to gasp for air.

"I won't be a mom." I stutter out, and realization crosses her features. She holds me closer, and I still clutch at my stomach, morning the loss of my children that were never meant to be.

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Sorry for the short chapter! It was just a filler. There will be more the next chapter!!!