cw: swearing, suicidal thoughts, secret drinking, drug use, arguing.
it's running through his head, why did tommy say that horrible thing? "i only have myself to blame." wilbur mumbles to himself, as he gets in the car. "d-daddy.." lulah snivelled. "yes my beautiful babygirl?" wilbur replies.
"why did you a-argue with uncle t-tommy.." she asks, sounding so glum, as if the happiness was drained out of her. "don't worry lulu." he proceeds to drive to the hospital to collect val.
———
an hour passes and they take valerie home. "w-wilbur?" val asks.
"yes honey?" wilbur replies.
"why.. why did you drop that bottle.. you could've killed me.." valerie looks at him, genuine fear in her eyes.
"you know i never meant to, i was shaking, just don't grab my wrist ever again." he looks back at her.
"okay.." she smiles a little bit.
"valerie.."
"wilbur.."
"can i see where i accidentally cut you?" wilbur asks. so she shows her left wrist all stitched up, so, wilbur gently kisses every scar on her wrist. "im sorry.. so
so sorry." he mentions.
"wilbur i can't feel you kissing them, but it genuinely just feels so safe to me." valerie bubbled. she actually felt loved, so loved. "anything for you, my pretty girl." wilbur replies, as he presses another gentle kiss on her wrist.
"i hate the new you, man." keeps running round his head. as wilbur walks into the kitchen, he looks at the knives on the knife rack. he goes to grab the sharpest one there until he hears "daddy, uncle tommy's messaged you!!" from tallulah. he takes a deep, shakily, breath and walks out with a smile on his face. "can i see babygirl?" wilbur asks, as tallulah passes wilbur his phone. the text message reads:
tommy: to wilbur, i'm so fucking sorry for saying that horrible shit. i know i never shouldb've said something like that, if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me yeah? you're like a brother to me wil. please forgive me, i'm sorry.
he takes a while to reply, he just stares at the message. fuck. he reads it and types back
wilbur: don't apologise, i'm fine though, don't worry about me, okay? it's just a rough week like i said." he sends it.
valerie gets a text off niki, her best friend.
niki: something's wrong with wilbur. i don't know what, but i feel as if there just is.
valerie: there isn't. he's told me he's okay, and he's promised. he'd never break a promise? right?
niki: i'm just trying to look out for you alright? i don't want you getting hurt.
valerie: ok👍🏻
she leaves her on read, "i'm gonna get a drink.. want one?" she asks wilbur.
"oh no i'll get us one!! what would you like?" wilbur pleaded, a gentle smile following afterwards.
"water, please." val asks.
"okay! i'll go get us some honey." he replies, pressing a soft and gentle kiss on her lips. as he walks back into the fridge, he gets two glasses. he proceeded to pour some water into valerie's, and as he locks the door, he gets out his vodka from the cabinet and pours it into his glass. "what am i doing?" is going through wilbur's head. "i'm a total psychopath. i need help." also goes through his head, he wishes his thoughts would just piss off. he wants to be normal again, like he used to. the way he was when tallulah was a baby. until those thoughts, the thoughts of killing himself came back.
kill yourself.
fucking grab a knife and stab yourself or slit your throat.
nobody would even care.
do it william. don't be a pussy.
do it.
do it.
kill yourself and make it work.
grab the pills from the top shelf and down them.
end your life.
you have no purpose.
he snapped out of it when he heard a knock on the door. "wilbur, are you okay in there?" it was valerie's voice. "yeah i'll be out soon!!" he mentions, he goes to down his almost empty vodka bottle but he puts it back where it belongs. as he unlocks the door, he gives valerie her water. "cheers.." val chuckles, as she drinks from her glass. he smiles. "come on, i think we should go drink our water in the living room so we can look after lulah.." wilbur exclaims.
"okay, for you." val disputed, as they sit on the sofa.
———
"are you okay wil? you seem a bit.. dissociative." val asks, worry in her voice.
he's terribly drunk now, the glass full of vodka, absolutely gone. "nothing, im okayy.." he smiles.
"are you sure?" she questions him.
he just goes upstairs, into their shared room. as he opens his bottom drawer and moves his clothes to the side, and pulls out the plastic, resealable bag. as he rolls up his cigarette with the drugs from the bag inside of it, he heard valerie knocking, "it's me babe, im sorry.." val quivered, in genuine fear.
"don't come in, i'm doing something!!" wilbur exclaims, realising he'd forgot to lock the door.
"okay honey.." valerie goes back downstairs, and he opens the window and smokes out the window.
about 10 minutes pass and valerie barges into the room. "what the fuck are yo-.." her sentence is cut off completely when she sees he's smoking. "william."
"whatt.. go away." wilbur groaned.
"you told me you quit, months ago." she grabs the cigarette out of in between his two fingers and chucks it out the window. "hey i was smoking that you cunt!!" wilbur shouts at her.
"well maybe you should fucking stop getting high or drunk for once and notice your daughter, tallulah was calling you. she could've gotten hurt!!" valerie shouts back.
"i-i-.." wilbur splutters out, his vision starts going blurry now.
"what would you do if she was seriously hurt!!!" she yells.
"go away.. every time we fight, for the love of god you make me feel like a massive migraine that won't leave me alone." wilbur mumbles.
"what?!" she yells again.
but this time, it's not the same. there's ringing in his ears, valerie sounds ten times louder then she should be, his head is pounding and the room is spinning,
"v-val.. i c-can't see a t-thing." wilbur exclaims, his voice shaking.
"we'll argue later, william." valerie storms out and wilbur falls to the floor, collapsing.
after a while he gains consciousness, and he looks on his phone, 43 missed calls, 76 missed messages, all from tommy. some of them even read:
tommy: are you alive?! don't tell me you did something stupid.
tommy: wilbur. reply.
tommy: come on wil, i know you might be sleeping just honestly, please reply.
he swipes up and types.
wilbur: sorry man, fainted haha. i'm all ok now.
tommy: god you scared me! what made you faint if you know?
wilbur types "i got high again. i'm sorry tom." but he deletes it, he doesn't want him to know so he just replies with "i don't know."
tommy doesn't reply after that, he genuinely doesn't know what to say.
nor does wilbur, other than the words, "i'm fine."
"i'll always be fine."
YOU ARE READING
i think this time i'm dying // a wilbur soot fanfiction
Fanfictionwilbur soot is majorly suffering with his mental health, and he feels so lost and lonely, even with his girlfriend, valerie and daughter, tallulah, by his side. no one can help him. not even his bestfriend tommy. "i don't want to be here val, i wish...
