what the motherfucking fuck am i doing right now in my crazy ass life?

this one probably won't be that funny if at all

tw: mental illness/sh/suicidal ideation/brief mention of repeated rape

a/n: please consider your mental health before you read this. if this could trigger you in any way, i will not under any circumstances be offended if you choose not to read this. i completely understand and your mental health should be a priority. love you all. 

hello. so until today i unfortunately did not know that september is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. now that i know, i thought i could talk about my experiences with mental illness. as i said, everyone's mental health is one of my priorities so if this triggers you you do not have to read it.

i've struggled with mental illness since i was seven years old. i was hospitalized the first time because i wanted to kill myself, and i had a plan for how, where, and when. i was there for a week, and during that time i was diagnosed with clinical depression as well as anxiety. my diagnoses have since expanded, but i'll get to that later. i began seeing a therapist after i was discharged from the hospital. for about a year or so after i struggled a lot with guilt and that didn't help much. i got better and stopped seeing my therapist for a while.

let's fast forward about a year and a half. in my school district there was a strike. it was only supposed to go for a week and then we'd be back in school. well things didn't quite go as planned because as soon as the strike was over, COVID-19 swept across the US. we were all in quarantine and started distance learning, which meant that i was at home, around the clock, alone with my thoughts. it wasn't so bad at first. i didn't have to go to school and no one had died yet! 

then someone died. after that people were dying every day and even more were in the hospitals and there was nowhere to put them. eventually we got used to it, but still. 

on may 21st of 2020 my family and i moved into our new home. four days later, something i never expected hit me like a tidal wave. George Floyd, a Black man at the age of  46, was killed by a white police officer by the name of Derek Chauvin in Northern Minneapolis while three other officers watched and did nothing. i remember being in shock. then the protests started. at first it was peaceful, but then it escalated. soon it had turned into riots. small businesses being looted, vandalized, and set on fire every night. curfews were put into place and there were always sirens. it scared me that no matter how far we've come it's still the same old story of one man taking the life of another simply because of the pigment of his skin. we saw the footage from a video of a seventeen year old girl who had been there.

i had asked my dad why the people watching had just stood there doing nothing. he explained to me that if they had tried to stop the officer they could have been killed. all four officers were fired and on 7/7/22 Derek Chauvin was sentenced to 21 years in Stillwater Prison for second degree murder, third degree murder, and second degree manslaughter. meanwhile all of this had affected my mental health in a less-than-pleasant way, but not horribly.

now here's the part where shit hit the fan. last school year, i was bullied relentlessly. it didn't escalate too much until february of this year when the kids who bullied me decided to play a cruel joke on me and tell half the grade about it to make a huge fool out of me. basically: i got played. then a week later someone spread a rumor that me and my ex had done it, which wasn't even funny because he had been raped repeatedly for four years. my mental health went to shit and i started cutting. i mentioned on august 29th that i was six months clean well that was what i'm clean from. at first i wasn't suicidal, but as it got worse i came extremely close to attempting overdose. before i did anything i texted 988 (if you don't know that's the suicide prevention hotline in the US. please dial it if you need it. for queer people specifically there's the Trevor Project. use that too.) i continued cutting though, and my parents noticed when we went to the pool at the hotel we stayed at over spring break. we told my therapist about it and she gave me other ideas on what to do. my main coping mechanism when i feel the urge to relapse (which i haven't in over a month) is drawing on myself.

i still struggle with depression and anxiety, and over the last almost six years my diagnoses have expanded to social anxiety, separation anxiety, abandonment issues, trauma (not quite ptsd tho), sensory processing issues, ADHD, and maybe autism.

i hope everyone here is doing okay at least today and if you're not that's fine too. your life is worth living. i care about you and so do so many people. lean on me if you need me i'm always open to talking. i won't judge you and anything you tell me will remain between us unless you make it explicitly clear to me that you either are in imminent danger or that you are okay with me telling others and even then i probably won't. you're not alone. i hope you get better and i wish you all the best. i hope you can hang on if you're wanting to go but in the end it's up to you. 

i love you all and i'm here for you.

happy suicide prevention awareness month. 💙💜 that heart is supposed to be teal but my ipad only has blue.

you're perfect just the way you are and i love you.

did i mention you look really good today? slay!!! ❤️❤️❤️

okay, bye y'all! ❤️❤️❤️