what the motherfucking fuck am i doing right now in my crazy ass life?

it's my life

okay, i don't really know why i'm doing this but here we go.

i have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

i mean, i'm just a kid. i make mistakes.

all.

 the.

time. 

i'm still learning.

and yet, so many people look at me and expect me to know it all. be completely prepared.

i'm not! just because i've been through a lot doesn't mean i have the knowledge and wisdom of life that my mother does.

yes, i've been through a lot. and yes, maybe it makes me more serious or more cautious sometimes.

but i'm still only a kid.

and over the past year i've began to realize.

i really have no fucking clue what i'm doing.

but that's okay.

because you know what? no one really does. we were all thrown into this crazy, wonderful, super overwhelming thing called life with no guidebook or anything. we have to figure it out on our own. with the guidance of others, of course, but the rest is up to us.

so yeah, we make mistakes. A LOT. but we're only human. and we're definitely not perfect.

and something else i've realized is, i shouldn't let the stupid, petty people — who i've done nothing to but who for whatever reason still don't like me — get to me. because if i lived by the criticism of all those people, if i edited myself based on their views of me, i wouldn't be able to move. so i say eff them. it's my life, and i only get one. so I get to decide how i live it. ME. not them. and i'm going to live it the way i want. as shannon messenger said as a description of biana vacker in kotlc book 8 when she was appointed as a regent, "i'm about to make my own legacy, and i can't wait for you to see what i'm going to do with it." and nothing anyone does or says to or about me is going to change that.

 i used to care about what people thought of me. and to an extent, i still do. of course i want people to like me. and i'll take constructive criticism. like if i'm inadvertently doing or saying something to hurt someone and i'm made aware of that, i'm going to listen. but if someone is being a bitch to me just because they don't like me and want me to change, all they're gonna get from me is my middle finger in their face. i refuse to change who i am just to accommodate others. i am not going to make myself miserable again just so others will like me. because if they don't like me for who i am right now then they're not worth my time and effort. so sorry sweetie, but you can shove your passive aggressive little comments where the sun doesn't shine. i'm not sorry for being who i am. because for once in my life, i'm comfortable in my own skin. i'm confident, and i don't give a shit about the people who aren't okay with that. you think i'm weird? thank you, i know! you think i'm a nerd? which one of us here actually does their schoolwork and puts an effort in. cause it ain't you! 

so if you don't like me or what i'm doing, feel free to tell me that. but if i'm not doing or saying anything to hurt someone, don't expect me to stop. if you're just being negative then i'm not stopping. and don't get mad at me if you comment with something negative and you get a sarcastic response back. i'm nice, but i can be a bitch when i want to be. 

i guess my point is, i'm going to make mistakes. and not everyone is going to like me. but that's fine with me. because i'm done trying to be this perfect girl who never messes up and edits every aspect of her personality just so people will like her. that girl is dead and gone. i'm messy. i'm imperfect. i'm loud. i'm a nerd. i'm weird. i'm a little crazy. i'm confident.  i'm a raging pansexual. but i'm happier than i've ever been in my entire life. 

it's my life.

and i get to decide how i live it.

and i think that's pretty damn awesome.