Journey along a stormy path

24. Rant

It was around eight thirty at night and all of them were sitting on a sofa
before the TV unit. Reya snuggled on Raghav's lap and Shirav sat in between Shriya and Raghav. Arihaan sat on the corner beside Shriya. They all were watching coco melon cartoon. Arihaan was least interested watching it but chose to snuggle near Shriya leaning his head on her arm.

Raghav and Shriya were simply watching the cartoon for they couldn't deny the fact that they loved the smiles adored on the faces of the twins. Shirav feel asleep after a while and Reya was playing with Raghav's beard.

Arihaan looked at Shriya as if asking if he could sleep with his parents and Shriya caressed his hair nodding a yes.

Arihaan then jumped on the bed as Shriya also placed Shirav beside him. Shriya asked Reya to join but she was adamant that she would sing a lullaby and make her father sleep first. Shriya simply placed two cotton balls in Shirav's ears as she did not want him to wake up de to Reya's "melodies". Raghav pretended to sleep and Reya too slept. All the children were deep asleep when Shriya got up from the bed and went outside towards the study  and took out her journal.

I stand on a path today
Not having courage to move ahead
Looking back I see only thorns
That I crossed
For I see stains of sorrow
The fuel of strength is now empty
What do I have for tommorow?
I do not want the tag of a victim
Nor that of survivor
Why can't for once life offer me life
Where I can breath, smile and live.
What is the price I have to pay?
Sacrifice? Lonliness? Self respect? Children? Honor?

Shriya kept her pen down and closed her journal. She placed her head on the book and tried to sleep like every day. Raghav came towards her as he saw she was done with her work. He tapped on her shoulder to see her look at him with red tear stricken eyes.

He hugged her and she let tears flow mercilessly on his shirt. She rested her head on his chest and uncontrollably sobbed. Raghav waited for her to calm down. She looked up after a while and said "I am sorry".

Raghav placed his lips on her forehead. As he moved towards her lips she moved back and stood up. "Raghav! Please! I will loose the last ounce of my self respect if I stoop any further than this. I cannot unlove you and it is my body reacting to your touch. I have no control over either but please understand that I don't want any of  this".

"What do you mean by this Sweetu?" He questioned worried looking at her tear stained face.

"I am not here to play house with you Raghav. If I am staying here I cannot be detached and unsee your suffering. Naturally I am drawn to being the wife and the daughter-in-law. Trust me I don't want this. I cannot afford to have my trust broken again and again. Truth be told your family has let me down".

"You have let me down. You might be ready to make things better now but frankly I am too broken to be fixed. It looks like a dream that I always dreamt of. It feels too good to be real. You and me with our lovely kids under one roof.  
What if I build my hopes again and they will be shattered after an year or two?"

Raghav tried to assure her but she moved two feet away showing her hand and said "I am not done yet".

"Where were you Raghav when I cried myself to sleep every night? Did you ever bother to contact me? With all the power you have and with the kind of ways you make things happen within seconds, was it too difficult to come to Bangalore?"

Shriya held his collar "Was it your anger or your ego?"

Raghav who was filled with guilt pleaded with his eyes asking her to stop.

"Sweetu! Please! You are hurting yourself" He said in a low voice.

"Not more than you have hurt me Raghav. You know what Raghav I needed you and only you. You knew it very well. Whom would I have shared all this with? That my husband never trusted me or my love for him? Do you know how it broke me? I sobbed pathetically every night writing everything I felt. Can there be anyone more alone than me?"

Raghav held her shoulders as she was at the verge of getting a panic attack. He did not have words to say as his heart was being peirced by each and every word of hers.

"You said I cheated on you with Aravind because you saw me hugging him in your cabin and me come out of hotel room? What about you Raghav? Back in the day you were about to get married to Avni. You guys were literally kissing each other in public. You had the audacity to say that you only lusted for me. Frankly, all of these harsh words never affected me after we got married because I loved you. For me love and true intentions are more important than fleeting emotions. I trusted you. I felt you were carried away but you loved me and I moved on from all the hurt and focused on our present and future. Couldn't you do the same with me even if you believed that I was with Aravind?"

"Did you ever love me Raghav? Was I always an available option for you? Are you doing whatever you are doing now because of guilt or pity for my worsening condition? If we never had any children between us would our paths ever cross again?"

"Don't answer that! I can not take any of our truths anymore. Do you remember Raghav you once told me that you are a one man woman and the woman in your life is Avni..."

Shriya harshly wiped her tears as they began spilling uncontrollably and Raghav tightened his grip on her shoulder only to be yanked away harshly by both her hands.

Shriya took another step behind suddenly straightened her posture and said with finality in her voice "That's the first death of an innocent lovestruck  Sweetu who would look at you with twinkling eyes in awe. I am sure you never noticed it but the one who lived after was a different version".

Raghav vulnerably said "Sweetu!  Please... d..don't...."

"Today you will have to listen Raghav! I am sorry if it hurts you but I have to say it. Your family accused me of so many things. I could have easily accused your dad of taking away my newborn from me. How dare he announce my child dead! He very well knew I left everybody and endured harsh humiliation for the sake of this child. How could he inhumanly take the child away from me? So many teen mothers are thriving in this world with minimum support. I was ready to embrace it all. Where were you in all of this? Five years Raghav! Five freaking years of living with the trauma of a loss of a child, a peice of your soul. I was only grateful but for him being alive. I never accused anyone but understood their motives and the intentions behind their actions despite my own suffering".

"What about them? Why can anyone for once not think about my intentions? Everybody accused me on the very first instance to be a disgrace to this family. What have I done to deserve it? You of all people had the audacity to say that my children are unlucky that I am their mother".

Raghav interupped her and said in a shivering voice "Sweetu! You know I did not mean it. I was just angry that day and I did not know..... what I was speaking and you know you are the best...."

Shriya interrupted him and said "You don't get to speak now Raghav! I am not done. I actually agree with your statement. You are right. They are indeed unlucky that I couldn't be there for them. I have failed them on so many levels. I have seen my dad being killed few days after their birth. The entire Shetty villa was under threat. There were goons trying to kill my brother and me. How could I take them there and put their life in danger. I failed to be there for them. I am not powerful enough to keep them and protect them. It kills me from inside each and everyday. I can not sleep at night wondering if they have eaten or are crying. I couldn't imagine Duggu's state".

"Was I so bad Raghav? Did you not feel like giving me a call even after looking at our boy suffering like that?"

Arihaan suddenly came out of nowhere and hugged Shriya placing his head on her waist. Shriya was shocked and became conscious. She made sure that she was in another room and it was a floor above the room children were sleeping. She realised about her rant, looked at a shattered Raghav after coming out of trance and feeling the the intensity of her words.

************
A/N:
Who is cutting onions?

So Shriya had a melt down.

What will happen now?

Do share your thoughts on the chapter.