No Going Back: A Marina Story

6: Home?

Maya loved Carina, with all of her heart. She would pull every star from the sky, along with the moon, sun and all four corners of heaven if it meant her wife was happy. Now Maya was confused, no amount of grief or guilt should ever make her step out on her wife. Sex? She let another woman touch her body in the most intimate way, in a way that had become a sacred practice, a ritual between her and her wife. A way to love, reconnect, reconcile, praise, appreciate and honour each other. Maya had thrown everything away, and if their marriage did survive this.. would it ever be the same?

Recovery was hard. Three days had passed since Maya woke up in the hospital, and if she wasn't doped up on pain meds the. she was in excruciating pain. Her head hurt so badly, she spent her nights in silent tears, laid on her stomach with her head in her pillow. A desperate attempt to escape any lights, and all pain. Carina would spend rubbing Maya's back in comfort, whispering sweet nothings to Maya. An attempt to comfort and console her. 

Maya wondered why Carina hadn't left, why she stuck by Maya's side after what she put her through. When she asked, Carina's answer was very simple.

"I still love you Maya. And I made a vow, in sickness and in health. We can discuss our situation..." Carina gestured wildly, "when you're feeling better"

It almost angered Maya how much kindness Carina was showing her. Anger towards herself, the type of anger that made her want to punch a wall just to bruise her own hands. Maya was waiting for this grace to end, she knew at some point it would have to.

Two days later Maya was being discharged.

"Are you ready to go?" Carina asked as Maya swung her legs over the side of the hospital bed.

"Yeah, I hated being here. I'm just glad the pain is under control,"

"mmh"

As Maya went to stand up she stumbled, a wave of dizziness almost knocking her to the ground. Carina immediately reached her hands out to steady Maya, and Maya immediately waved her off.

"I've got it," Maya said, her eyes still squeezed shut.

"Maya, bambina let me help you,"

Maya sighed "You shouldn't call me that"

"Che- Maya, please. I just want to get you back to the apartment safely," Carina responded, fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

"Why?" Maya snapped, "All you're going to do is drop me home and leave. I'm- i'm not saying that you shouldn't leave, I- I can't tell you what to do. But I don't understand why you're pretending to still love me Carina"

Carina stared at Maya with wide eyes. Why was she angry? Carina let out a breathy chuckle, and Maya looked embarrassed. "Pretending to love you!? I could say that about you, Maya,"

Maya opened her mouth to respond then closed it quickly. The Italian wanted to be calm, but she just couldn't keep her temper, she wanted to be a good wife, but her patience was wearing thin.

"I do not want to fight right now, Maya. Let's just go home, bene?"

Maya nodded, allowing Carina to wrap a had around Mayas waist, supporting their walk all the way to Carina's car. Once in, they started the short drive back to the apartment, it was awkward and eerily quiet. They never drove like this normally, but this wasn't normal. Their marriage was falling apart.

In no time they reached the apartment building they made their way out of the car and up to the apartment. Not without a quarrel about whether to take the stairs of the elevator.

"Carina a couple flights of stairs is not going to kill me! I haven't run in days," Maya argued.

"Running is what got you into this mess, Maya. Do you really think it'll help now!?"

Maya tried to stare Carina down, hoping she'd give in, but to no avail.

"Maya, giuro su Dio. Get in this elevator right now."

Maya mumbled something inaudible under her breath and dragged her feet across the hall over to the elevator.

Now they were back in the apartment, and Maya plopped herself down on the couch, exhausted. Carina on the other hand, couldn't sit still, the feelings she felt the last time she was in her bedroom, the revelation she received. It felt like her heart was breaking all over again.

Then the anger surged again and Carina stormed out of her bedroom and into the living room, now standing in front of a half asleep Maya.

"Delete that girls number. Right now Maya"

"Uh- uh yeah of course. of course," Maya spoke quickly, scrambling to grab her phone from her pocket, then obeying Carina's instruction.

"Do you know how much I love you? Is that why you did it? Because you knew I wouldn't just leave you? You think you can push me around and treat me like some rag doll in your play house" Carina spat suddenly.

Before Maya could respond Carina was yelling again, now with tears in her eyes. "What am I supposed to do now Maya!? How could you even do this to me again? Do you know what... you- you need therapy or something non lo so," Tears now running freely down Carina's tan skin.

Maya just sat there, she couldn't say anything other than; "I'm sorry Carina, I'm so sorry," But Carina was tired of hearing that now.

"Stop telling me that. Listen Maya. I won't leave you, not right now, but this..." Carina gestured between them, "you need to do something about this, I cannot live with a broken heart Maya. It will kill me."

Maya held back her own tears as Carina stormed into their bedroom and slammed the door behind her. She could hear Carina's broken sobs from the other side of the door, and she couldn't even comfort her wife. Maya was the one to cause all of this mess, it was all her fault.. She wanted to scream and cry, she wanted to hurt herself. Maya hated herself, but this wasn't about her and her feelings. Maya's wife, her beautiful wife was in the next room struggling to manage pain that she had caused.

Maya had to change. Fast.

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