Shadows in Tears

29

Everytime we argue, I feel angry..

Not at you, or at me, but the merciless nature of it all. I'm so filled with anger that my expression falls flat.
I get up to put my laundry away or do my nighttime routine or maybe even finish up some works, but none of it dismisses my anger.
It mirely subverts it.

Eventually, I sit with myself. I sit with my anger. I sit with it long enough that I realise that it's fear.
It's possibility of feeling grief.
The iota of a chance that the argument could boil over becoming means for mourning.
Naturally, grief follows loss.
With you, I cannot afford to lose.
The drastic chasm between the me who loves you so dearly he/she cried and the me who loves you so dearly he/she wails sit respectively on opposite scales of the same balance. The me who loves you so dearly he/she cried tips over, and the vertigo of falling so quickly and sleepy forces a wail out of him/her.

He/She, who loves you so dearly either way, begs.

He/She begs for comfort.
For understanding.
For you response.
For your love.
There is a sick, cruel, unabashed irony in it all.
I cannot turn to you to cry about you so,
I turn to everything else.
Everything which reminds me of you, and you, who reminds me of everything.
I grip tightly the jacket that lays limp warm.
I hug the plush racoon which stares at me so blankly as I spill
all my emotions into its shirt instead of yours.
Above all, I atare nothing.into the air,
Which suffocates me as if you're choking me with your own hands.

All this is to say I love you.
I look for you.
I care for you.
I wish nothing but you.
I don't care that you've upset me.
I don't care that I am angry.
Inside, I am raw and tender with yearning.
I yearn for you.
Sometimes you ignite my brain and drive me crazy.
Sometimes you carve your name into the walls of my heart which bleed at every scratch.
But yet, I cannot get enough of you.
I cannot stop loving you, nor do even I think about wanting to.
I fear, fear that you will see past me and stop loving me instead.
And that demands me to become so filled with rage.

Despite it all, I love you like a thousand suns love their galaxies.
I love you like the water loves its current.
I love you like a tree loves every ring of life in its trunk.

Despite it all, I year..