Everything Changes-The Summer I Turned Pretty

Fifteen

~Conrad~

The Benadryl I took didn't make me drowsy enough to fall back asleep, it only makes me more irritable...which is the last thing I really need. I curse under my breath as I scratch the rash on my arm.

I'm surprised that I was able to keep my cool downstairs after drinking that peach smoothie, but I feel like it has to do with something I said to Kristin, except I can't remember what. Actually, I can barely remember anything from last night besides the fact that I was the one who punched her. And I hate myself for it. What kind of older brother punches his little sister?

I hate myself for a lot of reasons. For allowing myself to be my father's pawn and falling in love with football. Then quitting football to defy him. I hate that I feel like I can't control myself and my temper, and that the only solution is to distance myself from everyone. But it's better this way, I keep reminding myself. It's better that everyone else stays happy and that I'm the only one struggling.

I hate the situation that's happening. I hate that it's happening to me and my family again.

I must doze off for a little while, because suddenly the house is really quiet. My head is still pounding, but I can swim through my thoughts enough to remember that the girls are at the country club for their silly debutante thing and the boys are there too for work. I'm not sure where Mom and Laurel went, but I'm glad they're gone as well.

I'm still in my clothes from yesterday and I can clearly smell the scent of beer on them. Smelling it makes me feel both like throwing up and also thirsty for more. I change into a pair of swim trunks and a t-shirt and decide that the best thing to get rid of the smell is the ocean.

The sun hurts my eyes at first, but then I decide that I don't mind the pain. The sand is hot on my feet but I enjoy that as well. It distracts me, because now I'm thinking about how this is the first time I've swam all summer.

For some reason that thought makes me angry and I dive into the first huge wave I see, bodysurfing it back to shore. Alone on the beach, I realize how terrible I am – a selfish brother, son, friend – and how this might be our last summer here.

My chest tightens and I crouch down, running sand through my fingers.

If you don't say it, then maybe it's not real. It's already not real to so many of them. They don't even know. It's only Mom and Laurel...

I shake my head and watch the water spray from my hair. The only thing that would be keeping me from the beach house next year is college, I tell myself and stand up. Then I walk back to the house to grab my pack of cigarettes and a beer and sit quietly alone, dangling my feet in the pool, until everyone comes home.

~Kristin~

"Conrad, open up would you?" I say loudly, pounding on his bedroom door. He's blasting music inside and seems to be unable to hear much else. "Fine, I'm coming in!" I warn and push the door open.

He stares at me blankly from his bed and I know immediately that he was drinking while we were gone. The feel-good feeling I've had all day fades away instantly.

"Why are you dressed up?" he asks me, even though I know he knows why. "And didn't Mom teach you to knock?"

"'Cause I just got back from the club," I answer him. Conrad's laying on his bed in only his swim trunks and his pillow is wet from his damp hair. "What were you up to?"

"Swimming."

I nod and walk over to his stereo and shut off the music so I don't have to yell to be heard over it. He sits up and reaches to pull my hand away, but he's too slow. He was definitely drinking.