With Every Breath I Take

Chapter Four: Sacred

I pulled my car into Forest Lawn Drive and entered through the wrought iron gates. It was Sunday morning, and I was making my routine weekly visit. I parked in my usual spot and exited my car, grabbing the bouquet of white roses I always brought with me.

Then, I walked up the beautiful green hill and dropped to my knees when I reached my destination. After placing the flowers on the ground, I caressed the cold marble headstone.

"Hi mom," I whispered. "I miss you so much. I could really use your guidance right now."

As tears ran down my cheeks, I reached for the roses and meticulously arranged them over her grave. My mom loved white roses, and I remembered how she would buy them from the grocery store every week and carefully arrange them in a vase for our dining table. So, after she died, I always made sure to arrange the flowers for her.

I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was seven years old, and I truly never recovered from the loss. My dad and older brothers tried to step in and take care of me, but they could never fill the void she had left. We had a special bond, and I knew she would support me in anything. She was the one who introduced me to dance and ballet. For four days out of the week, she would spend hours at the studio watching me dance and encouraging me to follow my passions. When I was injured, and my career as a dancer ended, I was heartbroken. I felt like I had let her down but —deep down— I knew my mother was proud of me. After all, I had followed my dreams.

"Mom, Theo broke my heart," I confessed. "I think he's ashamed of me. Maybe, I embarrass him...I'm not sure. Do you remember how you would tell me that silly phrase? 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Well, mom, words did hurt me. They broke me."

My mother knew how sensitive I was to others' opinions of me. She'd always caution me to ignore mean comments and keep my head up, but I could never do it. How could I when most of my life my value relied on criticism and praise? Whether it was from my dance instructors, choreographers, or even my family, my worth was always dependent on good reviews or critiques.

'Thalia, you need more air on your leaps. You're barely leaving the ground,' yelled my dance instructor.
'Thalia, did you gain weight? I guess you'll just have to be my chunky little swan,' criticized my choreographer.
'Sweetheart, I'm so proud of you. You were beautiful out there,' praised my dad.

I couldn't help it. I was programmed to be affected by words. They had a strong power over me.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks as I watched a mourning dove land next to my mother's headstone, making a quiet purring sound. I smiled as the bird slowly approached the flowers.

Fifteen minutes later, I was walking back to my car when I looked up and saw Theo parked across from me, leaning on his car with his arms crossed against his chest.

What was he doing? How dare he show up to my mother's burial site?

Theo knew about my weekly ritual. He had driven me a few times in the past and waited in the car as I made my visit. He understood this was a spiritual experience for me. Why would he invade it?

As I approached my car, Theo quickly walked toward me. "Thalia," he called out. "Sweetheart, can we please talk?"

"I don't want to talk right now, Theo," I replied with impatience.

"Please, Thalia. I don't know what's going on...you just disappeared yesterday morning. I called and texted you all day, and I even came to your apartment last night. Thalia, I knocked on your door for ten minutes. Why haven't you replied to me? Why are you ghosting me?"

"Ghosting?" I huffed. "Oh please, Theo. I only ignored you for one day. I would hardly call that ghosting."

"I don't understand. Why are you ignoring me?"

I blew out a breath and shook my head. "I didn't want to do this here, Theo. This place is sacred to me. I don't appreciate you cornering me here. But, okay, I'll tell you why I'm ignoring you." I took a deep breath and continued. "I think we've had a lot of fun. But I just don't see a future with you. I don't think we fit."

He stared at me frozen in shock. "Fit?" he croaked. "What does that even mean?"

"I just don't think I fit in with your world."

"Thalia, this is ridiculous. Of course we fit...we're perfect for each other. We're like yin and yang."

"I'm sorry," I said as I shook my head. "I just don't think so."

Then, I turned toward my car and reached for my door. As I pulled on the handle, I looked back at Theo over my shoulder. "Oh, and Theo... say hello to Liam from me."

After that, I entered my car, turned on my ignition, and drove away. As I looked up at my rear-view mirror, I noticed Theo was still standing frozen.

The following Sunday, I walked to my mother's grave site and stilled when I noticed it covered in white roses. After quickly sending a group message to my dad and brothers, I learned that none of them was responsible for the flowers. So, I drafted a text message to Theo and pressed send.

Did you bring my mom hundreds of white roses?

Seconds later, I received a response.

Teddy Bear: Yes, I owed her an apology for encroaching on your sacred place. I should've never surprised you there. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I blew out a breath and dropped down to my knees, greeting my mom. It was highly doubtful that my mother would be impressed.