Holding on.

Chapter 2(Self-harm)

Well, I have and still am going through a tough time with my life especially my mental and emotional health. So if you want to read to see if you relate or you are interested, here is my story about my self harm. There are different struggles I went through in each chapters. Which will also be labeled.

I had been hiding my self harm scars from October 2022-11 April 2023. It was hectic. Ever since 28 January, I started to pick up an addiction to self harming daily or 5-6 days a week. I would pick up my blade and try to cut my wrist and thigh as deep as I can. However, I was so scared of the consequences and the pain so I went the deepest I could go without making a permanent scar. I trusted so many people before semester 2 began which was after June ,so many people knew about my self harm but I usually told my best friend only, let's call her Jessie. She would tell me not to and try to stop me. I didn't listen and I was kind of attention seeking and asked if I could show it. Looking back in it now, it was embarrassing and childish and I apologised to Jessie after the June holidays. Moving on, everyday I went to school, none of my teachers noticed my scars on my wrist and I felt empty but also lucky because I wanted help and assurance from them but I also didn't want them to be worried about it.

However, everything took a turn on the 11th of April, my english teacher(which is also my form teacher) finished marking her papers so she decided to walk around the classroom as we were doing our schoolwork. I did not know that she was behind me and I was checking my work. She came up to me and I realised that my arm with scars all over was on my table, clearly visible to her eyes. I panicked and froze, I did not know what to do.

"(My real name), what are these red colour lines on your arm?" my teacher asked.

I was stuck, panicked, anxious and everything was mixed up. I replied with the shittiest and dumbest stuttered , "I accidentally banged my arm against the closet." However, my teacher misheard and said it a bit loud til' the whole class could hear.

After that, she whispered to me while Jessie was beside me and doing her work. My teacher asked, "( My real name), are you hurting yourself?" My whole body froze at the spot. My mind was a blank space. Didn't know what to say or think, I was about to cry because I was too anxious. I didn't nod or shake my head, I did nothing, just shaking my leg and picking on my skin. Then, she told me to follow her out of the classroom. She asked why I did it.I said that I was stressed out so I decided to do it. She asked more questions but I didn't dare to answer. When she realized I did not want to reply, she asked if I needed a counsellor to talk to. I nodded. I thought it would be the counsellor that I am comfortable with. But it wasn't. After the lesson ended, she talked to my math teacher. I assumed she was talking about my self harm because she was pointing at me while my math teacher stared at me. I was a bit embarrassed because I wasn't comfortable with him as my teacher in the first place.

Math lesson went decent , everything was normal but when it was near dismissal time, my other form teachers AKA my mother tongue teacher called me out of the class to meet my counsellor. She was old and I thought I could trust her. But, I was wrong. Long story, short, I told her about my family and stress because I trusted her at first but she tried to convince which felt like forcing me to allow her to call up my parents to talk about my self harm. Which made me feel so much more uncomfortable and I dislike her and still do til' now. There was a girl, let's call her Anne. Anne told her friends that I went for counselling because of my self harm. However, I was confused because I did not talk to her about the reason why I got into counselling. I suspect til' this day it was this girl, let's call her Kayla. Since Jesse told Kayla that I got caught self harming during class.

In term 3, my whole class was practicing for Prelims and PSLE oral. I was in a separate group without this group of girls. One person gossiping about me.She revealed that I used self harm in the past and that I did it for "attention" but I didn't. The fact that she almost has the same lifestyle as me yet want to accuse me of doing it for attention. It was draining to hear so many people talking shit about me. Yes, I do forgive them but I also hope karma will get to them.Well, everything is better now, I'm not really self harming regularly. Maybe during the times where I completely give up but it's probably after 1-2 months that I had enough bottling my feelings. In addition, I switched counsellors!! My counsellor is now the woman that I trust and feel comfortable to talk with. She doesn't tell my mother anything and never update her unlike my old counsellor. I felt relieved and happy to be with her. But, still a bit shy with her. I'm more comfortable with my form teachers though especially my mother tongue teacher but I don't bother her with my problems as much as before because I have a national exam called PSLE upcoming and she's stressed and we are all stressed. So, I don't bother her and try to find a solution to my problems.

Some people may ask, "Why don't you just stop self harming?" Well, if u think out of the box, it just reminds you that you were stuck in a place where u were surrounded with negativity all over and wanting to get out by harming yourself. And even if you're better and it's fading, you have a side of pride but at the same time , it's a shame bc you won't see something that reminds you about it and eventually forget about it. Another reason is, it became an addiction. You either love to feel the pain or see the red lines on your skin. It's a satisfaction and you can't stop unless you got into serious trouble with it. But of course, there's other ways to rant out your feelings like journaling.