Love Explosion [3]

Chapter 2 - Packing

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Chapter 2

August 23, Tuesday

Sienna's POV

I was alone in my room, gathering the things that I would bring with me for when I go to college. My parents seemed to be quite affected with me moving. I told them that it was completely okay that I still lived at home, but they kept on insisting that it's fine; they always wanted what is best for me.

But I think the sadness is finally hitting me; packing and leaving, as if I'm never coming back.

I can't believe it, all of it. I can't believe that I'm not a child anymore, that I've finished high school and am going to– to college! It's honestly all so bizarre, how fast everything goes by. I still remember the day I met Maeva as if it was yesterday. I still remember the day I met Kathrin. It's crazy how fast time goes by– and in a blink of an eye, my youth, my childhood, seemed to be all gone.

To be completely honest, school doesn't start until a bit over a month later– but me being me has to be ready overly early; get it out of the way, be done now so I don't have to worry about it later.

For a second, I stopped. I just stood still, looking around in my unusually messy room, scattered with clothes and objects, as well as open suitcases and what seemed to be millions of bags just laying around on the ground. And then my eyes landed on something– a pink diamond ring... the one Dylan got for me on my 17th birthday.

It was the first gift he's ever gotten me– from before we were even dating. I remember it, I remember it all. I remember crushing on him so hard throughout basically the entirety of primary school, then continuously crushing on him through middle school– getting jealous every time I saw him with another girl, feeling as if I've got my heart broken from every new girlfriend he got, even if we never actually dated.

And then, highschool, junior year, where everything got great– I finally started dating the boy I've been liking since third grade. And three months later, during Valentine's Day, he told me he loved me; and I said it back. Everything was amazing, life was amazing– perfect. Until the voices in my head corrupted me and ruined everything.

I tried to silence it, I really did, but they just got louder and louder the more I suppressed them. They took over me; and the worst part is that I don't even know why; didn't.

I loved Dylan, I loved him more than anything, but I can't be with someone knowing that I might not carry myself through the relationship. I can't put all of the work on him, because only having one person trying to keep a relationship is going to eventually tire him out; and by then, he would hate me.

Here's the thing, I don't truly know myself– not really. Who I am now is a version I've created to please everyone else– to make myself feel better; I've always cared too much of what others thought of me. But in doing so, I seemed to have got to a point of ultimate discomfort– mixed with bewilderment and distraughtness– where I don't know who I really am, yet I'm scared to find out.

But being with Dylan helped me understand that I can't be fully devoted to someone, and expect them to love me back the same, without actually knowing who I truly am. Which is why I'm trying to find that out. But being with him would only hold me back from knowing who I am within, and it would also hurt him deeply. Which is why I ended it.

For the first few weeks after the break up, I wanted nothing but to call him and tell him I didn't mean saying any of the things I've said. I wanted him back, desperately, because it felt worse without him; well, at least the version of me in immense pain believed so.

I would cry myself to sleep every night, basically bawl my eyes out whenever he is brought up, or whenever I merely even thought about him. He was my everything, and it only pained me so much more knowing I put him in such anguish; and he doesn't even know why.

After a while, it did get better. I could think about him without being completely sad, and at some point I could even talk about him again as if he was just another person– just a memory from the past– and not this token of pain that seemed to be tattooed in my brain.

And then after more time passed, it just got easier, and he just became another person that was in my life; someone that I used to love.

But seeing that ring, it seemed to have brought those feelings back– for a split second; like a flashback. I picked it up, skimming my fingers over it, holding it close to my face. I haven't put it on for so long, but I guess it pained me too much to put it on once more. So, as if stunned– shocked with electricity– I dropped the ring onto the table it was set on. I snapped out of my daze hearing my door slowly creaking open behind me.

Turning around, I saw Maeva, standing at the doorway with wide brown eyes as she scanned it across the room. "Wow– you're taking this college thing really seriously, aren't you?" She asked in a joking manner. I chucked grimly.

"Well, yea, you know me." I muttered in response, trying to hold a feeble smile, but even that was too hard; how could Maeva know me if I didn't even know myself?

The joy on Maeva's face faltered as what seemed to be a worrisome glint appeared in her eyes. She walked over to be leisurely, holding her two hands out to calmly be set on my arms; as if holding me, yet keeping her space. That seemed to be what I needed at that moment. I wanted to hold everyone so close, but I knew this was a journey I had to take alone.

"What's wrong?" She asked, offering me a slight smile. At first, I refused to catch her eye– I didn't want Maeva to see the slow tears that were streaming down my face. But then, I looked up, letting the warmth of Maeva's gaze engulf me.

"It seems like everything is wrong." I replied, my voice trembling– seeming so delicate– which is exactly how I felt; able to be shattered with just a mere touch.

Maeva spoke no more– she knew there was nothing more that needed to be said. She just held me, like she did multiple times before, yet every time it feels like it's the first time she's ever hugged me.

And I silently cried into her shoulder, feeling as if Maeva's thin arms were the only thing that was holding me together at that moment. I felt so broken. I felt like nothing in the world would ever save me. But there was something, someone– one person, and one person only– that will save me, and that someone can only be me.

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