Love Explosion [3]

Chapter 12 - Childhood

TW: Mentions of death, mentions of divorced parents

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Chapter 12

October 29, Friday

Sienna's POV

Is it weird that I feel like eternal doom is going to dawn down on me– if not now, then soon? Is it weird that I fear, with every waking second, that something terrible is going to happen in my life?

I grew up in a very stable and happy family, and I love that I did. I have the privilege to say that I remember my childhood, and that it was the best time of my life. I never had to worry about my parents' relationship, or when they're going to be mad at me next. So to summarise, I had what seemed to be the perfect family; with nothing to worry about, and able to live out my youth with sheer joy.

And it seems that everything around me, all the sorrow and loss, just never fully went into my head; even if it was shown right in front of me, I was still clouded with the illusion that everyone had the perfect life.

And I think leaving my house, the only place I was ever used to, and going to somewhere different, living somewhere different, seemed to have opened my mind to the fact that life is not just a recurring routine– event after event– and instead an unexpected blur. I really thought I knew everything when I was younger, but I guess life-beyond-childhood finally hit me.

Everything I was blinded from growing up– Kathrin's mother dying and her fathers' abuse, Maeva's father leaving, then coming back, then also dying, Nate's father leaving him out of the blue, and leaving his family to fend for themselves, Arthur's father passing so unexpectedly– I seemed to have realised at last that not everyone was happy.

After breaking up with Dylan, I think that was when life finally hit me; he made me realise that not everything is like how they are in cliché highschool movies– that the girl doesn't always end up with the guy, and not everything was how I thought it would be; should be.

So it just left me wondering: what's going to happen to me? What terrible thing was going to happen to me? Because then, it would be fair. Everyone had a thing, what's my thing?

And I think some time amidst the overthinking, I started crying. I started bawling my eyes out, alone in my dorm room, about nothing happening in particular, but what was bound to occur; or was Dylan my thing? Was what happened between Dylan and I my eternal doom? Which sure as hell hurt a lot, even if I was the one who initiated it.

Though unbeknownst to me, the door opened at some point, and someone walked in.

"Sienna? Sienna, what's wrong?" Clara called out, coming to sit down next to me on my bed. Still in my haze of despair, I didn't respond; choking on my own words as my sobs corrupted me.

"Sienna!" Clara snapped, voice sounding more rough, seeming to be clouded with worry that she didn't care that she was yelling.

Me, on the other hand, barely able to catch my breath, stammered out, "Ever– everything is dif– different now. Every– everything b– b– bad is happe– happening. I– I want to– to go back! I want to go ba– back."

Clara sternly put her hands onto my two cheeks as she wiped my tears with her thumbs, tangling her fingers with my hair. "Go back where Sienna?" She then asked.

"Home– I wan– wanna go home." I cried, trying to bow my head so that Clara wouldn't see my face, but she only gripped onto me tighter, forcing me to look up.

"I can bring you there right now, I can–" Clara tried saying, though I cut her off with another wail, "No– no– not like th– that. I wanna go ba– back to when everyth– thing was perfect. I wan– want to be a kid ag– g– gain. I don't want to gro– grow up."

Clara brought my face to her chest, wrapping one of her arms around me as her other one played with my hair. I cried into her shoulder, holding onto her so tight as if I would lose my grasp on life– as if everything would go off the rails and out of control.

And at that moment, I realised that I was holding the person I've been refusing for so long, when in reality, this might've been what I wanted since I first saw her.

I lifted my head up to look at her, looking into her dark eyes as if trying to find something within them. And without being able to catch myself, I swiftly leaned in so that her lips met mine.

Clara, with the hand she had buried in my hair, pushed me harder into her, as my blur of distress turned into an intoxicating haze of hand-sweating, heart-pounding, mind-scrambling events.

And right then, like a tide crashing onto shore, Dylan flashed in my head. Dylan and his too-loving self that got himself hurt with someone like me. I never thought of myself as selfish or hurtful, but what I did to him was inexcusably terrible.

As far as I know, I broke up with him because I hated myself; and I couldn't let him love me, and let myself love him, when love was so difficult at the moment.

So I broke up with him, to find myself, to go on the so-called cliché journey of self-love. But I needed it, because if I didn't, I would've only hated myself more.

Yet here I was, kissing another girl, and those corrupting thoughts I had with Dylan didn't seem to drown me then.

I must not be allowed to move on, not yet. Not until I've done something. Not until I've changed to a certain extent. I have to make up for it in some way, to become better so that breaking his heart was worth it in some way.

Taken aback, I quickly leaned away, scanning her face with my wide eyes. Right then, I felt the most absurd amount of guilt. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have kissed her. And without another thought, I dashed out of the room, leaving before anything more could occur.

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