The Fae Book 3: Butcher and Raine

Chapter 28 (Raine): A Roadmap

"What does that mean exactly, Butcher? You can't walk away from us? Didn't you just do that?"

"Not in the way you think," that deep voice said. And said no more.

Never exasperate a hormonal woman. "Then in what way?" I snapped.

"That was me trying to give you what you wanted. You don't want me in your lives. I get that, Raine, and don't blame you."

Again the man stopped talking. "And?"

"And I really tried for the last six weeks to come to terms with that, to give you what you wanted. It wasn't even supposed to be an issue, but then it became one."

"Why wouldn't it have been an issue? How could it not be?"

He looked at me as if he didn't understand my question. "Because I didn't expect to live when we tried to put the fae underground. It's why I gave Shadow instructions to make sure you were taken care of when I died. You and Alexandre."

When I died. Not if. When. This man didn't just say things like that. He was a man who ensured that he always won, who always came out on top. And yet he'd walked into this assuming he'd die.

I just stared at Butcher. "You honestly thought you were going to die?"

"Yeah, Raine. When I jumped through the portal, I knew I was going to die. I could fight, but the little bastards would have eventually won when I got tired, when I couldn't fight anymore."

He'd looked right at me just before he'd jumped, for a split second. That look he'd given me over his shoulder said more than most men could say in a day. He hadn't been afraid, but he had been saying goodbye.

"Then you called me back. You didn't have to, Raine."

The implications of that made me suck in my breath, as did the matter-of fact way he said it. You could have left me down there, and I'd have understood. 

"When you called me back, when I survived, I had to figure out a way to stay away from you. I knew if I didn't leave the state, I wouldn't be able to give you what you wanted, which was me out of your life. I spent a lot of the time I was away thinking."

I could grow old waiting for this man to explain shit to me, and I was tempted to use one of his three guns on him. "Thinking about what?"

"About how to get you to give me a chance, but that wouldn't have been fair after the shit I pulled. So I decided to come back, sign the papers and move to the new chapter."

This man told me that I made his heart beat differently, but he was willing to let me go because it was what he thought I wanted.

"Is that what you want?" And for once in my life, my face wasn't giving anything away.

"Doesn't matter. You don't need someone like me in your life, and Alexandre definitely doesn't need someone like me in his life." He hesitated.

"But?" I prompted.

"But I can't stay away from you, Raine."

I thought of Daisy telling me he was my psychopathic killer. Maybe she wasn't wrong.

"You can't stay away from me, and it seemed like I was the reason you jumped through the portal, that you even agreed to help drive the moon fae underground."

"You're the reason for everything, Raine." He didn't like admitting that, so he crossed his arms over his chest. "Are we done here?"

Not yet.

"A lot changed for me when I saw you dive through that portal, Butcher. I just don't know exactly what it means yet. I need to think about things like you did."

He continued to stare at me, and I wished for some hint of emotion on his face to give me any insight into what he was thinking. For all I knew, he could be contemplating an oil change for his bike. New methods of torture. His current guests in Hotel Hell. Who the hell knew with this man?

"So, I want to start with Alexandre," I said. 

"How so?"

"What's your number one job as a father?"

"To kill anyone who tries to fuck with my child." 

Well, that was immediate, if a tad disturbing, although I could understand the feeling.

"Maybe we'll come back to that question later. Let's start with holding the baby before we fuck anyone up," I suggested.

"What if I crush him to death? There's nothing to him. You have no idea how strong I am, Raine. None."

I had some idea, remembering how he'd grabbed that man at my yoga studio by the neck and dead lifted him off the floor with one arm. Without struggling. Without showing any effort. Just lifted a full-grown man like he was picking up a towel off the floor.

"Butcher, how many people have you crushed to death with your bare hands?"

He looked at me blankly. "On purpose or accidentally?"

Ummm...

"Accidentally." 

"Then none," he said right away.

Ummm...

"And how many on purpose?" I asked. I couldn't help myself because who wouldn't ask that when he was the one making the distinction?

Nothing.

"Blink twice if it's more than fifteen."

Nothing.

"Ten?"

Nothing.

OK, moving on. 

"Look at how I'm holding Alexandre. You'll put his head in the crook of your arm and curve your forearm around him. It'll feel odd at first, but the switch from taking him from my arms and snuggling him into your arm will eventually stop being awkward and become second nature."

Then, with me coaching him every step of the way, Butcher eventually held our son in his arm. Alexandre did look tiny against that giant body.

"Should I take his blanket off?" he asked.

"No. Most newborns like to be swaddled in a blanket. It makes them feel safe and cozy."

After the first half hour of holding Alexandre, he relaxed a bit so I told him not to move while I went into the bathroom. When I walked out a few minutes later, I stopped suddenly, surprised at the sight in front of me. Alexandre was on the bed, and a nurse was standing beside Butcher. 

"Show me again," he demanded.

Then the nurse wrapped our son in the little blanket, explaining each step. "Now you try it," she said as she unwrapped Alexandre.

Butcher wrapped him up, not as expertly as the nurse, but pretty darn well. Scooping him into his arm, Butcher looked at me. 

"Come get back into bed," he told me.

After the nurse asked me a few questions and checked my vitals, Butcher handed the baby back into my keeping, and the nurse left the room.

 "So that's the holding the baby lesson." I yawned, suddenly feeling exhausted. "You've got it, plus the swaddling."

"Go to sleep."

Yawning again, I realized I needed to. I was tired and my mind had been whirling ever since I'd awoken and found Butcher in my room a little over an hour ago. It seemed like so much longer.

"Butcher," I called his name quietly as I was falling to sleep, realizing I had to give this man a roadmap to normal behavior. He ran on instinct, always had it seemed, and he needed some normal coaching because this man had never had a chance to learn how to operate as most everyone else did.

"Yeah?"

"Don't shoot anyone."