The Mistake

Chapter 7- The call

Josh POV

Two weeks. It has been two fucking weeks since she died. I was devastated. I shouldn't have listened to her. I should have helped her, not bloody killed her. I know I didn't exactly stab her, but I might have well as done. I sent the bloody guy to stab her. I'm such a fucking idiot. I killed both of them. It was all my fucking fault. I killed m- and her. If I had put them first, they would be alive. They would be here. Not bloody six feet under. I hate this. I hate me. Ugh. I hate my stupid thoughts. I just want them to shut up. I don't need them constantly reminding me how stupid, reckless and selfish I am. So fucking selfish. Ugh. Fuck this. Grabbing a half-empty bottle from my bedside draw, I chugged not even bothering to see what it was. At this point, I just wanted to be numb. Unfortunately, the cheap beers most kids drink these days do not affect me. I had to drink the stronger stuff. Whiskey, Vodka, etc. At first, I would still them from my dad's drinking cupboard but then he stopped drinking, so I had to find other sources. Thankfully, there are a lot of older kids willing to sell drinks to us 'youngsters' as they like to call us. Speaking of, I had to go and collect my newest order from them. It was a right old bargain as well, __________. Climbing off my bed, I shoved some random jeans and a jumper and left my room. I started heading down the stairs but froze the second I heard my name.

"-Josh is like that too Liv, completely closed off, he barely even comes out his room anymore. It's scaring me." What? Why was he discussing me and I'm guessing Zach with Zach's mum. I couldn't hear what Ms Miller said next, but I most definitely didn't like the next words that left my dad's mouth.

"I know, me too. I don't know how they'll react to this, but I think we should get them therapy. It's been two-" I didn't hear the rest of that sentence as I pretty much ran to my room, the words pounding in my head. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. No. I refused. I'm not going to therapy. Not today. Not

tomorrow. Not ever. I wasn't fucking broken. I didn't need fucking therapy. I don't need fucking therapy. I didn't get it when she died so why should I need it now. I'm not some broken thing that needs to be fixed. They didn't try to fix me when she died, they let me fix myself. And now they want to fucking help me. Like hell. I don't care if my dad tries to force me to do fucking therapy, I just won't show up. I'm not doing this. I can't do this.

"Josh, you in there, can I talk to you please?" no, no, no, no. He's going to talk about the therapy, and I really don't want to so I do what anyone would do, I pretend to be asleep. Facing the wall so he can't see I'm awake, I hear him enter my room.

"Josh, you awake?" I ignore him. "I just need to talk about the funeral okay," I grunt in response, signalling him to talk. "We need to write your speech for the funeral tomorrow, I know you don't want to but we need to buddy. The funeral is on Sunday. You can write it, but you need to tell me once it is done yeah? I'll let you sleep now. Love you."

As soon as my door shuts, I let the tears fall. I don't know when they appeared, but they were now streaming down my face. He was right. I really didn't want to write it, but I didn't have another choice. I had to write it. I had to say it in front of everyone. Infront of him. After I fucking killed her. After I fucking listened to her and got someone to kill her. And I have to tell her parents how fucking devastated I am she's dead after being the fucking reason she's dead. I'm so fucking stupid. Why couldn't I just get her some fucking help? Why did I have to listen to her? He's going to hate me if he finds out it was me. Hell, I hate me.

PING. Shit. The order. I read the message.

Josh, you have 10 minutes to get here or I'm leaving.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jumping up, I grabbed my phone and wallet before quickly but carefully climb out of my window and head to the meeting point. I better get there on time. I really needed this order, especially if I was going to make it through the funeral. I was dreading that. I didn't want to say goodbye when she would've been alive had I not fucking listened to her.

"Josh, you're here, good. I was just about to leave." Without another word he handed me the package, his hand extended for the money I then placed in it. He then shook my hand before turning around and walking off. Home time, I guess.

By the time I got home and had climbed through my window, I was so ready to get high. Just as I was going to take the drugs, my dad knocked on my door again.

"Josh, I know your awake, I need to you to write the speech okay. Can you do that for me sooner rather than later please so that we can time it and make sure it's ready please." I really don't want to write the speech. If I write it, I'm officially saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. Say goodbye because I couldn't think and get her help. I really am an absolute idiot. How could I be so stupid. Now she's gone because I couldn't listen. I couldn't even tell Zach she was going to k- she was going to kill herself. She wanted to die. Why couldn't just tell Zach that, they could've talked it out, not done the exact opposite and listen to her and kill her. And now instead of celebrating her 16th birthday, we're saying goodbye to her forever. We're burning her body. The speech. Knowing I should write it before my dad get annoyed, I pull out a scrap of paper and a random pen from my desk. And then I wrote:

Lily,

You really were an angel. You were everything to us.

When we first met you, I knew our life had changed forever. You taught me and Zach so much. The 3 of us grew together over the course of yr7. I remember when we found our little hiding spot, you were so happy, we were happy. And even when the 2 of you started dating, we still as tight as a knot. The 3 of us were inseparable. And even when things got rough, we were there for each other. When my mother's anniversary came, you would always make sure that I never spent it alone. We would spend the day watching our favourite TV shows eating ice-cream and you trying to convince me to let you put a face mask on me. You always won. I remember the nights the 3 of us would stay up late revising and you would cheer us on and help us, you would help us with English, and we would help you with maths. I'm gunna miss those study sessions. When Zach told be you had been stabbed. I broke. You had always been there for me. From the moment you told Zach to stop staring to the moment your heart stopped beating. Yet I still hoped you were alive so when my dad told me you didn't make it, I was devastated. The closest thing I would ever get to a sister was taken from me before I could say goodbye because of me. You really were the light of our lives. My best friend and the sister I've always wanted. And most importantly, the light. The light through the shadows. We were each other's post. I'm gunna miss you. I'm gunna miss the story drafts you would read to me and Zach, they really were amazing. It's not gunna be the same without you. Thank you for everything you did for us. Lots of love.

Your big bro Josh.

By the time I had finished, tears were silently streaming down my face. I really did miss her. And it was all my fucking fault. I should never have listened to her, but I did and now look where we are.

Giving up, I crawled into bed and just let myself cry for the first time since that night just wishing she was here.