Kurokawa's Journal

Entry Three : Rubatosis

rubatosis is the unsettling awareness of one's own heartbeat.

so you know that guy i was talking about last entry? the one with the blue eyes and the group of friends.. the one i passed by in the shop with the bloodied cloth-less mannequin.. yeah. he's been stuck on my mind. he's been.. stuck. he's all i've been thinking about the past few days and that makes me really uncomfortable.

i didn't think this guy would linger in my brain this long. when i say this long.. maybe yeah, it's only been a day or two, but to me, that's long.    (i'm lying. i had a feeling the second our eyes uncomfortably locked for longer than a split second that he was going to stay imprinted in my mind, and to be honest with you, i can tell he's going too remain in my mind for... way longer than i'd like after this.)

i earlier described the eye contact we held as feeling like hours, but it was likely only 10 seconds tops, because i recall seeing his eyebrows furrow in confusion as the seconds grew longer. it wasn't like we stared at each other and the world became fuzzy around us like we were the two main characters in a romance novel meeting each other for the first time, it was more like locking eyes with someone in high school in that one class you share with none of your friends. it was like rushing through the halls trying to get to your next class, but locking eyes with that one person you had drama with in middle school, but there was no drama with this blue eyed man. at least none i could remember.

maybe he knew my sister? he looked fairly muscular. there was a shit ton of muscular people in the Miracles.. for obvious reasons. it was a group full of talented people because it was made to help others. he seems like the kind of guy to be apart of that. though he looks a little too young.

don't get me wrong, he doesn't look me-young(when i say that, i mean i look like half my age), but he doesn't look old enough to have been apart of the Miracles. he looks about my age i think, around 26 maybe? i can't tell. i've seen him before though, that's for sure. he's eerily familiar and i can't put my finger on why. i think he might've been a part of the miracles then. i don't know. my minds jumbled right now. it's like he's a ball bouncing around inside my head.

since i've seen him a few times, i can try to explain him. he's tall.. really.. tall.. like.. at least 6'.. i imagine if i stood in front of him, it'd hurt my neck to look at him. he has dark brown hair, you'd probably assume it was black if you weren't paying close attention. i could even see you maybe seeing a dark purple, because of the lighting sometimes, but it's not black and it's not dark purple it's a dark brown. i've described his eyes already, blue. dark blue, they're very.. ugh, i don't know the word. prominent? maybe. i just basically can't forget his eyes.

i heard that's kind of a thing with blue-eye'd people. they often have a piercing stare. i used to get that a lot back in school, kids would tell me that it looked like i was staring right through them, or that it looked like i had nothing on my mind, or some would even say that it looked like i had so much on my mind that it was spilling right out my pupils.  for me, it was normally the first one, nothing on my mind. sometimes it was the second, so much on my mind that my pupils would dilate and all i could do is stare at the people around me in silence.

ugh anyways back to what i was saying. yeah, he has blue eyes. dark blue eyes. they're powerful eyes.. really powerful. i feel like if i spoke with him , and stared only at his eyes, i'd be able to understand him. it felt like his eyes were portals trying to transport me to some other dimension... tall buff brown haired man dimension.... okay. that's enough for me. that description itself is enough for me to want to follow in my mothers footsteps and run into a crowd of zombies on purpose. i need to stop writing. see you next entry, not sure what i'm gonna talk about