Ex Lovers

Permanent Heartbreak

Disclaimer: Sex Scene and Abuse Ahead. Read at your own risk. 

I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have sex with someone who loved and cared for you. Actually, It's fair to say I'd forgotten what it felt like to have sex in general. What Hayden did with me wasn't sex. It was him f*cking me for as long as he desired, to teach me a lesson, show me how little he cared for me and make sure he hurt me just enough to make me remember his loss of love for me. 

I was bent over his desk, with my skirt pushed up to my stomach, underwear at my ankles and face turned to the side. He was slightly drunk but that didn't lessen his roughness with me. My legs were separated enough for him to have access as he pounded into me rhythmically, making me grunt in discomfort. His hand was positioned on by back, serving as a tool that deepened his penetration.

I had returned to an empty house this morning, still hungover. Hayden came back during the night, drunk, tired and sad following Kate's ceremony. When he saw me, he didn't say anything and he didn't have to. It's a cliche that someone's eyes speak many words but in this case with Hayden, it was true. I saw how sad today made him, how desperate he was to get her back and how much he wanted to feel better but he couldn't. The moment I saw him, I wanted to ever so desperately hug him, kiss him and be there for him but that wasn't what our relationship was about anymore. Nevertheless, I walked towards him slowly, trying to figure out what I was gonna do when I got to him. When I stood directly in front of him, I just stared blatantly, unaware of what I wanted to say or do but he had an idea. He lightly grabbed my hand, barely holding on and walked me to his office. 

And here I was, bent over his desk, wishing this could be over quicker. His pace fastened as he got closer to finishing, still entering me roughly and without pause. Finally, he came inside me and pulled out. I could hear him wearing his trousers as he fixed his belt before leaving the room. I hated this part the most. The part where he's finished with me so he leaves whilst I'm still in that position. He made me feel used. I hated it the most. 

Before I went to sleep, Olivia entered my room. I'd told her everything that had happened with Alex and Elliot, including the part where I kissed one of them and got betrayed by the other. She provided me with a level of comfort that alcohol couldn't. 

"Hayden wanted me to tell you you're having dinner with his parents tomorrow night," Olivia said, looking grim. I understood why. Spending a night with Hayden's parents meant trying to ignore their passive-aggressive and plainly mean comments all night, without much support from my husband. Her words also made me remember what else would suck about tomorrow night; Elliot not being there to make me feel a little less shitty. I had to get used to the idea that Elliot had been fake all along and that he wasn't going to be there for me anymore in any way. Not that I wanted him to anyway. I couldn't even think about him without feeling so betrayed and hurt and angry. 

"Where?" was all I asked as I tried to process the upcoming night with my parents-in-law. 

"He wanted it to be at the house. The chef's gonna prepare a meal. Are you gonna be okay?" She asked, sitting down next to me on my bed. 

"I'll be fine. If I can handle one of them, I can handle them all." I replied to her, trying to sound confident but I could tell neither one of us believed anything I said. 

"Maybe tell him you can't because of your concussion. I mean, you're not technically lying. Stressful situations wouldn't do much for your recovery." I could tell she was concerned and it was very sweet of her to try to get me out of it but I knew I had to deal with them straight on.

"It's okay Olivia. I can deal with it. Also, if we're talking not good for my concussion, it would have been best if I hadn't drunk so much last night..." My voice faltered as Olivia glared at me, obviously annoyed that I went against my doctor's advice, the same reaction she gave me this morning when I came home hungover.