Your parents decide to relocate after an incident the summer before your freshmen year of high school, one that leaves you irrevocably changed.
But after three years away, you decide to stop running from your demons and return to Hawkins High for y...
The drive back to Eddie's is quiet; and not the comfortable kind. The white noise of the road was the only thing you could hear as you rested your head against the window of the passenger side of the van , watching the street lights pass quickly, one after another. He's not even playing music; he's just loosening and gripping his ring-clad hands against the wheel. You feel his eyes glance over at you every few minutes, as much as he can, without turning his head toward you.
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You have no idea what he's thinking, what he plans to say to you. You can barely figure out what you're going to say. Should you be upset? Was he with her while you were together? And even if you weren't, is this what he does all the time? Does sex mean anything to him? Would it mean something to him if it was with you? Because if you were going to sleep with anyone you wanted it to be him but it would have to mean something to him too...and now. you weren't so sure.
You told your parents you were having a sleepover at Stacy's; but Stacy dropped you off at Eddie's show so you could spend some alone time together now that you've made up. But you were worried that, once again, once it seemed things were going to work out between the two of you, there was another roadblock.
Even though your mind was running a million miles a minute, you still had no idea what you wanted to say. Eddie slowed the van to a stop in the dirt patch in front of his trailer, the only sound the crickets outside the darkness of the van. To buy yourself time, you open the passenger door and start walking toward the front door of the trailer.
"Y/N, wait," you hear Eddie yell out but you're not ready to talk about it. You walk through the never-locked door. You didn't even know why you were walking away, straight into his room but you couldn't get your brain to still and focus. You couldn't decide whether you had grounds to be angry; but either way you knew you were jealous and angry, whether you had a reason to or not.
"Y/N," you hear right behind you now, Eddie's voice wavering and he turns you around by your arm. Your body swivels to face his and you don't realize you're crying until tears spill over, leaving hot trails down your cheek.
"It meant...she means nothing to me, Y/N."
"How many were there?" you say, voice cracking. "I need to know because...I can't stop thinking about you with her now. And how can I go to another show without thinking that every women in the audience is something you've been with? And I know it's just sex but it's not 'just sex' for me. You know that."
"I know that.. I missed you so much, and I just..."
"How many?" you say, louder than you intended, as you feel your nails dig into your palms.
"That's not the right question," he shouts back, causing you to jump. "God..." he says, fists up to his face in frustration, he turns around in a circle. "You're not asking the right question."
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"Oh yeah," you say with a contemptuous laugh, crossing your arms. "Then what question should I be asking?"
He just looks at you. You're not even sure an answer is coming. If maybe you asked the question in your head but didn't say the words aloud and maybe he was still waiting for you to speak.
He takes a deep breath. "Ask me how many of them I was in love with."
"What..." you say quietly, your stomach tightening.
"Ask me," he says more quietly, taking steps toward you. "Ask me how many of them I was in love with. How many I was hopelessly and completely and pathetically in love with."
"I..." you falter. You feel like you're falling over the edge of a rollercoaster. Your face feels hot, made hotter by Eddie's breath on your face as he anxiously waits for you to answer him. "I don't know..."
He waits a beat before he says low, bending down ever so slightly to try and meet your downcast eyes. "None of them. Y/N, I've never loved anyone before. I didn't know what love was. I thought it was some bullshit thing people saw in the movies but never actually had. I thought it was just everyone's white whale, something they tortured themselves with trying to find. Something that was a fairy tale, always perfect, never real. After all we've been through this year," he laughs, "none of it was perfect. It was messy. And beautiful. All at the same time. Nothing about being with you has felt easy but somehow I can't be without you. What happened with other girls wasn't me replacing you. It was about me trying to feel something because I couldn't feel anything when you were gone. Everything felt numb. Of course, after those nights I felt even worse than before because they weren't you. I love you, Y/N. I've loved you since the first night at The Hideout in that alleyway. I knew you were it." He leans his forehead against yours. "I understand if you don't feel the same way. I wouldn't blame you after what just happened. After everything that's happened honestly. Everything I've done..." he rambles on quietly, the flood gates open, shaking his head gently from side to side with his forehead still pressed to yours.
"Eddie, I love you, too," you say suddenly, causing him to immediately freeze.
"You...you what?" he asks quietly, voice full of surprise and hope. He felt like no one had actually ever loved him before. And certainly no one had ever said as much to him except his mother when he was really young, but he barely could even recall those fuzzy memories now. He had begun to convince himself that he was unlovable. Maybe attractive, sure, he never had a problem with finding girls...at least those who weren't at Hawkins High. There, he was always a freak. But he had begun to think that he was desired, but expendable, and certainly not lovable.
"You're the only person I feel safe with," you explain. "After everything that happened, I never thought I'd be able to let anyone ever...touch...me again. And you came along and it just felt like you already knew me. That I already knew you. I love you."
