Out

Anything.

Dmitri always felt impenetrable guilt after he left Tinny's. He wanted to love her in the way she wanted, and in theory, he should. Tinny Pembrook was virtually perfect: petite, blonde, big brown doe eyes, pink summer dresses. He thought for a moment, about what a life with her would entail. She'd be a good wife, he knew that, but he didn't want a wife, and couldn't see himself as a husband- certainly not one that could provide for her. Tinny lived on the wealthier side of town near Nicodemus. She was used to a lavish life. Dmitri wished that was something he had too. He used to, before his mother died, before his father lost his job, before Dmitri was the sole provider for the household. It wasn't that Dmitri didn't like his job, he worked at the record store, what wasn't to like? It was just the pressure that he had to provide for himself, his father, and their dog. He wished he could just rehome Banana- as much as he loved that dog. Banana was a border collie, he was beautiful and sweet, but Dmitri was sure that all the commotion that went on in their little trailer wasn't any good for him. Banana deserved better, he was innocent being. Dmitri didn't think of himself in the same manner. He wasn't a good kid, and he knew it. He treated girls kindly until they slept with him, then he never spoke to them again. He didn't even care that they were in relationships. He was glad Kevin had hit him, because he deserved it, just like he deserved it when his dad pounded on him. Dmitri knew he egged his father on, but he also knew that his father loved him, and he understood how hard it had been since his mother had killed herself. Vadim had loved her wholeheartedly. The beatings started shortly after the funeral. Dmitri had been eleven. He often wondered if Vadim blamed him for her death. She hadn't even left a note, this was what seemed to hurt Dmitri the most, he just wanted to know that he wasn't the reason.
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Dmitri's stomach tied itself in knots as he reached the trailer door. He hated coming home and often thought about just running away, but he was so scared. He could hardly make his frail fingers grasp the greasy doorknob to let himself in, quivering like a prey animal about to enter the predator's den. He was immediately met with his father's raggedy snoring, and sighed in relief. With any luck, maybe Vadim hadn't even noticed his absence. Dmitri very slowly latched the door behind him and left his dirty sneakers by the entrance, as to avoid waking the beast. Keeping a watchful eye on Vadim, Dmitri slowly crept to his ramshackle bedroom and began to strip out of his white windbreaker, tossing it on the bed and sitting down. He let his mind wander for a moment to Nicodemus, and he peered at the boy's number on his hand. It didn't make sense- the two of them. Nicodemus was a beautiful boy who lived a wealthy life, Dmitri was simply trailer trash. He tried to hide it through his appearance but he was sure people could tell. He could feel their eyes bore into the back of his skull. He wanted so badly to fit in again, to just be another member of the crowd. These days It was all he wanted. He grabbed his brick phone from his bedside table and dialled the number.

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called, I don't know why I-"

"I'm glad you did, I'm just trying to do my math homework and I can't figure it out. It's seriously driving me bonkers. Do you mind- well... could you-"

"What's your address?"
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Nicodemus' house was as homey as Dmitri had pictured it, and he wasn't my sure if that was more or less disappointing than if it had been sterile and uncomfortable. He didn't wish ill for the boy, but at the same time he saw this whole life that he wanted. A mother who cooked a meal every night and gardened in the spring, a father who was smart and kind and took Nicodemus and his brother to sports games. Dmitri liked to pretend, that just for a moment, he was a part of the family.
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"I hate math. It makes me feel dumb."

"You're not dumb, not everyone has the kind of brain that understands math. I understand math, but that doesn't make me a genius. Besides, I'd rather have the kind of brain that reads and writes like you do. I haven't read in years"