Out

Head In The Sand.

"We should probably check out soon. Hit the road." Dmitri mumbled the next morning as he did up his thrifted blue slacks (he'd never let on that they were thrifted, but everybody knew.)

"Hey, just wait a minute," Nicodemus pleaded as he sat up.
"Did I do something last night to upset you?"

"What?" Dmitri mumbled, not turning

"You know, last night, did I do something wrong?"

"No, we should just go."

Nicodemus got quiet as he rubbed the sleep from eyes. Suddenly thinking of Ryker, of how he had never once shared what went on in his head.
"No." Nicodemus muttered
"No, you're being weird. What's going on? I thought last night was nice, was I wrong in thinking that?"

"No, last night was nice." Dmitri sighed, standing up. Still not looking at Nicodemus.

"Then what the hell is this? I'm your boyfriend for Christ's sake, talk to me."

Dmitri sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He began to cry and Nicodemus sat down beside him, holding him and stroking his hair.
"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I don't know what's wrong, I'm sorry."

Nicodemus furrowed his eyebrows.
"Well...that's okay. I just wish I knew how to help you. Maybe we shouldn't have..." he started.
"Did I pressure you? Maybe we weren't ready."

"No, it was wonderful last night... I don't know why I'm crying."

"Do you want to be with me?" Nicodemus asked, trying to hold back any hurt in his voice.

"What? Of course I do."

"Well, are you sure you're ready for a relationship?"

"Yes! Stop asking stupid fucking questions."

Nicodemus flinched back and stood up, beginning to pace.
"Hey, don't be mean, I'm trying to help you figure out why you feel like shit after last night."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"You know, I hate to say it, but do you think it's because..."

"Maybe." Dmitri said quietly.
"But that's not fair, because I've wanted to be with you for so long, and now that it's happened, I feel horrible because all I can think of is stupid fucking Vadim? It's not fucking fair. We should be able to have sex like a normal couple. I shouldn't feel like this." He snapped standing up.
"I just want to be with you."

Nicodemus took him in his arms, resting his chin on Dmitri's head.
"Maybe...maybe we just need to take this slow."

Dmitri shook his head.
"I don't want to, and you're going to get tired of waiting, and you're going to resent me, and then you're going to leave me."

"What? Why would you even think that? It's me. I'm not going anywhere. I don't think I could even if you wanted me to. You're stuck with me."

"I hope you mean that."

"I do." He smiled.
"Promise."

"Well, we should probably go."

"Hey, can I still kiss you?" Nicodemus asked quietly as held Dmitri's hand, running his thumb over Dmitri's knuckles.

"You'd better."
**********************************************
After Irina had died, Vadim couldn't get out of bed, so they had lost their beautiful home, and moved into the trailer in town. Dmitri picked up odd jobs around town as he wasn't old enough for a real job yet. That was when he had began keeping the bandage in his bedside drawer, cutting into his baby soft skin nearly every night. Vadim was none the wiser. Eventually Vadim began to get out of bed, he'd disappear during the day and Dmitri never knew where, and never asked, he just knew how lonely he was when Vadim left. Even if their relationship wasn't a healthy one, Vadim was still little Dmitri's father, and Dmitri only wanted Vadim to love him.