Out

Optimistic.

Nicodemus had always been too optimistic for his own good. Too hopeful, too sure. When he thought of his future, he thought of Dmitri. He thought of a beautiful home in California, he thought of children- one boy, one girl. Why hadn't he learned to treat everything as if it were the last time? No, no, he believed in the future. He believed that good things could last forever. He believed he could be happy, and he believed Dmitri could be happy with him.

"Hey, made you coffee." Nicodemus smiled sweetly as Dmitri smoked a cigarette on the porch.

"Aw, thank you."

Dmitri snubbed out the cigarette and took the white mug in his cold hands. Nicodemus watched him carefully- there was something different about him this morning. Something Nicodemus couldn't figure out, something that made him nervous.

"Yesterday was really nice." Dmitri smiled softly

"It was, wasn't it. Hey, you know, we could just live here forever."

"In the hotel?" Dmitri smirked
"I mean, some people do that I guess."

"No, I mean it. We could get a place, you know, like a real couple. I could work down at the surf shop and we could just be happy forever."

Dmitri looked away and Nicodemus grabbed his hand
"Hey, what's that look for? You don't want that?"

"I don't know where I'm supposed to go."

"What? What do you mean? We'll go wherever you want. I'll go wherever you go."

"What about your parents?" Dmitri asked quietly
"You can't do that to them. You know, you're so lucky to have them and it's like you don't even care."

"Hey, hey, where is this coming from? They knew I'd leave eventually- I'm nineteen Dmitri."

"I just..." Dmitri sighed looking across to the beach.
"I don't know what my future holds."

"Our." Nicodemus corrected.

Dmitri said nothing and Nicodemus' smile dropped. He tried again.
"Our future Dmi."

Dmitri wouldn't meet Nicodemus' gaze and Nicodemus dropped his hand.
"What are you saying? You leaving me Dmi?" He smiled insecurely.

"I'm saying you want kids Nicodemus, and." He grabbed Nicodemus' hand
"Listen to me! And I'm always going to be sick Nicodemus! I can't be a father."

"I don't need kids. I need you." Nicodemus stated firmly.

"No, no, you can't give that up for me. You say that now, but years down the line when we have our own place, you'll see some father with his kid, and you'll wish you had that, and you'll resent me for making you give that up."

"You're not making me give anything up! I just want you! Can't you understand that? You're all I need, you're the air I fucking breathe! Don't do this to me Dmi. Don't do this to us."

"One day." Dmitri blinked back tears.
"One day you'll understand. This isn't the life you want. I'm not the life you want."

"You don't know what I fucking want Dmitri. Just you. Just give me you. That's all I want."

"Don't you see I can't give you that!? I'm ruined! I'm no good!"

"But you are, you are!"

"Nicodemus, I'm trying to let you go here. I'm trying to free you."

"No. No, last time I checked you fight for the things you love."

"What?" Dmitri blinked in surprise. He had known, he had known Nicodemus loved him- and he loved Nicodemus, but they had never once said it to each other. There had been this unspoken agreement that they wouldn't say it. There was difference between knowing it and hearing it out loud.

"Oh, you heard me. Don't make me say it again."

"You take that back!" Dmitri urged as of Nicodemus had said something terribly offensive- something unforgivable. In a way, he had.

"No! I will not hide my feelings for you just because you don't think you could possibly be loveable. Because I love you Dmitri Volkovf. I love you." He pleaded grabbing Dmitri's hands
"Please, please don't do this."

"My cab will be here soon."

Nicodemus' heart dropped. It was over. Dmitri was leaving him, he had thought about leaving him. "So what, you...you planned this?"

Dmitri shook his head "Look, Nicodemus, it was never going to be forever. We both knew that."

"No, no. You knew that! I thought....I hoped..."

"I know." Dmitri whispered.

"No you don't. You don't fucking know. So what, you woke up this morning with the intention to break up with me?"

Dmitri looked away, his face turning red
"I was going to be gone before you woke up."

"Fuck you."

"What?" Dmitri blinked back in surprise.

"This is shit! You love me Dmitri. I know you do, I see it in the way you look at me. I love you and you love me. Let's just...let's just stay here forever, let's just be happy. It doesn't have to be here, we can live anywhere! My parents will be your parents, and, and can't we do that? Can't we just be normal boys?" He begged, completely flustered.

Dmitri shook his head.
"I have to go. You have to let me go."

Nicodemus closed his eyes gently, trying not to speak in anger. 
"Where will you go?"

"I don't know. I'll figure it out."

"Yeah. You're a big boy, you can take care of yourself. Right?"

Dmitri tried to take Nicodemus' hands, but Nicodemus backed away, watching the cab pull up under the balcony. He suddenly didn't really feel like being anywhere near Dmitri. 
"No. I'm good. Go. You don't want to miss your cab."

"I'm sorry." Dmitri whispered as Nicodemus shook his head.

"Go on." Nicodemus gestured to the cab
"Just...forget it."
Forget. What a sad word. Forget it. Forget us. Forget everything we ever were. Forget me. Dmitri finally broke his stare, and left. Nicodemus watching quietly from the balcony. Where would he go? He couldn't go back home, could he? After leaving things with his dad the way they were? He would get himself killed. Maybe....maybe he would stay somewhere else. Maybe with Tinny. Nicodemus' anger began to mix with horrible, dreading, disquiet. What was Dmitri getting himself into? What would happen now that Nicodemus couldn't protect him? He felt as if he had lost something he should be looking for- something that wasn't supposed to be missing. He suddenly felt terribly dizzy. How could Dmitri just leave him like that? So many words tried to flood his mind, so little formed into coherent thoughts. Lost. Lost. Lost. Happy. They had been happy. They had been happy yesterday. Hadn't they? Had he imagined it? He suddenly thought of a million things he could do in that moment that he shouldn't. Things he promised he hadn't. But what did that matter now? Dmitri was gone. He could drink himself into a coma if he really wanted. He decided that he wanted to try not to. He wanted to try to stay sober, so he began to pack anything he had, and make his way back home again. Back to his parents, back to that town. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt right.

"Mom?"

"Nicodemus? What's wrong?"

"Can you come get me?" Nicodemus answered quietly. He knew was going to cry. He didn't want to.