Words on Paper

Letter number 13

Dear Gabriel.

Date: 7/1

It's been a while since my last letter, I know that, but I just wanted to hear your voice so badly and I hoped, that maybe, if I didn't write you, you would call me. You haven't. I'm sorry, it was stupid. I feel terrible now; you've probably been waiting for my letter. I'm just so alone here and the apartment feels so big without your clothes hanging across the chairs and what not. I like it when the house is clean, but I'm supposed to clean up after you, not myself. I'm not messy. I know I've always scolded you for putting your stuff all over the place, but I just wish I hadn't cleaned the apartment after you took off with that huge bag of yours. I just miss you, that's all. Everything's fine.

I went to get confined the baby's sex Thursday morning last week, it's Tuesday today. I won't tell you since we promised to keep it a secret, only I couldn't. But I know you'll be happy when you find out. You'll probably be happy no matter what sex the baby has. I really couldn't be more happy about our child. I was thinking we could turn the old office into the baby's room for now. We also have the guest room, but I think we could turn the guest room into a room for older children. So when our baby grows up he/she can have that and then our next child can have the baby's room. I'm considering painting the walls in the office and then I'll ask someone to come help me decorate it so it will be ready when the baby comes.

When I went to the doctor, it was in the morning, so Hannah didn't have time to come with me. She was working. So I called my mom and asked her if she wanted to come, but she told me she didn't have time. I wasn't expecting she would fly all the way to New York for a doctor's appointment. She also had an appointment at her hairdresser back home in Missouri. We talked for two whole hours before she had to go because she and dad were visiting Tiffany and Simon for dinner. Then I called Caleb but he had to work too. He was very sorry he couldn't come and then he asked me if he should take the day off to take me to the doctor, but I told him it wasn't that big of a deal anyway. Then I considered calling one of my old friends from high school, but I haven't seen her for ages since we graduated, so I decided not to. At last I chose to call your parents to see if your mom would come even though I didn't really want her to come. She said she had to work that day, but then she came up with a great idea; she suggested Jeremy could take me. I know he looks up to you, you've always been a fantastic older brother! He was off school because of some holiday or something, I don't know why, and then he said he would escort me to the doctor. I can't believe he's 18, ever since we met I've always thought of him as a teenager, but he acts pretty much like an adult. He's a Senior in high school, graduating soon I guess.

Jeremy managed to get us a cap - a cap in New York City! - and he opened the door for me and helped me in and out again. He's a gentleman, you know. But I'm afraid he wants to be a soldier like you, he seems like he wants to be like you. He even dresses like you even though he doesn't really look like you like Caleb does. I know you wouldn't want him to follow you to the army, so I've decided to try and talk him out of it. That would make you happy, right? That's all I want; I want you to be happy.

How did you spend Christmas this year? Your parents invited me home to their house, but I said no. Hannah invited me too, but I told her I had other plans even though that was a lie. I think she knows I lied about it. Caleb called at December 23rd and asked me if I wanted to join them on Christmas Eve, but I told him I was way too busy. Then he said that was okay, but I think they feel bad for me. That's stupid, I mean, they shouldn't feel bad for me. I'm okay. Caleb and Jeremy came by with some presents on 25th of December and then I let them in and made scrambled eggs. I opened your presents too, I hope that's okay. Jeremy said it was for both of us, so I figured you'd be okay with it. We got a new blender, which is great since I broke the old one the other day. You should think they could see the future. We also got some plates and a very cool, giant fork. You'd love it.

After we ate breakfast together, Caleb went home, but Jeremy stayed and watched a movie. He didn't even mind that I muted the TV because the pictures were so beautiful, but he laughed when I commented it. Jeremy is very nice. He's starting to remind me more and more of you even though his hair's shorter and blonder than yours. You're also about a head taller than him.

I spend New Year's Eve with your parents in their apartment, since I couldn't fly home to my parents. I was afraid the plane would crash and I won't die while you're not home. That would be cruel, so I stay away from airplanes and the subway too because there could be a terror action. I only take caps in these days. So my holidays were pretty normal. Did you kiss anyone at midnight? Jeremy kissed me on the cheek and told me it was from you, but I don't think you told him to do that. It was very nice of him, though. I really wanted to kiss you back, but I couldn't. And I don't suppose any of the other guys kissed you from me. Happy New Year, Honey.

Oh, I'm sending you a package too. There are chocolate chip cookies, brownies that Hannah baked for me and a bottle of champagne, which I thought we could share. I took a glass of it just before I packed it.

I also went to the airport Saturday for about two weeks ago. Michelle, that's Lucas from your group's girlfriend, if you don't remember, called me and told me she'd heard some soldiers were coming home. She didn't know what group was being sent back home, but we agreed on going there both of us. If you and Lucas came back, we wouldn't want you to be all alone in the airport.

And soldiers did come back, just no one from your group. At least we know you aren't dead, there was this other girl who waited for her boyfriend and he just didn't show. One of the soldiers, who did come back to his girlfriend, a black-haired girl who were so happy she cried, went and talked to the poor woman. Her boyfriend had died, Gabe, and she didn't know. No one told her: why didn't anyone tell her?

But Michelle and I went for coffee afterward and we got to talk about everything. When you and Lucas get back, we'll all have dinner together. She said they like brunch. I've never experienced a couple brunch, but I hear it's great! Michelle asked a lot about the baby and I told her which sex it has and she was very happy for us. She even cried a little and told me she wanted kids with Lucas too. She said Lucas and her are meant to be. I love that. Meant to be.

You and me, we're meant to be, so I know you'll be okay. You won't die. It won't be like the girl in the airport, you'll show up one day soon and then we'll kiss and we'll be together forever because we're Meant To Be. Faith made us up and faith wouldn't destroy anything this beautiful. So you don't have to be afraid you're gonna die because you'll live. You'll live to come back. I know it.

Love,

Your Claire