Words on Paper

Letter number 19

Dear Gabriel.

Date: 3/10

Michelle moved out last month. I get why she did it; most of her stuff are in her own apartment and she still pays the rent. Also, every day she's been walking home to check her letter box. I think she stayed so long because of me, but about a month ago, she stepped up and told me she was moving back home. She promised she'd still come and visit, but I know it's never gonna be the same. Why does everyone keep leaving me? I try not to ask that question, but I can't keep it from popping up in my head all the time. What did I do to you to make your honor mean more than me? I keep thinking you wouldn't have left if you'd loved me more, and I know I must have done something. Maybe it was that fight we had that January, maybe it was another one. Maybe it was because I always scolded you when you put your clothes everywhere. Is that why you left me? And you said you'd be back, but you're not. You don't keep your promises. But why, why, did you have to leave? I would get it if you didn't have so much family, but you have me and Alex, Caleb, Jeremy, your parents. Did we do anything to make you leave? These thoughts... they keep coming. I talked to Michelle about them once, but she told me to never think of it that way, I just can't stop. Therefore, I've started seeing a psychologist. It's a man, he seems pretty stiff.

I see him every Tuesday and Thursday, I don't know why I need to see him twice a week, but that's what he said the first time I was there. So now I see him twice a week. It's hard to know what to say - he always asks me these hard questions. Like "why do you think Alex would leave you?" and "what are the perks of Gabriel being out on duty?"

Most of the time I just tell him the first thing that pops into my mind, even though it hurts so bad every time. I told him I didn't think Alex would leave me, I was just scared of losing him. Then he asked me how I would react if you turned up dead and I told him I wouldn't react. Then he continued asking about Alex and I told him I wouldn't ever let him go. I've realized I'm scared of him growing up. It would be awful. Not because he would be older and wouldn't depend as much on me, but because he could leave. He could become a soldier. And I know, I just know, he will. Why? Because he's his dad's son. He's gonna leave me some day and he's gonna promise he'll be back, but for real, none of us will know for sure.

I don't want you to feel bad. That thought have run through my head a million times and it has stopped me from writing all my thoughts down. But you know what? I'm done with it. Screw you, Gabriel Puckett, you should never have left! How could you? I was pregnant for God's sake. It's fine you want to honor your country or whatever you call it, but you think it's honorable to be here, home? Do you honestly think you make a difference there? I'm selfish, I know, but this is something I need to tell you. I love you more than anything and I think about you every second, but I hate you too. I hate the fact that I'm feeling like one of your leftovers, I hate that you chose yourself over me and I hate that you left your own son. I hate that you don't see it, I hate that I have to tell you. I hate that I'm the bad guy all the time. But most of all, I hate that I can't see you, can't curse you up and down. Do you understand me? You're not perfect even though I want you to be. When someone dies, people tend to turn them into heroes, and the same thing happens when they miss someone as much as I miss you. I want you to be this holy hero, but the truth is I'm just trying to forget all the bad things. That's what my psychologist said.

But now it's all starting to feel wrong. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm shaking every time I leave the apartment, even if Alex is with me. Now that Michelle has moved, I've locked all the doors. I keep them locked all night and sometimes during the day too, but most of the days I keep all but the front door open. It's because Mrs. McGee (the woman from downstairs) sometimes come to ask if I want to have coffee with her. She's very nice and she reminds me so much of my own grandmother. Mr. McGee works at a homeless center, he's a volunteer, so Mrs. McGee is alone most of the afternoon. She loves Alex, I think Alex likes her too. Maybe he sees her as a grandmother, I don't know. He's not that old yet. Anyway, in case she comes by, I can't keep all the doors locked. There are two locks on our front door now plus one of those chain door locks. Hannah asked me about them the other day and I honestly told her the truth; I told her I was scared someone would break in and steal my child. She laughed at me at first, but then she realized I wasn't joking and she sort of freaked out. She asked me all these questions about how I'd been as if something is wrong with me, so I lied and told her everything was fine. I can't tell how I really feel without creeping her out.

There's one more thing I need to tell you, something I haven't told anyone - not even Michelle. Definitely not my shrink either. Sometimes, I want to write you a letter. I've sent you 18 letters now - 19 with this one, but you have no idea how many times I've tossed a letter in the trash. I've tried to stay positive in the letters I've sent - I know that didn't work as well as I'd hoped. But in the letters I didn't send, I wasn't positive at all. I was mean and cruel and... and I couldn't send them. I've told myself, I've told you, that I don't want to make you feel bad. That's not true; there are moments where I want to hurt you. Moments where I don't want to love you anymore, moments where all I wanna do is make you feel bad. Make you feel so bad about leaving that you will come home. Because I love you. I could never hate you even though I want to.

This is my confession. I just needed you to know before I tell you the rest. I have great news. I can't stop laughing, I don't know why. I laugh, I cry. I throw up. I feel nauseous. It doesn't matter, I feel better than ever. I know I've just scolded you and told you all the bad stuff, but that's because the good stuff is yet to come. I know why I throw up all the time, it's happiness. Happiness is within reach!

Your group is coming home next month. I'm counting the days, you're coming home in exactly 27 days; October 30th. Gabriel, I'm gonna see you again! You're gonna come home to me. We're gonna have more kids, we're gonna kiss goodnight before we go to sleep. On my birthday next year, we'll be together. I don't want to invite anybody, I just want you to be with me. I can't wait to kiss you. "Don't get your hopes up," Michelle keeps telling me. We heard your group had some... troubles. You've lost a few men and some of you are badly injured, but I know you're alive. You can't be dead. Michelle doesn't want to think about it, she's so scared Lucas is dead. I'm not. You're not dead. You can't be. I would feel it if you were dead. I know you're alive! In 27 days, I'll be waiting in the airport and it's not gonna be me who's crying because my Love didn't show up. You're gonna be there. I know it. Doesn't matter that Michelle is nervous, I know you're alive. I know it because I love you and because I pray for it every night. It doesn't matter that you don't believe in God, you just have to believe in me. Believe in us. I believe in God, but you know what I believe more in? Us. You and me. I love you.

So when you see a girl with a big smile on her face, know that it's me. It'll be just like in the movies, you'll kiss me and I'll kiss you. We'll be Forever.

Remember that summer where we flew to Florida and stayed in that small cabin? I remember how many times you tried to kiss me, and failed since you were afraid I would turn you down. We'd been dating for almost a year, so I don't get why, but I remember I thought it was cute. I would never have turned you down. Okay, maybe, but hey; I was like 21 back then. I was just a girl.

There's also the last New Year's Eve we spent together before you left. I remember it was cold and windy and I remember you moved my hair from my face and kissed me at midnight. I remember you'd bought some ridiculously awful champagne made in some country that obviously read the recipe wrong. We spend New Year's Eve with your family and you and your brothers had bought funny hats and you said I had to wear it. I remember I tossed it out of the window just before we started talking about having a baby. I remember thinking to myself that I would love you yet another year.

That are memories of the Past. It's time to make new memories. All the bad stuff I told you about earlier made my point; I have bad thoughts and I feel awful most of the time. But here's the thing; when you get home, it won't matter. Then it will be Past. This will just be a bad memory; it is time to make new memories. I've hated you, I've scolded you, I've cursed you across the ocean, but it doesn't matter. It's the Past. We, you and I, we're the Future.

Love,

Your Claire

Author's note: next part will be the last part, so get ready! Please vote and comment!

This is dedicated to Hunterjumper834 for supporting me and this story so much, thank you, you're great! <3