Words on Paper

Letter number 15

Dear Gabriel.

Date: 9/4

I've been really busy the last weeks, you wouldn't believe it. I haven't had a good night's sleep for the last long time, but I would give anything for this, for our child. I am not alone anymore, every time I feel sad or lonely, I just open my eyes and my baby is right next to me.

I've been thinking about names for some time now, and I've decided one too. I don't know if you'll like it, but I've decided. I have to tell you this; it's a boy. A cute little boy with the rosiest cheeks you could even imagine! He's perfect, he has your gray eyes. I'd forgotten how your eyes looked like, but now I remember. You and him; you have the same eyes. I just... I love him, Gabe. I love him more than anything.

Every time I wake up, he's there. And yes, he wakes me up every time I start dreaming, but that doesn't matter. He can't sleep at the same time as me, but I'm fine with that. He's beautiful. His feet are so small. I've born way too many pairs of shoes and I've spend all the movie I've saved for this baby, but I still couldn't care less about it. His birthday's March 7th, exactly two months before yours.

I've planned your birthday, by the way. Our son and I are going to the park on a picnic and then I've invited Caleb and his new girlfriend (he's keeping her a secret from your parents, but he told me about her) and Hannah and her husband out on a nice restaurant for dinner. Jeremy heard about my arrangement and asked if he could come too, so I said that was okay. He's very much like you. It's like you are a mix between Jeremy and Caleb, I don't know. He has a girlfriend too I hear, but he's more mysterious about her. I said he could bring her, but I don't think he will. I wanted to invite your parents too, but then Caleb asked me not to because he's bringing Miranda and he doesn't want them to know about her yet. You know how they get when they get grandchildren in their sight. At least, they're not after me anymore. Thank God.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about names. I've already picked one, but I'll tell you about my different ideas first. I thought I would name him Gabriel and I told Michelle about my idea, but then she said that you would come home and maybe I just wanted to call him Gabriel because I miss having a Gabriel in the house. I think she might have been right. So I went back to trying to decide. You know I've always loved the name Nathan, right? Or Nathaniel. I thought I would suggest it to Michelle, who's pretty much been my best friend for the last long time. She just understands me, you know, every feeling I feel; she feels the same. I called her for about 2 weeks ago and wanted to ask her what she thought of naming him Nathaniel, but she was crying when she picked up. She misses Lucas like hell.

I said we could go have lunch, so we met an hour later at my favorite brunch restaurant in all of New York. Michelle wasn't crying anymore, but I knew she was sad. She's been such a comfort for me, so I thought I would try and be the same to her. I asked her if she'd written Lucas any letters lately and she told me she didn't want to write him anymore. I told her he would like her to write him, but she still didn't want to. She was afraid she would get all the letters back one day or that someone else would get them. She was afraid if she wrote him, he would actually be gone. She wants him to come home too, she's scared something has happened to him.

I told her she shouldn't think like that, Lucas would love to receive her letters. Then she told me about this man who's invited her out like a thousand times lately and she keeps turning him down, but he just won't leave her alone. She said she wished Lucas was here so he could take care of it for her because now she has to deal with him all by herself. I told her I could help her take care of it, we decided that I should tell him to stay away from her for good. She's tried telling him she's already taken but then he told her he never saw anyone with her.

That's why she cried; she wants Lucas home and she doesn't want people to think that she's all alone. She's terrified of living alone in her apartment. I get it, she lives just above a really shady restaurant. She's afraid of coming home late at night because there are always drunk, young guys and they hit on her every time. So I offered she could come stay with me and our son - in the guest room. So now Michelle lives here with me. I really like having her here.

But back to the names; I didn't tell her about the name Nathaniel. I've decided to let Michelle be his godmother. I wasn't sure what to call our son, I had a lot of names in mind, but in the end I just recalled someone I'd met with that name that I didn't like, or some person from a book I couldn't stand. Every name I thought would fit for our son just didn't. Nathaniel did, I mean, I've always loved that name. I still wasn't sure to call him that, when Michelle showed me one of her great talents; apparently, she knows all about names. She told me Nathaniel means "gift of God" which he truly is. She likes the name "Noah". She said it means "repose" and "consolation", and I want that for our son. I want him to be like you, to be able to comfort people. I want people to look at him and think that he's their best friend. But Noah wasn't the name for me.

Then Michelle started searching for lists of baby names, it seemed fine to do it that way. I thought I wanted him to have a very special name, I didn't want him to have a name in common with half of America. But I saw a name and I loved it. Michelle looked it up for me, the meaning is amazing. Michelle told me Lucas's best friend had that name and he was a great guy, so I decided. We'll call the next one Nathaniel or Nathan.

Our son's name's Alexander, Defender of mankind. Then he'll defend us. He'll be great. Alexander the Great would be proud of him.

Gabriel, he's absolutely the best thing I've experienced since you left. I hadn't noticed before, but Alex made me laugh for the first time a week ago. I haven't laughed since you left, not really. I've pretended to laugh, but I've never thought anything was funny. But Alex, he makes me smile, makes me laugh. Michelle, I love her, but she couldn't do that. I need him. And you'll love him, I know you will. Please come home soon, Alex is so eager to meet you!

I'm waiting for you. I love you, and please take care of yourself.

Yours forever,

Claire