Words on Paper

Letter number 17

Dear Gabriel.

Date: 20/5

There's something I need to tell you. I know I shouldn't, I know it will hurt more than anything I could possibly say to you, but I still have to tell you. I can't keep it to myself because I can't help him. Not alone. Maybe you've noticed at the date, that it was Jeremy's birthday yesterday. It was. I don't know how to start this story. No one would want you to know, but I have to tell you. You need to come home.

I've told you how much I love Jeremy, right? He's been a great support and he's the funniest guy I've ever met next to you. He's visited me and Michelle and he lets me mute the TV and he brings great movies. I almost haven't needed Hannah for a long time, because I'm a part of your family now. Jeremy is the closest I'll ever get to a brother, he's gentle and smart and he always knows what to say. I never know what to say when someone's sad, but Jeremy, he understands. He shouldn't know how it feels to be me, to miss you like I do, but he does. He comforts me by just being himself, calm and gentle. He reminds me so much of you these days. I don't know why I didn't see it earlier; Jeremy is trying to be you.

Jeremy invited me to his birthday (he wanted it to be just a casual dinner with family) and I gratefully accepted. He said I could bring Alex so I did. I came about an hour earlier than invited, I had to get out of the house; Michelle is visiting her parents this weekend and the apartment is just so empty again. He was asleep so I left him in the living room in his carrycot. Your parents were making dinner and they said Jeremy would be in his room, so I went in there to talk to him. I figured he was playing video games or something like that, so I just walked inside.

Jeremy was sitting in the window with a notebook in his hand, he had a pen in his hands, but he wasn't writing. I remember that. I still see his face every time I close my eyes, it's horrible. And the worst part is, I could have stopped it from happening if I hadn't been so selfish, maybe I could have seen it coming. He was crying. Two stripes of water down his cheeks, tears streaming down. He looked at me, but he wasn't there. His eyes were empty, but he still looked right at me. I just can't get his face out of my head. I keep seeing him, I feel so bad. All the times that Jeremy came to visit me, where he comforted me and helped me...

Gabriel, he took some aspirin. All the aspirin they had in the house. Your parents told the doctors the pill bottle was almost half full, there've been at least 40 pills in it! And Jeremy took them. All of them.

He's okay, we got him to the hospital in time, but that's not the point. Apparently, he's used all his energy to support me and be happy around me, but he's been going through a tough depression. I had no idea, but he's been slipping into a darker and darker place every day! I have been with him a lot, and he's seemed so glad and funny, but it was all an act. Gabriel, he put on an act so I wouldn't feel bad for him, he's been pretending to be just fine for me. Your parents have known about it for some time, but they had no idea it was this bad.

You have to come home. I just can't bear it! Jeremy, an 18-year-old, tried to kill himself on his own birthday. It isn't your fault, so I don't want you to feel bad. But I think you know just as well as I do that he didn't have s depression last year at this time. He misses you. Jeremy is at the hospital now - they're keeping him in for observation, but he's gonna be okay. In time. Your parents are sending him to a shrink, but we all know why he's depressed. Jeremy's a fantastic person, he helps me all the time and I always call him if I want an advice. He's just like you.

I never thought about it that way. I mean, I knew it was hard for him too; I knew he missed you. But every day, he just walks around thinking that maybe that is the moment you get shot. A little brother who doesn't know where his idol is. And I try not to think about the possibility that you could die, Jeremy can't get his mind off it. I don't want Jeremy to feel this way. I don't know what to do to help him, I can't give him a good advice. I stayed at the hospital until late last night, and I was there when he woke up. He didn't want to talk to anybody and when your dad tried to reach out to him, he just said he was tired. Your mom asked him what had happened, and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I'm gonna visit him tomorrow.

I think of him as my brother, and I can't bear to watch him slip away. Please, you have to come home and fix this! It's never gonna be okay till he believes you're safe. Jeremy is going through a real depression, you being gone is killing him. I'll do my best to be supportive, but I don't think he wants to talk to me. I just need your help, what do I need to do? How am I ever gonna help him like you would? Please, just help me. Jeremy... he needs you. It's not just me, it's your baby brother. He needs you. I need you.

We all want to help him, but only you can. I always thought he just looked up to you and tried to be like you, but it's worse; he tries to be you so he won't have to miss you.

But he'll forgive you when you get back. Don't let him down, Gabriel. Don't let him down. I love you more than anything, but I'm not the only one.

Love,

Your Claire