Words on Paper

Letter number 18

Dear Gabriel.

Date: 10/7

I think you'd want to know Jeremy is home. He came home not long after my last letter, and he's doing a little better. He hasn't tried to commit suicide again, anyway. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, but I get it. If I'd done what he did, I wouldn't want anyone to talk about it with anyone.

That's not the only news I have. I have a somewhat good one. You know when I met Michelle, we connected mainly because of you and Lucas. She understood how I felt and she could help me understand myself. Still, Michelle has other friends like me. You know, she considered starting a support group for wives and girlfriends to soldiers in your group, but she chose not to for some reason. Maybe it was my fault, I don't know. Anyway, one of her contacts heard from one of her contacts that a general called home. He'd met a group somewhere secretly, and apparently, they have problems sending their letters. So this general actually called for these soldiers so their family and friends would know why they didn't receive any letters. So the good news is that even if it probably wasn't your group, you probably have problems with the letters too. That would mean I shouldn't worry about not hearing from you. Michelle says that's a good thing. I don't know, I think it's great that I don't have to worry, but then I think about all the things I want you to say to me.

Alex is so cute. I read poetry to him every night, I think I've told you this before. He seems to like it, but it's probably just my voice he likes. I don't assume he understands Emily Dickinson as much as you and I. I've practiced being away from Alex a few times now, it hurts every time I leave him, but the other day, I was out all night with Hannah while Michelle watched Alex. It was so hard at first, but as I pulled my third tequila, I stopped shaking. Can you tell me why I can't stop shaking when I can't see him? I don't tell Michelle because I'm scared she'll send me to a shrink. Hannah noticed, but I just told her I was freezing and she seemed to believe me. But it was because of Alex.

I need him to be close. All the time. The other day was fine when I started getting a little drunk, but now that I'm sober, I still look at him every five minutes just to see if he's okay. I swear, last night, he wasn't breathing when I checked on him. It was in the middle of the night, but I'd just had an awful nightmare and I had to get up and see him. I couldn't see him breathe so I panicked and tried to find his pulse, but he didn't have one. I swear he was dead. But then I started crying and I woke him up. Michelle too. I could hear she was standing in the door as I picked Ale up and rocked him in my arms. I think I'm getting paranoid. I could have sworn he was dead...

The paranoia wasn't just last night, I went down to get the mail while he was sleeping - Michelle was still in the apartment - and I could have sworn I heard a scream coming from our apartment. So I ran upstairs, of course, but everyone was fine. I picked up Alex again and rocked him in my arms. I don't want to put him to sleep at night, I want him to stay with me. I keep having nightmares about him. And about you. I can't sleep these days because of the nightmares; I close my eyes and I see you blow up. I see Alex being taken from me, I see someone kidnapping him while I'm asleep. I've put an extra lock on the front door and I've found all the keys to the other doors in the drawer in the living room, so now I can lock them if something happens. I lock the door between the first hallway and the living room and the door between the kitchen and the living room, so only the door between the kitchen and the second hallway is unlocked. And then the doors in the second hallway, I keep them open to just for safety. I locked all doors last weeks, but then Michelle asked me not to; she said it wasn't safe it there was a fire or if something happened and I think she's right. She'll probably talk me into leaving all doors, but the front door unlocked soon. I just want to keep Alex safe, I don't want anyone to kidnap him from me. I need him.

You'll be back soon, right? You're coming home before I know it. I know you will. You promised one year ago that you would be here when the baby came and to pick names, and you couldn't keep that promise. I don't blame you, you're honoring your country. But you must see where that leaves me and Alex. We're stuck, Gabe. I can never walk down the street without wondering if you're okay. I can never be safe, ever. I feel like I'm in war. I have no Safe Place since you're my Safe Place and you're out of town. Out of the country, actually. I want to hear your voice. It's been a year now, this has been the worst year I've ever had. And I gave birth to a beautiful son. It shouldn't be like this. You know how my life should be by now? I should be able to go on a restaurant with my sister without needing to get drunk to even stand being away from my son. My relationship with him isn't healthy. I know that much. And I should kiss my boyfriend goodnight before I go to sleep. I shouldn't be urging to hear his voice every minute of the day. My boyfriend should be here, with me and his son. You should be here. With me and Alex.

Apropos us, I have a suggestion you won't like. I actually now you'll hate it. So I'm just going to say it even though I know we will end up arguing about this, I'll do it quick like ripping off a plaster.

I want to move to New Jersey.

I'm sorry, I know you and your New York City upbringing have a "hate" on New Jersey, but it's so close to New York and there are very nice houses and we could be close to your parents in NYC all the time. You tried to explain the "thing" between New York and New Jersey, but I still don't get it. I know you don't take it that serious, but I also know you would never move to New Jersey. But if we did, it would be so much better for Alex, Michelle says it's not good for a kid to grow up in the city. I love it here, I do, but New Jersey can't possibly be so much worse! I know you'll want to discuss this when you get back, but now I've said it. I want to move to New Jersey.

We could also get space for more children, the apartment is soon too small if we want more children. And we do. Alex will become an older brother and he'll be protective and honest. He'll be just like you. I want him to be stubborn and I want him to have weird habits. Maybe it'll be easier to educate him if we live in New Jersey...

I love you even though we'll have this fight when you get home. And I'll be fine, really, I'm probably overreacting about this paranoia thing. I'm just scared I'm gonna lose both of you.

Love,

Your Claire