My Addiction - Tom kaulitz

Whatever It Takes

I wipe my puffy, wet eyes and dress myself, my clothes are strewn onto the floor just next to the bed. I pull on my shorts and my hoodie, as I pull the sleeves onto my raw arms I grind my teeth to muffle the agonising screams which are urging to escape. I look to the balcony, the sun has just set and the night is young. I pull the door open and sit on the chair which overlooks the bustling city, beside me, there's an open packet of cigarettes. I take one and put it between my split lips and light it. As I breath in the cancerous smoke, I tilt my head back to gaze upon the stars, which are slowly multiplying to splatter across the empty sky. The air is crisp and it hits the back of my throat each time I open my lips to exhale. What a beautifully messed up world. 

'Stage one. Manipulation' I whisper to myself as I begin my elaborate plan. I need to get under his skin. Take things away from him. More specifically, take something he loves away from him. But what? I mean I wouldn't think he would love anything considering his heart is shrivelled up n all. Bill. He seems to like Bill, they must be related considering they look almost identical. And the fact that they both have the same cold way of speaking. Their accents are the same as well. I need to get rid of Bill, or get Bill to fall in love with me. Either way, I need Bill to take a disliking to Tom. In the meantime, I'll gain their trust, I won't run away, or fight back no matter how much it pains me. As long as I can get their trust.

Stage two. Take care of Tom while he's hurting. I'm a liar. I can lie about almost anything and make it believable. I could tell you I stole an elephant from the zoo, and because I can lie so well, you'd believe me. So I'll sit there and hold him as he mourns the loss of his dear brother Bill, therefore allowing me to get to him mentally. Make him trust me. I'd even do the house work for fucks sake. Anything just to get him to feel comfortable enough to console in me, to believe I'm staying for good.

Stage four. Attack him while he's venerable. Once he's fallen in love with my act, I'll pounce. I'll attack him when his guard is down, for instance, when he's cradling me on the sofa with the fire crackling in the background and a movie playing quietly, I'll take a knife from behind a pillow-which I will have planted beforehand- and hold it against his throat. I'll create tiny cuts on his Adams apple and kill him. Let him die knowing the last person he has left is getting rid of him. Knowing that it was all an act and I never really cared.

I throw the cigarette butt off the balcony and light another. My plan is done, obviously I can alter it along the way, but at least I have an idea of what I'm going to do. I take a long drag of the cig and inhale it, savouring the way the dense smoke burns my throat, admiring the way it drifts away into the deep black sky and lingers for a while, before it evaporates as if it were never there. The door to the bedroom creaks open, and in comes the sound of jeans rubbing. However, I don't move from my spot, I stay seated and continue smoking Toms cigarettes.

"There you are." he joins me on the balcony and sits in the chair next to me. I feel his eyes burning holes into the side of my head, yet I do not turn to face him, I keep my gaze fixed on the tall buildings opposite us.

"You look so pretty in the dark." he continues talking, attempting to draw my attention towards him, but I will not give him the privilege. 

"How do you feel?" I still feel him staring

"Alright." I respond bluntly, slightly turning my head to face him. He reaches his hand toward me, however I do not flinch, or move my body away, I stay completely still. He grabs the packet of Marlboros from my lap, along with the lighter, and lights himself one. He shuffles his chair closer to mine, so close that the arm rests bump into each other, jolting me slightly.

"C'mere," he motions me over to him, so simply  I stand up and walk in front of him, awaiting my next order "Sit." he pats his lap and looks up to me with eager eyes, so I, as ordered, sit down on his lap. He shifts underneath me and begins humming a song I can't quite recognise between each puff of his cig. He taps my thigh and marks each beat, ever so slightly nodding his head. Although this moment may sound peaceful, in my opinion it is the very opposite. There's something so deathly eerie about being sat upon Toms lap, in the middle of the night as he hums what sounds like an old love song. It feels like he just stabbed me through the heart and put a plaster over the wound. And though I'm only imagining that image, I feel as if I can feel the hot trickling blood travel down my front, and with each time my heart pumps, it really does feel like there's a large blade stuck right through the centre of it. I shiver at the thought of being ended in such a horrible way. But, may as well start getting used to it because I never know what Toms next move may be. And that is the reason I need to get ahead of him. So yes, it does destroy me being sat on my rapists leg as if I'm some lap dog, but in the end it will all pay off. And I will make sure of it.

"The night is so beautiful," he interrupts my sullen thoughts "however not even the unthinkable beauty of the millions of stars and constellations can compare to your beauty."  God I want to dry heave, I swear I felt a bit of sick try to climb up my throat. I close my eyes and take a deep, shaky breath before I open my mouth to speak "Thank you, Tom." I scrunch my face up so horridly that you may have thought that I had just taken a whiff of vinegar. Even though I cannot see him, I know he has a smug old smirk on his face.

 Without warning, he shoves his cigarette into my mouth, and uses his free hand to clasp around my throat. That gut wrenching feeling I had felt just hours ago comes back in a matter of seconds, and one single tear escapes my welling eyes. It drips from my eye, down to my jaw and rolls onto Toms hand. I swallow the lump forming in my throat and squeeze my eyes shut, forcing my tears to be barricaded. A shiver runs down my spine, spiking up the hairs on my back as it travels from my neck to my tail bone.