My Addiction - Tom kaulitz

indigo

I fall backwards, further into Toms body as he stands with his arm still raised, the gun gleaming under the moonlight. "Fuck you." I spit, tears welling in my eyes, "Oh sweetie, you really thought I'd let another man take you away from me?" He tuts, spinning me around to face him, his hand around my throat, "Because if you do, you are very wrong." He pushes me backwards, my heel hitting Kamau's foot, "C'mere." He spins me back around and holds my head to face Kamau's body, "Since you liked him so much, why don't you have a look at his face." He whispers down my neck, pressing his body against mine, "Go on." I shake my head, "No, no, no, no." I sob as his hand begins forcing my face around. He pushes me further down, the stench of iron leaving a metallic taste on my tongue, he pulls Kamau's balaclava down, revealing his face, his eyes frozen over, his mouth open and his eyebrows furrowed. His lips are tinted indigo, the life in his body begins to slip away in this very moment. I gag as I watch hot, red blood continue to pour from the hole in his forehead, "I will do this over and over again, you are mine." I dry heave, my mind swarming with disgust and anger. "How many times will I have to kill for you, for you to understand that you are mine, and you are not going anywhere?" He snakes his arms around my waist, the cold metal of his pistol grazing my skin.

 His phone begins to ring in his pocket, the vibration waking me up. He reaches down to the pocket of his baggy jeans, his hand pressing against my ass as he pulls it out and puts it to his ear, "What?" He drags me along as he speaks to the person on the other side of the line, opening the backdoor of his car and sitting on the edge of the seat, his feet touching the ground as I stand facing him. "It's dealt with." He looks up at me, a smirk tugs at the corner of his lips as he reaches his arm out for me, I move closer. "And why would you care." He continues talking as he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me onto his lap, "Prepare the house." He cuts the call and snaps the burner phone in half, discarding the broken pieces onto the road. I sit frozen on his lap, my mind elsewhere.

"Imagine how easy your life could be right now if you just fucking listened." He breathes down my neck, his hands resting on my legs. "I saw what you did to that man," He chuckles as he speaks, "didn't know you had that in you. You nasty girl." He squeezes my shaking thighs, digging his nails into my bare skin. I wince as he draws blood, "You are so lucky that I'm in a good mood." He presses his open lips onto my neck, his breath warming my body. "I just want to go home." I sob, my head falling down as tears spill onto his hands. I don't even know where home is. "It's okay, my Angel." He kisses the nape of my neck, and I lean my body away, fighting his touch. All I can think about is Kamau's face, his frozen eyes. His indigo lips. 

From the car I can still see his stiff body, his legs sprawled out and a dark puddle surrounding his head. I shake on Tom's lap, partially from the cold embrace of the night air, partially from the image of Kamau's face which is stuck in my mind; and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, his open mouth, similar to the open wound in his forehead, remains unmoved. 

"Get in then, we're leaving." He nudges my stiff body, "Or do you want to say goodbye to our dearest Kamau over there?" He mocks, a chuckle hiding beneath his words. I grimace at his coldness, he sickens me, he seriously makes me want to fucking throw up. I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I climb into the backseat, collapsing onto my side as the door is slammed shut behind me, I sob into the uninviting leather seat, my warm tears soaking my face, puddling beneath my head, just like the blood pooling around Kamau's. My whole body quivers as we drive away, Tom not even having the decency of at least moving his body from the middle of the dark, cold tarmac road. 

As the car jolts over potholes and bumps, I can't help but be reminded of the thump of Kamau's body dropping to the floor, the noise echoes in my mind like a cassette tape stuck in a never ending loop, forever repeating, forever unchanging. The dim silver light of the moon hides behind the clouds now fogging the sky, its once comforting light now sinister, for she is the only other being who bears witness to this fateful nights events. My eyes begin to swell, a hot sensation brews in my sclera as my tears run dry and I can't force a singular tear out anymore.

 The familiar shine of street lamps begin to peek through the fog, their warm fluorescent light illuminates the car as we travel closer to the place I dread returning to the most; New York.  Buildings shining multiple colours loom over me once again, their towering presence unwontedly familiar. My shivering body becomes still, and the odd comfort of the smell of leather becomes lesser as the scent of my own sweat replaces it.

****

I trail behind Tom, like a mutt on a leash, my head down and my tail between my legs as I beg to be spared of a punishment. My hair sticks to my tear stained cheeks, and my arms are clasped around my waist. A street dog is all I am, waiting to be treated fairly, waiting for an escape form hell. And hell is where I am, I plead, yet no words come from my open mouth as I scream from the inside, my yells getting stuck in my throat. I stare at the house through blurry eyes, the lights bleeding like water colours on a white canvas, I stumble on my own feet as I drag them across the cold tiled floor. 

"Angel, what has gotten into you?" Tom slumps into an armchair in his living room, staring up at the indigo bruises marking my entire body, and a watery puss leaks from the fresh burns on my chest. I shake my head, my eyes glued to the floor, "You disgust me." He scoffs to himself as he lights a cigarette, the hard smoke clouding my senses, "Sorry." I mutter, each letter straining my torn vocal cords, "Hm? What was that?" He tilts his head innocently. "I'm sorry." I speak, my hoarse voice like nails on a chalkboard, "Well, you should be. You fuckin' idiot." His stare turns cold, "God knows what I'm going to do to you." My breath catches in my throat, and I resist the urge to choke as I imagine the brutality I will face due to my actions, "Please don't hurt me." I cough out, gaining a deep chuckle from Tom. "I'll do whatever I want."