CW: body shaming
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Chapter 4
It was my first year in high school when I had my first menstruation. It was also how I learned about insecurity and when I started developing stacks of it as I grew up.
My body underwent a major transformation. It's like a switch had been flipped and I grew twice my size. I had acne break out not just on my face but also on my back. On top of that, my first time paralyzed my body with severe dysmenorrhea. It made me a crying mess.
It was after eight months when I had my second menstruation. Four months passed before my third. I didn't know back then that periods were supposed to be regular, not months in between. I had no one to educate me about it.
Sa tuwing dinadatnan ako, halos hindi ako makabangon sa sobrang sakit ng aking puson at likuran. Kahit ang aking mga binti ay pinupulikat. Palaging ang una at pangalawang araw ang kinamumuhian ko dahil wala talaga akong lakas at gana para gumalaw. Gusto ko lamang itulog ang sakit hanggang sa ito'y humupa.
Nang mag-senior high ako, 'tsaka lamang ako nagka-lakas ng loob na magtanong kay Tita Emily, isa sa mga kapatid ni Daddy. I asked her why my periods were many months in between when my friends regularly have their periods every month. She asked me few questions and after that, she had a conversation with my father.
That weekend, my father took me to a clinic. A doctor asked me questions about my menstruation and she made me undergo an uncomfortable examination. I remember being scared at that time, wondering what was happening with my body. After the test, the doctor had a conversation with me and my father.
I have a Bilateral Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Meaning, that both of my ovaries contain multiple cysts. That explains the weight gain, the acnes, the severe dysmenorrhea, the irregular periods, and other symptoms I experience during menstruation.
Pinangaralan ako ng doktor sa mga dapat kong malaman tungkol doon. Pagka-uwi namin ni Daddy, nagkulong ako agad sa kwarto. I had a crushing breakdown. I was scared for myself and I wished like any other difficult times the comfort of a mother.
I am grateful for Daddy's effort, but it was Mama that I needed during those times. She would have understood what I was going through better. She wouldn't be so awkward about it and she would have asked the Doctor the right questions. It would have been easier.
"Naku, Anthea! Bakit parang mas lalo kang tumaba?!"
Nanlamig ako habang nakatitig sa mukha ni Tita Sab. Pinisil nito ang aking mga braso at ngumiti. Napatingin ang ibang mga kamag-anak namin sa paligid. Binalik ko ang tingin sa malapit na pinsan ni Mama.
I gave her a weak smile and a fake small laugh. I didn't wait for her to throw another body-shaming remark and moved forward to greet our other relatives. I greeted my cousins and went to pay respect to the elders.
"Mas lalo ka ngang tumaba, Anthea. Ilang taon ka na nga ulit?" Puna ng isa sa mga Lola namin.
I cleared my throat and masked my discomfort with a smile. "18 na po, Lola."
"Bawas bawasan mo ang pagkain, o kaya ng kanin kasi nakakataba 'yon. May dugo pa naman kayong diabetic kaya delikado na." Sabi ni Lola Val.
A scream scraped my throat as I tried to contain it. I hated going to family gatherings a long time ago when there was only a little left of my confidence from taking the beat of these types of comments, and only insecurities developed. But like a martyr, I still show up every time.
"Ikaw lang yata iyong may pimples sa inyong magkakapatid, ah? Saan mo namana 'yan? Makinis naman ang side nina Daddy mo? Kahit sa side ni Mama mo, makinis din sila. Tingnan mo si Cez, makinis ang mukha. Niregla na ba siya?" A distant aunt that I haven't seen for a long time commented.
