I live in a self contained hell
It's hell that seeps into no life but my own
It's the wrong answer to a question
Making you wish you never spoke
No sin is worse than being wrong
Or at least that's how it feels
It's the tag on your shirt
Brushing against your neck
It's the hair that always seems to be on my left shoulder
It's the missing puzzle piece
It's everything all at once all the time
It's a cacophony of small inconveniences
It's very loud
And there isn't a way to turn the noise down
So I shake
To make the feeling go away
Push it back even for a moment
Blissful moments don't come frequent
It's the things you lost
The things you'll never stop thinking about
It's the woodchip you lost at the park
It's the shell you dropped in the sea
It's the rock you lost on a mountain
It's gone
Even if it didn't really matter
Even if it wasn't at all important
It's gone
You'll never see it again
It isn't ever coming back
In order to put order in my head
I must be certain of things
I must know where something is
If there is any doubt
And sometimes if there is no doubt at all
Sometimes in order to get rid of doubt
To make my mind go quiet
I must check over and over and over and over and over and over again
To make sure it was right
To make sure it was done
To make sure everything is fine
To make sure nothing changed
I need to see it
I need to touch it
To hold it
To know it's really there
That I didn't somehow lose it
That it didn't disappear
Once it is found
My mind can ease
And I can forget it
I need to be certain of an answer
Before I say it outloud
I need to be confident in a fact
Before I judge it as so
Even if it's a fact about myself
Sometimes I don't trust those
If it isn't certain it isn't spoken
At least it isn't spoken on purpose
If I tried to think before I spoke
Before everytime something needed to be said
I would hardly speak at all
At least until I think of it again
It's doubting everything you do
It's the inability to trust yourself
It's the fear of being wrong
It's the fear of anything of everything
Going wrong at once
It's a life that topples down
Broken and unsalvageable
A life that's gone to waste
Effort that was all for nothing
A complete and utter waste
I live in hell because I am able to think
My mind is able to comprehend
So forever I'm doomed
To regret to fear to cower to dread to cry to think
Well not forever really
But for the entirety of my life
That's why it's a self contained hell
The hell will be gone when I am
It's difficult to suffer when you're dead
