One More Chance

Stepping into the Past

Tae needed to stop pacing! He'd changed his outfit five hundred times, restyled his hair, plumped the cushions on the sofa, cleaned the lounge, set the small dining room table in the kitchen, cooked the rice, prepared the vegetables and thinly sliced the marinated beef.

He was so nervous. He'd never cooked for Jungkook so this was another first. Whilst thinking about all the firsts he came up with the idea of a scrapbook so he'd been shopping and bought one. His plan was to decorate it and gift it to Jungkook but he also had the idea that perhaps it was something they could do together? His head was full of ideas and he wanted to show Jungkook that he meant every word he said.

His first boxing session with Hobi went badly. Tae was reminded of why he wasn't into exercise of any kind. He had some small dumbbells in his bedroom that were the weight of two small jars of kimchi but they made him feel like he was on his way to getting guns when he was a teenager. Now they gathered dust and he had no desire to pick them up. He didn't know he had to dodge Hobi's gloved fist but thankfully the contact was light and there wasn't any evidence on his jaw. Tae was sure that his friend's patience would waver as the sessions went on because he was truly useless. There was very limited time, however, the charity event would be upon them before they knew it so he could only do so much and Hobi couldn't work magic so what would be would be.

The sound of the door chiming made his stomach sink then flip and churn all at once, a big mixture of excitement, apprehension and a splash of fear. Tae wasn't new to the dating scene but this felt new and it was the fear of messing it all up that made it difficult. There have been so many realisations and comparisons to their relationship in the past and one of those realisations was how little effort was involved on his part. During his therapy sessions he would talk about Jungkook and it was always what Jungkook did, what Jungkook said and part of wanting a second chance was to show that he could step up. In his other relationships he went through a phase of over exerting himself, forcing the situation because the one realisation that took time to come, was the one where it was Jungkook that he wanted. It was one thing to have the thought sitting somewhere deep in his mind, masking it with the belief that being openly gay and throwing himself into a relationship would make him happy and give him what he was searching for.

Being openly gay was good for Tae. Great for his mental health. Fabulous to have the freedom from the chains of denial...

... Throwing himself into a relationship was not good. Diving in head first was a mistake. Being the one to initiate everything, learning to cook so he could woo a partner, going over the top with gifts... failure after failure because none of it mattered when it wasn't Jungkook.

That was the part that took a while to sink in and become reality. There was nothing wrong with the last guy. Tae couldn't fault him but like the others, there was no longevity and all his efforts didn't change how he felt. There was always that one 'what if?' and as his Father told him, he needed to confront the past.

"Hey." Jungkook greeted as Tae opened the door. He'd been glad of the hectic schedule he'd had as it managed to distract him until he was leaving his apartment, choosing to get the bus because walking over the bridge felt too familiar.

For months after that explosive day when Tae walked away, Jungkook spent too much time on the bridge. It was like groundhog day but every time he got to the fifteenth concrete pillar with its frosted spherical top he could see that Tae wasn't there. Prior to the break-up, that was the point when the butterflies used to start because he could see Tae up ahead and on a rainy day, the umbrella was visible from pillar fourteen. He would stand in the rain as it poured down, shielded by the umbrella, hoping that Tae would turn up and tell him he wanted to stay and he was willing to do what it took... but the bridge was always empty.