For the First Time

The Time Has Come

I stood up in the waiting room and looked over at Derek who was giving me a smile for encouragement. I then glanced over at Dr. Webber to find him staring at his feet. I had a feeling that something wasn't right, but as a surgeon you always expect the worse and hope for the best.

"She's in the ICU, bed 3," Dr. Webber told me. I nodded and began making my way there. I heard quiet footsteps behind me, so I turned around to find that Derek was following me.

"You need someone to be with you, you can't do it on your own," he said. I wasn't going to decline his offer. We always told the families of patients that they need to have more than one person because it's so hard to do it alone. We walked side by side all the way to the ICU. The walk was quiet, but comforting. Before entering the ICU, Derek took my hand and squeezed it tight. "I'm right here if you need me," he whispered in my ear.

"Thank you," I whispered back, "but I think this is something that I need to do alone." He nodded and understood where I was coming from. He reassured me that he would be right outside the door if I needed anything. There he was again, being so reassuring. Before rounding the corner I took a deep breath. I went over and slid open the sliding doors to find my mother connected to a bunch of monitors and tubes. I stood there in shock not able to move. I reached for the iPad on the table in front of me which displayed her chart. Her liver enzymes were low along with a bunch of other alarming statistics. Tears began to form in my eyes whenever a voice cut in.

"Meredith," Dr Webber said. His voice was distraught. "We did everything we could. By the time we got in there, the cancer had already spread to her colon and her kidney's. Liver cancer spreads quickly, you know that. I'm so...."

"Sorry, I know," I cut in. "It's what every surgeon says whenever there's nothing more you can do for the patient. By the looks of her chart you tried everything, and I appreciate that. But I think the best thing you can do right now is to give me privacy." Dr. Webber nodded and left the room. I went over to my mothers bed and pulled up a chair next to her. I've never seen her so lifeless before. "Mommy," I said stroking her hand, hoping that she would wake up. I sat there just thinking about nothing. I didn't know how to think.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry," a voice said from the doorway. Without looking I knew it was Derek. Before I was able to turn around he was already behind me, rubbing his hands on my shoulders.

"You know how I said if she died it would be like losing someone I never knew?" I asked him.

"Yes," he responded.

"All I can think of sitting here is what a horrible person I've been for the past six weeks. I didn't go see her once, and here I am sitting beside her on her death bed. Derek, I'm a horrible person," I said in a hushed tone trying to hold back the tears. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me. "I always tell myself I'm nothing like my mother, but I am. She would've worked for six straight weeks like I did, not acknowledging her family once." Derek still had his arms around me and I started to cry harder. I don't know why I was crying so much, she was never a true mother to me.

"Mer," Derek said, "from what I heard you're nothing like your mother. One time during my internship I was in the OR she was in and the way she handled the patient was the complete opposite of how you did. You never have to worry about being like your mother." He leaned down and kissed me on my tear stained cheek. Him being there was enough. I looked up at him and saw him staring at me.

"I'm so sorry," I said to Derek.

"Why are you saying sorry to me?" he asked.

"You've been so polite to me this whole time and so comforting, and all I've tried to do is push you away," I explained.