For the First Time

This Is Why

Emptiness. Loneliness. Abandonment. Pain.

"I don't know how to sleep alone," I said to myself in the dark room. I looked over at the clock. 12:28. I had been in this bed for two hours and haven't drifted off once. It had been over a year since I've slept in this huge bed alone. Of course there were nights whenever Derek and I had different shifts, but his scent was still there on his pillows, so it felt like he was right next to me. His pillows? Gone, along with the lingering scent of his cologne. His shampoo? Gone, along with the mop of hair that I knew so well. His warmth? Gone, along with his comforting touch. "I don't know how to sleep alone," I said once more. I looked over at the clock. 12:29. I tossed and turned for hours on end until my 5:00 alarm went off. Two sleepless nights.

I walked downstairs to get a pot of coffee made. The crickets were still chirping outside the kitchen window and the floors creaked beneath my feet. I searched for Derek's favorite coffee mug, and found it tucked in the back corner of the cabinet. I filled it to the brim with the steaming liquid, slowly sipping as I flipped through Derek's fishing magazine that he loved to read. He really loved fishing. I couldn't get myself to eat the granola bar I had set before me. After putting it back into the cabinet I went up to shower and get ready for the long day ahead. I stood there looking into the mirror wearing my black jeans, my red button up blouse, and my flats with my hair in loose curls. I looked miserable.

The drive into work was nothing out of the ordinary, constantly stopping and going at every traffic light. Seattle was desolate at 6:30 in the morning, not yet brought to life by the people who filled the buildings along the skyline. I pulled into the already bustling parking lot of the hospital. 

"Damn it," I muttered whenever I knocked over my purse, spilling all of my essential belongings all over the floor. As I picked everything up, a shimmering piece of metal caught my eye. My engagement ring that I loved so much. I brought it up to my eyes, staring at its beauty that two days ago sat upon my finger. With a sigh I stuck it into my coat pocket, where whenever I would change into my scrubs, I'd put it in that pocket to. Being without it just felt so wrong.

"I love you Meredith Grey, and I want to spend every second of the life that I have left with you." I shook my head trying to rid of the thought that once was the happiest days of my life. I gathered myself and made my way into the hospital. Exhaustion was already coming over me as the doors opened and I hadn't begun my day yet. I stood at the elevator waiting for it to open. Coffee. I need coffee is what my brain told me. The elevator doors opened and I looked up, and to my surprise, found Derek standing in the back letting out a big yawn. I avoided eye contact, quickly looking at my feet while walking in. We made no small talk as the awkward silence took over the tiny space.

"Meredith," he said with a sigh as the doors opened. I quickly ran out of the elevator in a full on sprint straight towards the attending's lounge and shut the door behind me. I was out of breath and was ready to go home.

"Look at you, being all athletic already this morning," Cristina said while peering over her magazine.

"Derek," I panted. "In the elevator. Awkward."

"You two still haven't talked? C'mon Mer," Cristina griped. "Buck up and go talk to him. You were engaged for goodness sake, and you two can't talk to each other like two civil human beings?" I swallowed trying to catch my breath yet.

"I don't know how to sleep alone," I said to her.

"You what?" she asked me.

"I don't know how to sleep alone. The bed's too big without someone else in it. I can't sleep, I can't even take a nap. It's been two days without sleep," I told her.