For the First Time

The Fight

Back to Meredith's POV

"Shit," I said dropping the ball for the fourth time in five minutes.

"It's alright, Mer," Derek said in a cheerful way. "It's going to take time for you to regain all motor function that you had before. Don't rush it."

"Throw it again, I'll catch it this time," I told the physical therapist who had been recommending a break. He tossed the ball to me another time and the only thing I caught was air. "Damn it!" I screamed before kicking the rack of weights over. My leg function was improving, but my hand eye coordination was only going farther down the drain.

"Can we have the room please?" Derek asked quietly. The physical therapist left the room and Derek stood there rubbing his temples as I sat on the examination table with my hands crossed. "Meredith..." Derek started.

"Don't even start," I fired back with tears running down my face. "I don't need a freaking pep talk just like I got yesterday, or the day before that, or even the day before that."

"Meredith you know this is going to take time. You're a doctor, you see your patients through things, you know how this works. You can't expect to fall off a horse and get back on and ride again. It takes time to heal, it takes time," he lectured.

"Well I don't have time!" I yelled. "I don't have all the time in the world to recover. I don't have the time to sit here and watch my life go by and not be able to do anything about it!"

"Do you know how damn lucky you are?" Derek surprisingly fired back. "Do you know how lucky you are to be alive? Let alone being alive but not being wheelchair bound for the rest of your life? You were so freaking close to being dead that I couldn't bear to think what it would be like having to bury you in the ground. For once in your life be grateful!" Derek turned around and walked to the window, putting his hands on the wall while letting his forehead touch the window. I sat there speechless. "We have got to stop doing this to each other, we have got to stop," he said while turning around. 

I slowly stood up from the table and slowly walked over to my wheelchair and sat in it. I couldn't bare look at him after realizing every thing that he said was true. I was so lucky.

"Can you just wheel me back to my room?" I asked wiping tears from my face. And with that we left the physical therapy room and headed back to the recovery wing.

Derek's POV

I walked down to the coffee cart after getting Meredith settled back in. She was exhausted and so was I. We had never fought like that, let alone fought like that in the state that she's in. I was brutal and I should have been more understanding.

"Hey," Owen said coming up beside me and flashing me a quick smile. "Let me pay for that."

"Thanks Hunt," I said while pouring over half the bottle of sugar into my coffee.

"Rough morning at physical therapy?" Owen asked hesitantly.

"You have no clue," I said back while rubbing my face. "Meredith doesn't realize how lucky she is to be here and I lost it. I said things I shouldn't have said and I couldn't sit in that room anymore."

"She's fighting her own fight?" Owen asked.

"What do you mean?" I said not knowing how to take that.

"All of our patients have a fight. A fight to try to get back to who they were before the surgery or before the accident. Many strong headed patients like Meredith fight their own fight. They want to recover so quickly that they don't even realize how much they're hurting themselves because of it. Don't worry about it Shepherd, sooner or later, she's gonna realize that she can't fight the fight, because the fight she's fighting is too big for her to do it in one day," Owen said. I nodded and his pager went off, sending him into a sprint down to the E.R. 

I walked back up to Meredith's room to find her fast asleep. The door was cracked and the curtains half way pulled shut.

"It's good for her to sleep," Cristina said behind me. "It's good for her to rest especially after physical therapy." I looked back and smiled back at her. She had a sense of sympathy on her face. "Derek, you can't let her do this."

"What do you mean?" I asked Cristina. 

"She's fighting you, and when she's fighting you, she's fighting herself," she said.

"I don't understand," I said.

"Look, I've known Mer ever since intern year. And she's been through more than you can imagine. And every time she goes through this stage, where she fights her own battle. But this time, it's different. She's never fought someone with it. She's fighting you because she can't stand for you to see her at her weak point. She needs you to be there for her instead of you trying to fight her to," Cristina said. I looked back at her and mouthed the words 'thank you' and headed into Meredith's room. I sat in the chair beside her bed, exhausted from evert thing that had gone on so far today, and before I knew it I was fast asleep right beside her.

***

I woke up and looked at my watch to see that I'd been sleeping for four hours. It was already dark outside and pitch black in the room. I reached over to turn on the lamp and saw that Meredith wasn't even in bed. I rubbed my eyes and stood up to stretch. My Bowdoin shirt was wrinkled from my nap but at this point it didn't matter. I made my way out to the nurses station while the bright lights stung my eyes.

"Do you know where Meredith went?" I asked the nurse.

"She went down to physical therapy about 30 minutes ago and asked us not to wake you," she said. I thanked her and made my way down. When I got there I looked through the window and saw Meredith doing some wrist curls. I quietly walked in and she turned around.

"Hey you," she said while flashing me a smile. She seemed like a totally different person. 

"Hey," I said.

"I wanna show you something," she said ecstatically. She slowly stood up and regained her balance. "Are you ready for this?" she asked.

"Go for it," I said with a smile. The physical therapist stood up and picked up the ball that Meredith couldn't catch this morning. I held my breath as he gently tossed the ball to her. She was able to touch the ball, which was farther than where we were this morning, but was late with her reflexes. She let out a deep sigh. "Here, let me help you," I said walking towards her.

"No, I'm okay," she said in a stubborn tone.

"Don't fight me," I said resting my body behind hers. She tensed up with my touch. I put my arms aside of hers and positioned my head on her shoulder so I could see. "Ready?" She nodded. The therapist gently tossed the ball one more time and I guided her arms and hands, and with ease, we caught the ball. A smile spread across Meredith's face. I kissed her cheek in congratulations.

"We caught it," she said looking at me.

"We did," I said before pecking her lips. And as we stood there catching that little red ball over and over again, I realized we were fighting her fight, together.

So I honestly love the message behind this chapter. I didn't realize it has been over a month since I updated! Life has been super busy lately, so I'll try to update every now and again. Feel free to follow my twitter account, pomptasticbells , so you can see when I update. Thanks for reading!