Inmarcesible

02

CHAPTER TWO

"My heartfelt condolences to you and to your family, Leik." I just nodded at the old lady. Who is she? I don't know.

I couldn't thank her or them. They say it's bad to say thank you. So, I just nod. Nod. I nodded my head the whole time I was standing beside Papa's casket.

Pero kahit nakatayo ako sa tabi ng casket ni Papa, hindi ko pa rin siya tinitignan. Hindi pa ako handa na makita siyang nakahimlay at wala ng buhay, kahit sabihin pa nila Ate na Papa looks peaceful, like he's just sleeping. I want to remember him na laging nakangiti at naglalambing, giving great advices at punong-puno ng pagmamahal ang kanyang mga mata. Alive. I don't want to see him like this. If I look, I will lose it all.

Ayokong maging sentro ng atensyon ng mga tao.

Punong-puno ng white lillies ang buong chapel. Maraming nakikiramay sa amin and they're all wearing white clothes.

Ako lang ang nag-iisang naka-itim.

Suits you, right?

Everyone is talking. Sabay-sabay sila. They are sharing their stories about when Papa was still the Mayor of Kalinawan years ago. They say, Papa was a great man and a great leader. I was listening the whole time dahil naniniwala ako sa mga sinasabi nila. Nasaksihan ko ito habang lumalaki ako.

Nakakataba ng puso na marinig ito. At the same time, lalo ring nakakapiga ng puso dahil everyone will say good things about you only when you're gone.

Papa is...

Oh god.

Papa was a great man and the best father that anyone could ask for. Maraming beses ko na itong sinabi and I'm proud na siya ang tatay ko. Hindi lang ako proud sa part na ako ang anak niya. A disappointment. The black sheep of the family. Isang kahihiyan sa pamilya Estia.

They said I'm the first gay in our family and I tarnished the name of our household for being gay.

Masama bang maging bakla?

They look at me like I'm a stain on their perfect white clothes.

But it doesn't matter. Really.

Yeah, right.

Ang mahalaga naman ay ang sinasabi ng pamilya ko sa akin at hindi ng ibang tao. And my family accepts who I am.

So, why did you run away?

I was busy fighting with myself when suddenly I heard a snap sound. Para bang tunog ng light switch. Just one snap pero sobrang lakas nito at para bang dumagundong ang kinatatayuan ko. And I notice when I look back at Papa's casket, wala na ito sa pwesto niya. Ang natira na lang ay ang nag-iisang kandila sa sahig sa gitna ng chapel. Tumingin rin ako sa paligid ko, wala na rin akong kasama. Not even my family.

It's just me.

What is happening?

Suddenly, I was transported into a dark place. I try to get up but I'm stuck but I can still smell the lillies and candles na para bang nakapaligid lang ang mga ito sa akin.

Next, the light turns on.

I am stuck, all right. Nasa loob ako at nakahiga sa isang glass.

Wait, what?

I check my sides at unti-unting lumiliit ang espasyo ko hanggang sa nasa loob na ako sa isang parihabang kahon: A casket.

My casket.

Now, I scream. I scream my lungs out. I started to panic. My heart is pounding so hard pakiramdam ko ay aatakihin ako sa puso. My hands are shaking, no, my whole body is shaking with fear pero kahit ganon ang pakiramdam ko, sinubukan ko pa rin kumawala. Nagpa-padyak ako at pinagsusuntok ko ang glass pero parang hangin lang ito sa mga bawat palo at sipa ko. At ang bawat paghinga ko ay sinasabayan ng pagtunog ng mga kamay ng orasan. I can't breathe.