Invisible String (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 9. Would've Could've Should've

Sorry this took forever. It is a very special one though! Enjoy! 

"Are you sure you're alright?" Jess asked while grabbing her bag.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I just need to be by myself and process this. Thank you though. I'll see you tomorrow." Edvin responded.

"Right, you're the boss. I'm just a call away if you need anything."

"Thank you." Edvin flashed a smile.

Edvin wasn't sure if he was actually okay, or if he was ever going to be okay, but Jess knew that the best way to help him was to leave him to process what happened.

He remembers the day he received the medal. He never felt prouder of himself. He felt like he was finally accepted. Growing up in Serbia wasn't easy for Edvin. Even if he wasn't out, he was still sticking out like a sore thumb. He never really had any close friends, because he couldn't tell them about a big part of who he was. No one from his home country knew about his sexuality, not even his family. And now... Now it was everyone's favourite topic.

For a second he thought maybe he should read a few more articles, and see what people online were saying, but once he unlocked his phone, a message from Adrian popped up.

"I'm coming over. Be there in 30." He read the message. Edvin couldn't imagine anything worse than seeing Adrian right now, he just wanted to be alone. But before he could think of a response, his doorbell rang. He realised that he received the message about half an hour ago...

He contemplated not responding to the bell and just ignored it, but he didn't want to worry anyone. He's just gonna let him in, tell him he's alright and that's that.

"Hi," the blond man greeted Edvin at the door.

"Hi," the boy responded.

"I've got snacks." Adrian handed a bag full of various types of snacks to Edvin.

"I'm going to need more than that..." Edvin didn't even realise he said that out loud and before he knew it he was letting Adrian inside his home and led him to the kitchen.

Edvin always felt uneasy letting people inside his home. It felt like it was an intrusion into his life, it was like he was letting people in too close to him. It didn't feel like this with Adrian. He wondered why.

"How did you know where I live?" Edvin asked Adrian who was unpacking the snacks.

"I have my ways..." Adrian responded.

"Thank you for coming over here, but I'm alright and you don't have to do... this?" Edvin gestured towards his co-star's general direction. "I just want to be by myself tonight."

"Actually, who said I'm here for you? Remember when you told me that it's okay to be selfish sometimes? Well, I'm here for myself, not for you. Of course, if you want me to leave, I'll leave." Adrian explained.

'Damn this man' Edvin thought to himself. He knows I won't kick him out now...

"I don't want to be alone tonight and you are the only person who knows what's happening so..." Adrian continued.

"Fine, you can stay" Edvin responded trying to sound as inconvenienced as possible but flashing a genuine smile. "We are going to need this though." He pulled out a bottle of wine from the fridge.

"Yes, please." Adrian took the bottle from him, unscrewed the top and drank straight from the bottle.

"I guess we might need a couple." Edvin took another bottle from the fridge followed Adrian's steps and took a swing straight from it.

"Cheers" Edvin clinked his bottle to Adrian's.

'Okay, this isn't too bad' Edvin thought to himself. They sat on his couch just talking about random stuff. He was scared that Adrian would try to comfort him and pity him about what happened, but it was nice to have a distraction and not to think about anything that was happening. But at the same time, he had so many feelings to work out.

"I feel so... Angry," Edvin exclaimed. "At first I was just sad, like I was grieving something."

"It makes sense, I can't even imagine what it feels like to be outed like this. Your whole world just changed."

It was true, Edvin knew that from today, everything would change and it will never be the same. There have been times when he thought what it would be like to come out and be open about who he is to the public. He dreamed about how nice it would be to write a song about someone he actually loved and they loved him back. Maybe he would've come out eventually, but definitely not any time soon, not at the height of his career.

"Where did you go?" Adrian's eyes were studying Edvin.

"What do you mean?"

"It seems like your mind wonders somewhere else sometimes, somewhere other people can't see or know about."

Edvin just looked at him, not sure how to react, because he was right.

"You know, sometimes you need to let people in and show what you actually think about. I know it's hard, but it's necessary." Adrian continued.

"I don't know how to do that," Edvin admitted it, not only to the man sitting next to him but to himself too.

"I think you do know. I think that's why your music is so authentic. I think you let people in through your music. That's why I fell in love with it." Adrian said.

It dawned on Edvin, that his co-star was right. Even though he always said to people that he writes music about characters and stories, he only realised now, that a lot of them were about him and his own feelings, feelings he couldn't talk about.

"Follow me." Edvin grabbed Adrian's hand and led him to his studio. He sat his co-star down, went to the desk, pressed record, headed inside the recording booth, took his guitar and started writing.

'Would've Could've Should've' kept repeating in his head. The chorus first came to his head.

"At 19, and the god's honest truth that the pain was heaven

And now that I'm grown

I'm scared of ghosts

Memories feel like weapons

And now that I know

I wish you'd left me wondering"

He knew exactly what and how he wanted to say. He wrote the verses in about 20 minutes and then the bridge came to his head.

"If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

Years of tearing down our banners, you and I

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts

Give me back my boyhood, it was mine first"

Tears started streaming down his face. He continued singing the bridge over and over again until his voice couldn't take it anymore.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed sitting in the studio, his head down, tears streaming down his face. He felt arms wrap around him. He slid off the chair to the floor the man holding him following him.

There they were again, on the floor, Edvin wrapped up in Adrian's arms.