Black And Blue-E.Buckley (9-1-1)

Fifteen

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it

"Thank you so much for coming over," Maddie pulled Eleanor in for a hug before she could even walk through the door. 

"Thank you for inviting me over. I'd be in the apartment alone otherwise." Maddie gave her a questioning look. "Buck's with Eddie and Christopher."

"They didn't invite you?" Maddie started walking to the kitchen.

"Uh, Eddie did but Buck and I are sort of having a disagreement so." Eleanor trailed behind.

"Oh, what about?" Maddie looked over her shoulder at Eleanor.

Eleanor hesitated for a moment. "..You." Another questioning look. "I told him that maybe he should back off a little and you'd come around eventually. That you just needed some time to heal and deal with things. He disagreed and thought that we should pretty much force you into celebrating. He even went as far as to compare us."

"Compare us?" 

"Like, I'm decking the halls hard, all about Christmas. I've been baking and decorating all week. But I've never experienced holidays like this so I wanna do something different, change things. You don't wanna celebrate for whatever reason, all reasons are valid though. I tried to explain to him that everyone is different and they handle things differently. We may have been in really similar situations but we handle things differently. Even our situations were different."

"Well, thank you for defending me. Sometimes I just don't know how to talk to him about this. And sometimes when I try he doesn't seem to understand. Which, I know, he's never been in my shoes so he won't understand everything."

"Listen, you don't gotta tell me anything. I get it, I really do. I think with Buck he just wants everyone to be happy and when they're not he tries to fix it but he can't fix everything. He really is trying though and it's because he cares."

"I know he is and I feel bad for snapping at him. I was just so overwhelmed and tired of pretending. That's all it was with Doug, pretending. Pretending to be happy, pretending to love him. Everything was just one big performance. I don't wanna do that anymore. Maybe I should've just explained it to him instead of walking away."

"Sometimes you need to walk away though, that's all you can do even. You shouldn't have to explain yourself all the time though. It's okay to snap and to act crazy sometimes. You went through hell, Maddie. I don't know about you but I've gotten so used to bottling everything up, not being able to talk that sometimes I don't know how to and I snap too. We have to unlearn just about everything that we've programmed into our heads. It takes time."

"You are so wise," Maddie wiped her eyes. "I 'm really glad I have a friend like you."

"Me too," Eleanor pulled Maddie in for another hug. 

"It's just Christmas is just a little touchy this year. Last Christmas was when I decided to leave Doug. I finally had enough and was just so ready to leave. Every time I think of Christmas, that's what I think of."

"I understand that and it'll take time to be able to make new memories to replace all the bad ones."

"I think that's the hardest part, the time. They say time heals everything but it definitely doesn't feel like it. I should probably call Buck later on and apologize."