Learn to Behave

Guilt

Trigger warning: ED, depression

When Ash woke up in the morning, Sara was still asleep. He stood up and put on some clothes—black trousers and a black button-up, the usual.
Ash felt guilty, what he did yesterday was damaging not only to her but also to the relationship. Where was his brain? He asked himself. Ash had to make up for it, the mistake he made was serious and his fault. Clearly, she should have behaved better. But most definitely, he should have known better as well. Punishing her while she had a sub drop, what happened to him and his brain?

Ash took the apartment key and went to his truck. He started the truck, and he went to the next flower shop. God, this guilt he felt. Never in all those years did he feel so shitty about another person. The door opened automatically, and the smell of lots of fresh flowers hit him.

The lady at the register greeted him in a friendly manner and asked him if there was anything she needed to show him. Ash vaguely explained what had happened and that he needed a nice bunch of flowers.

The saleswoman took him to the bouquets and showed them to him. One in particular caught his eye. Red roses with blue flowers, yellow roses, and green ornaments. Lilies were there, daffodils, violets, he was motley.

"I'd like this one," Ash politely told the saleswoman.
"Alright, this would make $50, anything else?"
"No, that's everything, thank you." Ash laid the 50 dollars on the desk and took the bouquet. The first part of the surprise is done, now on to the second part. He made his way to the next one in sight. His plan is a feel-good bucket with all the things you need to feel better. Ash walked into Target, first chocolate. Chocolate that is lactose-free would be best. Sara told him once that there was a very delicious one with pretzels. He made his way there and searched, knowing that Sara would be happy again no matter what.

Ash walked around and took everything he needed, ice cream, cereal, plants, a plush animal, a card, a game and so on.

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Meanwhile, in the apartment, it was not that late, but Sara woke up. She had been long asleep, but she still felt like shit. Then she realized Ash was gone. She walked around, looking into the bathroom, the kitchen, and her room everywhere, but he was nowhere to be found. Not even a note from him or a WhatsApp. That was enough to let Sara's tears spill again. Did he leave her, doesn't he love her? Sara took the Oreo cereal out of the drawer and ate the whole box of cereal. Binge. She binged; her old habit was back—binge-eating. She stood up and ate the whole cookie pack. When she found potato chips, she ate them as well. God, too much. In an instant, she ran to the toilet and vomited everything she ate.

She felt so disgusted with herself that she walked to the shower and sat under it, crying non-stop. She sat there until no more warm water was available in the apartment boiler. Soaking wet, she stopped the shower but wasn't able to stand up. It was one of the most horrible days so far.

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Ash finished his bucket, and the card was written as well, with a good feeling about what he could expect out of the situation. He walked to the apartment. Out of his pocket, he took the apartment key and opened the door. It was quiet, but then he heard little whimpers and sobs.
The only thing that rushed through his head was Sara. She was awake, she must have found herself all alone in the bed. Goddammit, how stupid can he be? He has not even left a note for her.

Ash looked around the countertop, the cereals were empty, the cookies were empty, and the bag of chips was also empty. No, please, he thought; she binged was the first thought. Did she have a history with it? If so, he didn't know anything about her eating disorder. Sara never told him about this.

Ash searched for her and found her in her bathroom, crying under the shower. A sour smell poured out of the bathroom—the flavor of vomit. He opened the door, and there she sat, soaking wet under the shower, crying and sobbing nonstop.
Ash rushed over to Sara and opened the shower door. She looked up with puffy red eyes, a swollen face, and tears rolling down her cheeks.