poems by yours truly

It calls, It wanes

Tw: anxiety, depression, fear of speaking/attention

As they call your name, you slowly turn

Your mind begins to run
Your scalp starts to pringle
You skin begins to wan
While the flush tells the tale

Your mouth moves
Yet nothing is spoken
All eyes on you
And you are shaken

The pressure builds
And time slows
What if they think I'm weird?
What if it shows?

You try to come up with something
Your voice comes out with a creak
You try again, embarrassed
As the blush grows on your cheek

It feels like you are drowning
The pressure of all the eyes
You don't like attention
So all you can think are lies

The lies comfort you,
Assure you they don't care
Yet you doubt the lies
For they are yours

You blurt something out
Something random
You hope it fits the question
Then you go back to being mum

You cower in your head
Anxiety rippling through
You know that they noticed
But you don't want the attention on you

What will they think?
I know I'm the weird kid
I accept it, but I hate it
After all, I'm less than mid

You try to distract yourself again
You never heard the question in the first place
You weren't paying attention
Your thoughts immediately a-race

You try to think back
Remember the question and answer
But all you can think about
Is if they judged more

Your muscles all weak
You try to relax
To pay attention
And not to later relapse

You're always zoned out
So when they call on you
You have to try to figure out what happened
Digging through your memory
Get the pieces to add

What will they think?
Will they be mad
You struggle to think
But you can't.

You struggle to smile
To hide the fear and pain
You twitch your lips
And the thoughts begin to wane

You connect the dots
And give the answer
Hoping it's right
So you don't have to try again later

You shift uncomfortably in your seat
Trying to ignore the thoughts
What if they're still watching?
And worry is still wrought

You'll go back to nothingness in a few
But for now you are stressed
The emotions whirling through you
Later to be left on read

You can't help but wonder
What would it be like to be normal?
What if I didn't panic everytime someone spoke to me
Or anything unexpected came
What would it be like?
To not have that fear running through
Every time you feel weak
You feel less like you.

You don't feel connected
More so than before..
Before you were on autopilot
Now you're looking more
Yet you still feel disconnected
As the thoughts pour

Why am I like this?
You shift in your seat
"Try to stay quiet"
"Noone will notice"

But what if they did.
What if they care.
You sure don't
But that fear
That they might
It's always there.

You feel like you're looking on in third person
As you give the answer
You feel without reason

Time slows
As you panic
Your mind starts to wear

Your scalp still tingles, your face still hot
Yet it begins to subside
Emotions distraught
You still feel the fear
But it's not as bad as before
You breathe in relief
Then shudder in despair

Why did you breathe?
What if they hear
Are they looking again?
What if I care...

The bell rings
You stand up to leave
Everyone in a wave
You standing there, dizzy.

You stumble out
You, the Clumsy.
Your senses swirl, too slow, too soon, too much
You can't handle it so you try to block it
It only partly works.

It hurts.
You hurt.
Your cuts sting
Your heart, it drowns
You feel the pressure
As the room spins round

You can't. Don't bring attention.
Don't pass out. Block it.
You can do this.

But you can't
Not really
Not forever
Someday, you know you'll fail
But not today. You mustn't

You struggle to hold the crumbles together
You stumble.

You make it, having zoned out
You always do, but this is like water
You make it through, like you always do
You have to. You can't do it if you falter

You sit there numbly
Holding it together
It slowly melts to putty
And you have nothing to fear

Life is noise. Yet it is absent
Looking on, they enjoy it
They feel it
You take a crit

Life is everywhere yet you can't feel it
You exist, but barely
And when you are woken up
You find your way rarely

It is time to sleep now
Let your brain rest
So you don't cut
Your whole life, the test