poems by yours truly

Gender (and body dysmorphia)

Note: this isn't really meant to be a poem, more like an explanation so pls don't complain, tyyy!

It dangles there disgustingly. Even as a child I ignored it, didn't look down in the bath or shower
I was horrified by the thought of body hair, and facial hair, even as a kid

I liked playing with girls, not boys. Boys were too violent and pushy, girls talked so I didn't have to, and played nice.

Of course I was weird, I hated it. I walked weird, flapped my hands, spoke weird, hell I had a speech therapist until middle school and that's only bc "middle schoolers shouldn't need it"

Anyway, I played with girls, not boys, it was much more fun. I tried playing with makeup with my sisters (and was way better at it, my gods they had so much on), and was yelled at for it.

I tried to join my sisters in playing but they kicked me out and said no boys allowed in the girls' bedrooms. Of course they were allowed in eachothers.

I was forced to have "hobbies" that tended to be viewed as boy-ish by society, like soccer, baseball, karate, surprisingly not basketball, and archery.

I actually liked archery, and girls did it too, but I always found it stupid that sports were gendered, it would be more fun to have girls on the team. And what the fuck is with softball vs baseball? Whenever I asked about that I was told "because girls are weaker so it's easier for them". It's complete bullshit.

My sisters did gymnastics and
whenever I asked about it, I was yelled at to stop being girly and asking stupid questions. So I stopped and hid it in a shell. I never wanted to do sports anyway, they just wanted to mold me into what they wanted of a son.

I was extremely happy, yet worried, when my puberty started late, I already HATED the idea of having a deep voice, it just felt...wrong.

I was also happy being shorter than most of the boys, although sadly that didn't last.

I plucked the armpit hair frantically, hoping it wouldn't grow, but it did. I zoned it out after a bit but almost had a panic attack over it so many times. I tried to keep it a secret, too

That disgusting dangly thing down there, I always ignored it in the shower, when I did shower (#depression), and NEVER looked down. I never thought about it, I just didn't. There was just an avoidance of what was down there, like it didn't belong.

I wore baggy clothing to hide my weight, and my chest. Why? I didn't know, I just hated that it was so flat.

My best friend at the time came out to me as bi and genderfluid, and I was like ooo explain, and they did.

I was never told by my parents what being queer was, and the one time they had mentioned the word gay was when we asked about it because it was on a sign. Looking back it was probably homophobic, and at a babtist easter drive through event.

He said it meant happiness, and then said "but some disgusting people go against God, and use it as a title for their disgusting actions."

He never bothered to explain what he meant and ignored it the rest of the drive.

We were also taught that "the only way to God is for a man and a woman to marry and have babies". Looking back it's completely horrifying, but they don't really let you know other perspectives do they? They just feed it into you from birth, when you have no control over what you believe.

When my friend explained it though, I didn't care, love was love. I found it ridiculous people couldn't see that, they loved people after all. I still knew to not talk about it at home though, I knew that much.