Touches or Stares (Bada Lee AU)

Chapter 31

Bada is silent the whole drive back to her apartment and I couldn't even think of a word to say to her I just stared at the window

"Are you okay?" She finally asked breaking the silence 

"Yeah..." I answered and I know that one word answer riles her up

"what's wrong Maddy?" She asked me and once again I couldn't come up with a word to say to her

What's wrong with me? 

Why is my brain acting this way again? Without a good reason

After a year when Bada left me, I went to therapy... Kirsten and Cate suggested it since I couldn't come to my senses and get over Bada even if it's already been a year after she left me 

I became unstable because of it and because of my Dad, then I became paranoid because of Damon...

And meeting Bada's Dad just showed me how different our culture is, and after she asked me to marry her everything just rushed back to me

I don't know if I'm having a panic attack or if I'm seriously deranged and fucked in the head.

"Maddy... you know I hate the silent game right?" She said with frustration evident in her voice as her grip on the steering wheel tightens

"I have class to teach at UGX tomorrow" I told her trying to change the subject, and scrolling trough my phone which is totally against Bada's rules when we're inside a car

"You haven't answered my question... And I thought you're done teaching there? How did you have another class?" She asked and I'm running out of options to not answer her questions  

I kept my mouth shut and she exhaled sharply

"Is this because of my question earlier?" She finally asked and I bit my lower lip

"I can see you, you know that right?" She said annoyance is drenching her words

"I'm tired Bada" I finally gave up... I'm literally...

Blank

"I don't know what to do here Madelaine... I don't know what to tell you and I don't know what I should do" She said as she parked the car 

I didn't wait a moment and got out of the car 

"Maddy!" She shouted my name but I ignored 

I unlocked her door and went straight to her room shutting the door and sliding down on the floor crying 

It was fine... It was going fine, why am I feeling like this? 

Nothing even went wrong...

Everything was moving smoothly, everything was great... Until it wasn't 

I could feel my heart aching all over again... Why am I so scared? Why do I keep asking myself what if she leaves you when you already given all of you to her?

I trust her, I really do... Do I really?

 I look at my hands and and violently wipe my tears, scratching my skin aggressively and I can see my skin turn red with my actions 

This is not fair I was okay a few hours ago... This is so not fair... I just want to be okay, to be able to forgive her and love her again and be happy with her...

Why is my brain preventing my heart to do what it wants?

"Maddy? Please talk to me... Don't shut me out" She said against the door 

I try my best to quiet down my sobs and punching my chest as the hollow feeling starts to hover me 

"Please Maddy... I'm here now..." She said I can hear her voice crack between her voice