Friends Don't Look At Friends That Way

part twenty.

If I could make money for every second of awkward silence that once again settles over the room, I would die a rich man. This has to be the universe playing one hell of a cosmic joke on me, right? I am no saint, nor do I pretend to be, but have I really stacked up so much bad karma for a situation like this to be thrown in my lap? It was bad enough that [Y/N] barely scraped by with her life, but now I have to be the one to remind her of everything she lost. I don't know if I can do it.

There was always a light to her that kept away a little of the darkness in all of us. I've spent the last year, silent on the sidelines, watching that light fade away bit by bit, helpless to stop it. How am I supposed to be the one that finally extinguishes it?

"What is wrong?" She says quietly, studying my stern expression with wide eyes. "What happened? Why can't I remember anything?"

"You hit your head pretty hard." I explain simply, wincing at the memory of her skull smacking into the floor. With all that followed, it had not dawned on me that there might be side affects to such an injury. My concern had been solely on making sure she lived, other consequences be damned. I am now regretting the relief surging through my veins, guilt creeping through the cracks.

Her brows knit together in confusion, frustration laid plain on her features as she turns over my words. With a tip of her chin, she signals me to continue.

"Carlos shot you." I flick my gaze down to the wound in her side then back up to her face, "By the time we realized it, you were pretty bad off. Hanging on by a thread. I got you out there of there as fast as I could to save your life."

A lump begins to form in my throat, dread settling heavy in my stomach. I don't want to do this. I don't want to shatter her heart for a second time. I am a selfish bastard and want desperately to cling to what I have left of the girl I know before that gets ripped away.

Those ever watchful eyes narrow slightly as she cocks to her head to the side, "You got me out?" She repeats my words back to me, her gaze slowly shifting around the room, "Where is Soap? Why didn't he help?"

"He is...indisposed at the moment."

"Indisposed?"

I give a slow nod in response and immediately I can see her chest beginning to rise and fall quicker as she attempts to take control her breathing.

"What happened?" She croaks out, voice choked with unshed tears.

"Carlos' men found us and we ran out of time. It was either us or them," I begin in a low tone, steadying myself by gripping the edges of my seat, "I got you out... but Soap saved your life. We didn't have any other choice."

"You left him there to die?" [Y/N] asks quietly, refusing to meet my eyes.

"That was what Soap wanted. He saved us by staying behind. He is a hero, [Y/N]."

Another long silence stretches between us, this time full of an uneasy tension that grates on my nerves. I expected a much bigger reaction, more sobbing and less mindless staring into the distance. I place a tentative hand over her own, coaxing her glassy gaze my way.

"Are you okay?" I pry, my tone as gentle as it comes.

"Get out." She growls in return, those soft eyes hardening with rage.

"[Y/N]-"

"He would have never done that to you," Her voice sounds soft, but there is a hateful undercurrent to it that breaks my heart, "Soap would have never left you there die alone if the roles had be reversed and you know it. So get out."

I am at a loss for words, my hands clenching and unclenching at my sides as I my thoughts stumble wildly over themselves to make sense of what is happening. She is blaming me for what happened to him. She is taking the choice he made and making it my fault. As unfair as it is for her to do, I don't blame her for it. She can't be angry with Soap, not after the sacrifice he made and he isn't here for her to rage at. That anger, that grief - it needs an outlet and I expected as much.

"And Simon?" She calls out, breaking through my inner turmoil.

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to see your face again until you find him."