...And I Am Going Home

Journal Entry 5

I have decided to find a new job. After what happened concerning Pride Month, I mulled it over and cannot work there anymore. Whilst no one is being outwardly horrible to me, I can still sense the coldness with how my boss and a few other coworkers have been treating me, mainly from the finance department and the social media manager. Even if I was okay with my photo being taken, I still would not have agreed to their pride campaign as it did nothing for the community and was just fake corporate pandering. I am wondering if there is anything I can do to be petty, but I would rather just save myself the risk and hassle and find somewhere else to work. There is also the rumour that a previous finance advisor, Miles Kendrick, decided to transfer to another branch because of me. They vary in reason that we had been lovers and I had cheated on him, or it was unrequited on his part, and I spurned him, led him on, or had a one-night stand and treated him horribly. None of them are true. Miles Kendrick did have an unrequited interest in me, but I specifically told him I did not return his feelings, and he refused to take 'no' as an answer. He would linger outside the office, watch me leave, and make me uncomfortable taking the bus with him, so I had to change my travel plans to work. Miles also stalked me to a club and tried to start a fight with my ex-boyfriend, Arden.

When asked by the people in my team about these rumours, I gave my side of the story, and they seemed to be on my side and believed me, but the finance department, of course, believed their fellow advisor, whom they had known for years. I wonder if they are still in contact with Miles and if he is still attempting to ruin my life, even in a different branch.

Usually, I wait until at least a year, ideally two, before moving on to another job, but half a year here would suffice. It's funny. I am horrible at dealing with change, yet I am okay with changing companies so easily. The transition is, of course, not easy, being somewhere new, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, and having to adjust to a new routine, but that brief period all seems so much better than having to stay in the same company, and I finally know why; looking back, I realise that in every workplace I have been at, there was always at least one person I could not stand, who could not work with me, understand me, to varying degrees. People misunderstand me, and I misunderstand them. I am perhaps too focused on rules and procedures and point it out to people, which is my job, but I am seen as the enemy. I do not understand fun or jokes.

Changing jobs every now and then is me just searching for a place where I feel totally comfortable if there is such a place. And this just makes me think of Kal's offer again. Not only would I travel constantly and be surrounded by new people for each show, but what if I reencounter the same problems? That there will be people who have miscommunication, misunderstandings or do not get along with me to the point that I cannot work there anymore? Perhaps I should just suck it up and grow a thicker skin. Of course, not everyone will like each other, but I can't focus when there is such hostility. Maybe I should just find a job that is fully remote and not have to deal with anyone at all.

Regardless, my current plan is to stick through it for another month and see if all this stuff about Pride Month and Miles Kendrick fades away, and if not, I will start searching for another job. Though getting another job would mean that I will no longer be so close to the restaurant Cody used to work at, I won't see Heather and Guy every day, one of my favourite parts of my current routine. It reminds me of the halcyon days when Cody was here, picking me up from work, and we go get coffee. The social aspect after work was good for me, a pick-me-up after a draining day before I fully immersed myself in happy solitude at home and rest. When I get a new job, I will have to find another alternative, one that involves coffee.

Another part of my routine will change soon, too. Kal will be on tour with an artist for a month, which means four Friday night performances without them. Rheanna and Darren have been preparing for it, making a setlist that will accommodate having no guitarist and the vocals being not so demanding for Rheanna since she has been performing in the burlesque drag shows for most of the week. She can almost do it as a full-time job, and I have been hired to help with everything technical, though Rheanna refused to pay me in lime and sodas and forced the money into my hands. With each performance I help in, I think more and more about how much I would want to do this full-time, Kal's offer weighing even heavier in my mind. But before I can accept, I need to feel ready.

Or maybe it is because I know that you are still around, lurking in the shadows, about to strike and take everything away from me. Remaining in the same place with the same people makes me feel safe. What if you will take everyone I love away when I am gone travelling? And I will have nothing to come back to.