i believe im a decent person. not to pretty but not to ugly, not to introverted but not to extroverted, not to popular but not to lonely, things like that. but sometimes it feels like i escape from that version of myself. like i become a different version of myself. not in like a dissociative identity disorder way but more of a like masking-something-for-so-long-it-just-breaks type way.
continuing to what i said in my previous diary entry (i don't even wanna finish listing it i don't even know why i left it on a cliff hanger) i was really upset and distanced myself for a while but then figured i was being weird so i got close to them again blah blah blah and now guess what?
i'm in love.
it all just kind of happened i don't even know how. i was alone with her for two seconds and all of a sudden she's like all i think about!! every word she says makes my heart start racing, when she looks at me i blush like crazy. even the way she sits (in a chair that is definitely to small for her cause it's made for primary students) gets me in a trance.
i've been drawing her whenever i have my sketchbook and making those little tiktok video edits when i'm out of school, and i know this is like stalker-ish or something but i record her when she's doing something that makes my heart speed up, which is most things she does to be honest....
I haven't told a SINGLE PERSON that i like her. i mean i'm sure people can tell, i don't exactly hide my feelings very well. i usually turn my feelings into jokes and i make A LOT of jokes with her.........
the dots were so unnecessary i cant stop laughing
anyway i'll call her Raya. pronounced like ray uh you knowww???
I started this entry with that paragraph because something happened today that made me question why to myself. lemme explain.
so i was video-calling Lin and Raya, just a casual call. totally not staring at raya. (maybe a little bit staring at raya.) BACK TO THE POINT! they were both planning to play a game and i really didn't wanna play because i don't like it but i was going to play for.. you know.. HER..
the thing is they always always always play this game with Hachi. i'm fine with Hachi in all honesty i have ZERO problems with her. but the thing is something so strange happened tonight. they invited Hachi to join our call cause they were gonna play the game duh. when she joined i couldn't help but feel annoyance. i was so confused.
she's been a friend for a while and she's awesome but i was so bothered by her being there. i couldn't help but stay stuck on the fact that she spoke to raya before anyone else. my heart started hurting in a weird way i don't think i've felt before. i turned off my camera and muted my mic and turned my volume down so i couldn't hear anything they were saying. i just laid there thinking.
since the situation with Vera i've gotten so close to everyone in this group, so if something happens i'm sure i'd know at least one thing about it. and i did know this time. i could never tell if this was a win or lose. i know raya likes me, which makes me feel so happy. but i also know that she likes 2 other people as well. one of those people being hachi and i don't even know the last one.
a few days ago i was talking to her and Kaiya. kai said something along the lines of "blah blah oh i'm not your favorite anymore blah blah" to raya (i wasn't paying attention so the wording probably isn't accurate it's whatever) but then raya said something that somehow totally stabbed my heart with some sort of crushy-lovey-dovey-feeling. raya responded to kaiya saying i was her favorite CRUSH and kai was her favorite FRIEND.
that made me feel SOO SPECIAL but actions speak so much louder than words though. she didn't act like i was her favorite crush. and that made me upset. she acted more like Hachi was her favorite crush instead. im so jealous of hachi i could just rip all her hair out and figure out how to do magic so raya would stop liking her. but that's extremely isn't ittt..
anyways i'm saying this because i had the crazy realization that I AM JEALOUS OF HACHI. duuudeee.... surprise!!! it was only tonight i realized i was jealous of her.
back when Lin and raya we're going to play a game and Hachi joined the call, raya said something that kinda got me upset. of course i wouldn't tell her that though, why would i? i don't want her to think i'm crazy because she has feelings for multiple people obviously it's happened to me to duh.
she said "Oh! Hachi! It's my soon to be girlfri-" she was cut off by herself realizing what she said, or avoiding embarrassment.
that's when i kind of shut down. i know it was most likely a joke. but it's just knowing she like-likes Hachi and like-likes me makes me feel like my chances are slimmer. im pretty sure Hachi likes Raya too.
i've been very worried about my public image and my future so i tried so hard to lose feelings for her, even focusing on things about her that might give me the ick. but i just couldn't help but love her i mean she's perfect. fuck i hate love.
what low-key hurt even more than that was how when i stopped talking and left nobody said "hey what's wrong" or "hey come back" or nothing. every-time someone else in the friend group is upset or just leaves with no warning they ask them to come back or atleast check on them, why didn't they do shit for me? they weren't even playing anything yet so why not me?
i'm probably being dramatic. but still. i really feel like my chances with her are slimmer when Hachi is around. i mean she focuses on her more than anyone else when she's near, and always asks about her too. don't get me wrong Hachi is so cool and a good friend but still i'm so jealous of her, sometimes i catch myself being a total bitch to her and apologize like crazy. i don't mean to.
Hachi is a little less than a year younger than me. she has herself mostly figured out. she's not exactly put together but if she had to she'd know what to do. maybe if i was younger or shorter or more put-up ray would've been more.. i don't know.. expressive with me like she is with hachi. i don't hate hachi i just wish maybe i was more like her sometimes.
besides love and other things i've covered, i'm doing alright. i'm kinda depressed though and i have no motivation to do anything ever. my heart motivates me while my mind just follows. speaking of my mind and heart,
i cannot read myself. i don't know if i want to date raya or if just FYB (friends with benefits) is more my style. FYB makes me feel like i'm on edge between a relationship and just being friends which is basically what it is but i don't like that feeling. every time someones like "let's be friends with benefits" or i enter a talking stage with someone, i always cut everyone who likes me off. like i don't even try to humor or encourage how they feel about me and i focus just on them. they never do the same for me.
i'm just another girl in a line full of like a hundred others. at this point one day i'll text raya and she'll say oh we can't talk anymore i got a super hot girlfriend who's so much better than you. uughhhh i hate this. it's happened before so it might as well be bound to happen again.
the only time i feel no competition is when we're alone. just me and her. it makes me nervous of course but i can't help but love not having anyone in the way. saying that makes me realize how crazy i sound...
but still just us both. together. alone. nobody to distract us. do you know how like happy that makes me. it's a time where she talks to just me and ONLY me.
wow. reading that back i sound like an insane person. this is why i try so hard not to fall in love. i'm always insane when i like someone. i want to do nothing but love them. i want to talk to them and only them. the only thing i think about is them. and i want nobody to you know get in the way of us. i hate love so muchhh.
im like crazy tired so im gonna not type anymore and check back in again maybe tomorrow. love you guys for real (me saying that as there's one single view on this)
note: all names are changed for privacy reasons.
