i'm going to be asked out.
the signs are like all clear and it's been hinted and foreshadowed and i just i don't know anymore.
if you read the last entry you clearly know i really like Raya like a lot a lot but there's just something up recently and i'm not sure.
i haven't updated this in a long while because i was really trying to engage in my life without spilling it to a bunch of strangers plus my friends who are reading this secretly who i specifically told not to (you know who you are.)
okay let me explain. at first i really really really wanted to be with Raya. like she made my heart race just looking at me, her voice made me feel warm and her wording is so cute. but there's the thing, i used past tense in those. i still have a crush on her like huge feelings. but something just randomly hit me
im not ready for a relationship. i can't handle it. i've been avoiding love for my whole life, i've never accepted love. i've never felt love, i've had crushes who like me back but it's never anything but friends with benefits. i like her, and she likes me but there's just this thing in my heart and i don't know what it is.
do i want a relationship with her? i think so??? but at the same time i can't see myself in a relationship?? but i just don't feel ready?? i just like i cant. i don't know what's wrong. even if i didn't like her the way i do a relationship would be good to pass the time since i've been alone so long, but even then i still can't get myself to be fond of the idea of me saying "i have a girlfriend." i don't know what's wrong with me?!!!??!?!
i've been talking to her every single day. text her in the day call her at night. people really noticed our intimacy with each other and i thought you know that was good because i never wanted to hide my feelings. but now, everyone has high expectations for me. they all knew raya and liked raya much longer than they knew and liked me. that means now they all have high expectations for me.
what if she really asks me out? i can't say no. everyone is watching. everyone is waiting. the unwanted audience feasts for more 'content' of what i never agreed to become.
i feel observed. watched. judged.
i've been fond with this group for about a month now i think. i've noticed their habits, and noted what to say around who. one slip can cause me to drown. so i avoid messing up.
for example, tell a secret to Kaiya, Aliyah knows. tell a secret to Raya, Hachi knows. tell a secret to Lin, Diane knows and vice versa. i know each thing i tell is shared. it's a long game of telephone.
i learned this the hard way. im not going to say what happened but Lin did something very disturbing involving Diane and i told Kaiya. immediately Kaiya told Aliyah. then i had to do a long speech about how what i did was wrong and they didn't help me out or anything. in fact clowned me for trying.
after that humiliating situation was over, i started to watch what i say to every single person in that group. i know their connections. even the one i trust the most, raya.
i know this is bad but even though we aren't together i already pictured our break up in my head so it would hurt less. i know if i dated her shed never hurt me, it's just i don't think we're on the same page.
let me elaborate. despite us being only months different in age, she isn't very mature. she also doesn't reason with people, if she believes something she doesn't take the time to even look at any other beliefs. just hers and only hers. and also she has a samsung :(.
i love her like i really do but she just gives me the ick sometimes. she's really strong physically and emotionally, but she's hinted a few times her feelings. and i know everything i say that had to do with her and love in the same conversation needs to be monitored. maybe i wouldn't feel so icky if she didn't do that baby talk thing or bite her cheeks when she takes a picture. i'm not so sure at this point.
i need to get my act together and come to a conclusion. do i love her or do i like her. huge difference. she is going to ask me out some time this week or next week, i know because she's hinted it a thousand times and so have other people. if i'm unsure when she asks i'm gonna have to let her down. she said shed cry if her crush (that's me) rejected her or even let her down easy
i don't know what to do at this point. she's been hinting it even more often now as well, saying things like "how would you feel if i told you i like you?" and "if i asked you out how would u respond?" that's the thing I DONT KNOW HOW ID RESPOND.
guys i really like her but i don't know how to handle this anymore. i even tried to manifest having a deeper crush on her. I TRIED MANIFESTING IT. i really want a relationship and i really like her but i don't know if i'm ready and i can't read my own feelings.
checking off now GOODNIGHTTTT
