i don't want to write about this next bit for very long so im just going to summarize it. i posted a short post in a public forum about some small issues i was having with my family. i got my electronics and bed taken away because i haven't left my room since the break up. i've been crying since then.
after briefly ranting about that, she replies with some sort of heartless comments about how thats just how shit is going to be because of the way im acting and the way the world is. since i was already pissed off i asked "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" and then she tried her best to explain to me what she meant but i could see that wasn't working out.
a few minutes later, around 10 to 20 minutes i mean, she shoots me another text.
"Hey, im sorry for butting into your family business, I shouldn't have just did that I know you don't need that input and you have your own issues, this is just new and different so I'm sorry and I hope your day gets better."
i really didn't take whatever situation that just happened very seriously but i know shes light hearted and since we aren't together anymore(hurts to say) she probably finds everything to be a bit more offensive than it was. so i understand.
"Its fine. It doesn't matter" i said.
a wave of silence passes. i just scroll mindlessly on socials for a while. then she messages me.
"i miss you."
i start crying. again.
i miss her so much nobody will ever understand. i don't know if i made the right choice anymore. it hurts. it hurts so much.
"i miss you too, Raya."
its so hard fighting the urges im getting. the urges to just message her and say "im sorry i regret it. take me back. i don't know what to do without you. im sorry. i really am. take me back. please." why did i not want her when i was with her but i need her when it's to fucking late.
Fuck. i gave in.
"Im sorry. i really don't know what im doing right now. I really need you. And i feel so stupid because im the one who ended it but im just an idiot."
silence for 30 entire minutes. longest 30 minutes of my life, i'll say.
After what felt like years, she responds.
she told me to think on it. what do i want?? i don't know what i want. i can't tell anyone about this, they'd hate me for giving in. but i need to make choices for myself not for anyone else. but i need help on this, when i say nobody can know i mean nobody. there is no one i can ask for help here.
about an hour passes, i can't think of anything. im stuck. i don't know i really don't.
"i've been thinking and i haven't come up with anything im sorry whatever happens is up to you i don't know anymore" i tell her.
"I can be happy on my own I know that, I'm not depending on you being my happiness, I'm not letting my you control my moods I'm my own person and becoming more independent for myself and for you" she said.
so she doesn't want me back, i thought. i knew it. but it hurts more hearing it this way. i can't help but sob.
i went out for brunch today. on my own. i didn't invite anyone out with me, i didn't even tell anyone where i was going. i just needed to be alone a bit and just think.
half way through my meal, i got that feeling in my stomach again. i wanted to throw up. i wanted to cry. but i pushed the feeling away. i just wanted to finish eating. as i walked back home, i put my headphones in. i figured the best option would just be to stay separated. we aren't for each other, as much as i still love her, and she still loves me, we can't be together.
despite me realizing this, i didn't message her. i didn't tell her what i felt about it. i decided maybe its for the better to just, not really talk to her much.
she publicly posts in an online forum that me and everyone else in the group are involved in. the words said in this message were extremely incoherent and hard to read. almost every word was misspelled, but i'll try my best to replicate what i think it says.
"Happy for y'all and your relationships if you are in one. I'm happy I made you all smile at least once. I love you guys, all in seperate ways. And, thank you for this. half fun, mainly painful experiences so far, and thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday. Thanks to the people who helped me mature in way and thanks to the ones who lied on my name and even hurt me. It helped me grow i appreciate it." she said, well i think she said at least.
i was thinking of this as some heartfelt message from her to her friends. but as i reread it it feels like a last message. Of course it wouldn't be a last message though would it? Then i start to panic.
after the freaking out sets in i check every social she has to see if shes online or if shes posted anything else. i start crying again, if she actually did what i think she did its all my fault. if she goes through with it i did it. how do i stop it??
"Fuck. Please come back, Raya, Please." I whisper to myself under my breath, if anything bad happens to her id never be able to forgive myself.
Maybe its just a trick. April fools is tomorrow, its a prank. she's just joking. right? she's kidding?
i comment / reply to her post, "Are you okay?"
she probably doesn't want to hear from me, but i have to know if she's alright. if she dies it's because of me. i cant let that happen.
after 20 minutes, which felt like years, i finally got a reply on my comment. she just says Mhm, misspelled as well, more like 'Mjhhjm'.
you wont understand the amount of relief i felt just seeing that she was okay, or at least still breathing. i know she's probably not doing what i think she will but its just so fucking scary.
again, she makes another public comment, "Thank you guys. For everything." also misspelled, obviously.
i have to make sure she's okay still. "You sure?" i ask.
No response.
I fight the urge to call her, or try to find her. I text her privately because im just really worried.
"I know it's probably nothing, but are you okay? im just a bit worried about you." i ask
she doesn't even see the message for a while, well just 3 minutes. but it felt like years. she just leaves me on seen. that's weird. "A response would be nice" i tell her.
I was fully expecting a reply from her. I didn't think it would go this far. I didn't know she would go this far
i have trouble catching my breath. i hope im wrong about what i think she did. i really fucking hope.
