i woke up, feeling, groggy?
i really didn't know how to approach the day. im avoiding everyone again. for what? the third time? who am i to call now? im all alone. but i feel that i deserve it.
i've treated them all so poorly. and look where we end up now. they're all against me. when they all realize who i am im going to become just like Diane.
it didn't feel right to do this again, but, i stalked over their conversations from a distance. this time they didn't care.
"im not sure wether she wants to break up, or what the fuck the motive is here because i usually just ask someone but i cant right now." She said while she was ranting, "Im worried, im scared, im paranoid, i don't know what the fuck to do because im left in the dark every single time."
this made me feel bad but also angry with her. i've tried to talk to her countless times about how i feel. and now that im attempting to go through with it here we are, she never listened.
"Im so scared. Spring break just started, and what? My fucking birthday is tomorrow."
Ouch.
"Fuck. Not this again." Bibi pitched in. bibi has never had an issue with me? is this like new? was she hiding this? ugh.
"I don't know if this is another one of her dumb fucking experiments but if it is im going to die. This just keeps fucking happening." She said.
Ive only done an experiment once. and it was very helpful to me at least. and i know it was a terrible thing to do for everyone else. but i did it. and it passed.
"Maybe she's going to surprise you! After all, your birthday is tomorrow." Vivienne said, i guess trying to cheer her up.
"Bullshit." Raya responded quickly, "Shes never once done something like that for me. Not for our anniversaries, not for anything special. Nothing."
Fucking ouch. this just proves to me she doesn't care about me trying. did she never see me trying? did she not care that i did everything i could for her? i tried to end my life. for her. this just shows she never really cared.
"When she 'goes ghost' like this, its always when something special or important gets close. then she comes back, apologizes, and everything goes back to normal. And guess what? It happens fucking again." She continued.
I never realized it was always when something special would come up. I genuinely didn't. I began to cry, i don't know why. It hurt so much to see her hurt over me, even with the wrong information at hand. And also seeing her say all of this to people we don't even talk to much.
Shes just going to turn everyone against me now. And im not even supposed to be hearing this conversation. So i cant say anything, i cant clear my plate. I cant control this. Its out of my hands all i can do is just observe.
"I understand she's not good at relationships, cause she isn't made for them. At all." She said, "But damn, im trying to help you and teach you here, im just confused. I cant be left in the dark left n right. Cause this is all that happens."
"Why are you still with her if she keeps doing this? I'm not trying to step on anyones toes or anything, but you shouldn't be left in the dark like this. Its not fair." Vivienne said.
