i couldn't stop crying after sending the last message. an "okay." is how it started, and an okay is how its now ending. i know it was the right thing to do but im in so much pain. and im starting to regret it. i could've at least waited until after her birthday.
i know her. i know them. i know now they're going to plan on kicking me out of their group and then my name will be only mentioned in the worst conversation now. and i know this was all for the better, but the better hurts. it hurts a lot.
Riley and Lynn were notified that we broke up about half an hour after we did. i knew they'd be jumping for joy about it, considering its all they would talk about. and they'd get mad at me for not doing it.
"Hey. are you okay?" Riley asked.
i didn't exactly know how to approach that question. in all ways, no, no im not. but i should be. this was supposed to make me okay. im not the one who got hurt from this situation so i should be okay. but im not.
"No. No i'm not." I replied, "I am not okay, thanks for asking."
i had to be honest with him, i've trusted him this much. i cant lie now, that would be wrong.
"if you knew the relationship wasn't going to last, theres no point in trying to save it." he said, "know it was for the better."
"yeah. i know."
i stare endlessly at the wall. it's over now. the pain i went through, but also all the love i received. its all over. why am i crying? this was supposed to be a moment of relief. why does it hurt so bad?
i just sit there blankly. its over. i called it off. what happens now? i get a text again.
"I have a lot of questions, but im just going to ask one so i don't ruin anything." She said, "Do you think i'll be okay?"
"I know its gonna be hard right now. It'll be complicated for the both of us, but, i know you're going to be okay." i told her
then, she replied, "Do you think we will ever get back together? Like, is there any chance at all? What would have to change?"
i really didn't know how to respond to this. i don't know. i really don't.
"i mean.. maybe someday, sure?" i responded.
"you should be proud of yourself. Knowing you have such an impact on someone like this." she said, "i know id be proud."
"Well. Im not. Im not proud of it. It should've been someone else with this impact on you." i said
"I don't think in any universe i can hate you."
this made my heart ache. i could never hate her either, but i don't feel the love anymore. i wish i could reciprocate the feelings she has for me so bad but it isn't possible.
"Why did you want us to break up so bad?" She asked, "Why??"
"i know you wanted it for a while. Whats the real reason."
there were many reasons i could've said here. i already broke it off, i can be honest. but i don't want to hurt her still. i've hurt her enough.
"I mean.. there were many reasons." i responded.
"Did i cause any of them?" she asked, "Were any of them based off of anything i've ever said or did??"
"mainly just my feelings are fading and are almost gone" i say, "but also your emotional dependence or the way you handle certain situations. other things as well i don't want to say."
