(These chapters are out of order, will upload previous chapters once i finish writing them. i stopped journaling for a while but i started back up when things started making me sad again. so im sorry for it being out of order, do not read if you don't want it to be "spoiled" in a way and wait for the chapters to be complete.)
Our break up is inevitable.
if you read from start to here you know how much i've changed, how much we've changed. and it's tough.
this entire week I've just been thinking about leaving her. i don't want to hurt her, i cant hurt her. our every move has reputation, we have watchers. our friend group of people i dont even like observe our every move. rely on us for a proper display of a relationship in a way.
we arent a good display of one at all. were rocky, were messed up, im messed up. i fucked this relationship up. now the only way to fix it is to leave her. but its so hard to.
ive been talking to Lynn and Riley a lot more than i used to do before, when i actually enjoyed being with my friend group that is. now i probably show up just once or twice a week to promote my music or check to see if they're even alive. Lynn always gets mad at me for still being with her. Telling me im leading her on, saying its hurting her more that im with her. I haven't told them all the details, clearly, but ive ranted with no filter a few times. they all think the break up is whats best.
I really thought this would work out well. I never wanted to hurt her, and you know that. But, this, whatever this is thats happening right now, is inevitable. We cant avoid this, and it hurts to know i tried to. I was planning to talk to her today. Then break up with her.
I really don't want to, but at the same time its the only thing i want right now. I want to be single. I want to not have to watch what i say, or who i talk to, i want to write the words to my songs without the fear of her disapproval. I miss my freedom. After that "Honeymoon Phase" passed, i feel chained to the relationship. I don't want to be in it, but im in it, but i also want it, but i feel like i have to want it in a way.
When i used to think of us, i used to think of us going on dates or us kissing where no one can see or the things we would do behind closed doors. Well, now, i really just imagine myself locked and chained up and away. Restriction to move, no freedom. While she stands next to me commanding me like an animal.
I know she doesn't mean to come across that way, i know her. I know she isnt like that. But at the same time, she is, and i know she is. This is all so confusing. I dont want to hurt her, but its almost like not hurting her is whats hurting me.
I messaged her, asking if we can talk later. At that moment i was driving home. I didn't want it to happen immediately as i was trying to avoid it. I was just giving Lynn and Riley the satisfaction that i even asked. She replied immediately and agreed to talk.
The second i got home i put my keys and bag down and took my jacket off and just plopped onto the couch. I screamed. Loudly. If you told me, 5 months ago that it would end up like this, i would've stopped talking to her before she could even ask me out. Im tired. I am so tired.
I waited for 2 hours drowning in my own thoughts. I decided to just call off the conversation as a whole, so i dialed her number and called her. I cant do it. Her birthday is coming up, she knows so much about me, she knows EVERYTHING about me, she'll never forgive me for this, we'll never be friends again like we were before, the anticipation, the waiting, it was killing me.
She simply replied with, "Are you sure? If somethings bothering you its best we speak about it."
I just responded back with, "Im sure."
"Okay well if something comes up and you wanna talk about it with me, just say it okay", She responded.
These made me feel horrible about what i was thinking about. All she wants is to love me. But i don't want her love. I want her to just stop, but not so much to where she leaks everything i've trusted her with. Apart from me just writing in here, i would never tell anyone anything shes done or trusted me with.
I just told her okay after that. just a simple "Okay."
Then she says, "You enjoy whatever you're doing. I love you."
I sat there and stared at my phone with my heart beating, heavy. If i say it ill feel horrible, as if i don't love her. Well, I don't love her, but she doesn't know that yet. But at the same time i do love her to the point where i want her to be well and happy and i want her to be well taken care of and this is so much.
I figured to just respond with one word. Maybe send her a hint. "Thanks." i said.
"If you don't say it back, i will kill you." She said, almost immediately after. Its like i could feel the tone and mood change through the phone. I will admit, this scared me. Ive always been terrified of her since i first found out how she can actually be. How can such a beautiful person, with the best knowledge on love i've ever seen in my life, be so cruel?
"I don't give a fuck how you're feeling" she continued, "you're going to say it back, even if you don't mean it."
I felt trapped. Imagery in my head reenacting this moment would be as if i was being cornered against the wall with no escape and i had to do what she said to be set free. I just uttered out sounds that were barely even words. Stuttering and tripping over sentences. I finally just muttered out those four words.
"I love you too."
"Thank you. Now, you can have fun. Bye." and she hung up. its almost like you could hear her put back on the act she puts on in front of everyone. she puts on this show with everyone she knows, making her always seem like the victim. Just because i didn't cry in-front of 20 people when asked about my relationship doesn't mean i have it any worse than her? We're in the same relationship, in fact, this hurts me so much i cant even feel an emotion anymore.
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I've been reading our old messages, looking at old pictures. So i can update the previous chapters, cause i haven't written them yet as im writing this. I am crying. This hurts. It hurts to think how happy i was, how blinded i was. It hurts my heart knowing back then i would never know id feel like this now.
I asked everyone, how they would feel if i left for good. Not a hiatus, not a break. Say my final goodbyes and move on from them. Of course nobody had the chance to even speak. Raya immediately said "Don't fucking do that. Keep fucking playing." I don't think she realizes how terrified i am of her, and how trapped i feel.
Like yeah sure its a joke. Yeah. A funny joke. I laughed so hard. Help me get out of this. I cant. I can't be in this with her anymore. We need to move on from this. Im so tired.
I left every group that im in with them and blocked or unfollowed everyone on everything. They did nothing. They did absolutely nothing. I am so tired of being the one who's overlooked and the one who causes all the annoyance and the one who nobody really even likes. I am so tired. I need to leave. But at the same time i feel this guilt. As if im the boy who cried wolf, and all my pleading for help was perceived as a lie. So now all they see me as is some fake person who makes up problems.
I want them to understand that im the one who needs help. I know she's going through things, just like i am, but that doesn't give her the right to make every fucking thing about just her. Its so tiring seeing her constantly publicly rant about me, with all the wrong information. or making indirect comments that are very direct all at once. but this time nobody cared. but im okay with that. Raya just texted me "U good?" and i did not reply. Theres no solution to this. Whatever happens next, happens. It's inevitable.
