Hey.
it's been a while.
i only ever really wrote, you know here, whenever i felt down. it's been a long time since i 'died'. let's catch up.
i disappeared from everyone's lives for about a week or two after the last entry. i know that's a short amount of time, but it gave me all the information i needed. as the days passed by so slow yet so fast i watched as everyone gave up on me. i watched them stop trying to get me back to them. only took them a day to give up.
the only person who kept trying was raya. my raya. i missed her so much, i really did. but staying as a ghost, not being seen but still watching, was beneficial to get what i need.
i watched raya go through so much because of my absence. i saw her cry, i saw her joke about it, i saw her fight, i saw her in fear, i saw her angry and i saw her blame herself.
right before my disappearance she was planning on asking me out. she had things prepared and everything. i didn't know how i'd answer her so i just left.
watching her grieve like this.. over me. all i wanted to do was help her but i couldn't. she was the only one who cared. the first to notice and the last to give up.
everyone said she was annoying or repetitive because she kept talking about me. they kept telling her to shut up and be quiet etcetera etcetera.
i changed some things up on my socials, hoping it would hint to them i'm okay. them meaning only raya. my raya. i didn't care for any of the others. they never cared. she did. she always did.
if she cares, and i know she cares, and i love that she cares, why don't i know my hearts answer? i care about her so much, she cares about me. "what's the problem?" i thought.
i just watched over them for hours on end. writing, writing, writing, and writing. nothing happened apart from watching and writing. all i could do is observe.
after watching over for a long time, i couldn't handle it anymore. i couldn't stand to see raya grieving like this, and everyone else hurting her more than she already was. so i popped back in. i made an appearance out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation.
nobody seemed to care. but raya was ecstatic. she was jumping up and down, squealing, and so excited i came back. at that moment i knew i wouldn't regret showing up again. although this little experiment taught me who i should avoid. came to the conclusion that i should stay around a little bit longer. it may lead to something nice.
i progressively started including myself in conversations again over text. nothing really changed. same old two faced people with the same problems. i knew who i wanted to get rid of and who i wanted to keep. although, i'd only really keep raya.
you know, i really tried to lose feelings for her throughout my ghosting period. i just couldn't. being away from her but still watching from a distance made me fall even harder. i'm so in love with her.
i built up the courage to hangout with the group for the first time again. they weren't so happy to see me but it was okay as long as raya was happy, it started out as pretty much everyone there. but then it just ended up hachi, raya and i.
we had an average conversation with each other. typical group talk, about games and other stuff. what else would we talk about? especially since i came back to life just a few days ago. we talked on and on about whatever, super unnecessary filler i know. but then it was about time everyone parted ways because it was getting late. Hachi left first and it was just me and raya. i kept staring at her hoping she wouldn't notice.
