For The Hope Of It All

Kiyara

Anya drives us up to Montauk at around 10AM but we don't get there until almost 1PM. While the city was deserted, we'd hit traffic once we got to Long Island. It's a nice drive there even though I'm not too fond of drives that last more than an hour if I'm honest. I don't travel out of New York City often aside from when we go to Luna's farm house in Hudson or Benny's lake house in Saratoga. Or Benny's mom's house in the Hamptons. My dad wanted me to go to Indonesia for the last Eid but I couldn't get leave since it coincided with Benny's mom's wedding. So I decided to go to that instead because was a lot cheaper than traveling to Jakarta. But Montauk, I'd only ever been twice. The last two times being Santi's parents place for the 4th of July party they've hosted. This time though, it felt a little bit different. I hadn't seen Santi for a few weeks now and even though we talked almost every day, I missed him. More than anything. Not just the sex but as a friend. As a person I could talk to. I liked him more than I liked most people. We had definitely gotten closer since we started sleeping with each other in the beginning of the year but even aside from that he was just so kind, I wasn't used to it. The guys I usually involved myself with were possessive, not one to share and often viewed me like an object. I mean, I liked it in the realm of sex but Santi was different. He treated me like an equal both during sex and after. I found myself waiting for his call or his text. It was so unlike me. I don't think I'd ever watched my phone so obsessively like I did these past weeks.I think if I were to fall in love with anyone, it'd be him. But I knew that with the sex, it'd just be too complicated. Santi and I both made it clear from the start that no matter what, we'd value our friendship first. It'd be like if Ilyes fell for me, except we weren't friends. That was the last thing I wanted. He was already so needy. I would be a hypocrite for feeling that way about Santi. The last thing Santi would want was for me to go back on the agreement. It'd make being friends far too awkward. I thought about ending the sex between us but I think losing him in that way while remaining friends would be a colossal loss for me. I was selfish in that way. I relished in the feeling of being wanted by Santi, even if it was only sexual. But even then, I couldn't help but hope that maybe somewhere deep inside Santi could feel more for me.

As we pulled up to Santi's family's house, he stood at the bottom of the porch steps as though waiting for us. I couldn't help the giddiness that flooded me or the pounding in my chest. I felt like a school girl. I wanted to run to him and kiss him and tell him how much I missed him. The feeling was overwhelming and so foreign and so unlike me. Maybe I'd keep that for later, when he's back for good. Anya approaches him first once we've parked the car so I take the time to admire him from where I stand as they exchange their hellos. In his fitted black shirt tucked into his smart black pants. He looks so good, casual but still formal in a way that only he can pull off. He looks a little pale but not as gaunt as he had been when he left. I could tell that his hair had grown out even while it was slicked back, but his facial hair remained the same. A trimmed scruff, just the way I liked it. Santi kept his eyes on me, even as he greeted Anya with a hug and kiss. She was kind enough to step aside so Santi could pull me into his arms. He smelled the same, YSL Libre wafting from his neck. Santi presses a kiss to my cheek but all I can think of is how badly I want him inside me.

"Hi gorgeous, how have you been?" Santi greets me, hugging me tight. It feels good in his arms, even better that I had his full attention on me.

"I've been good. Can't believe you were able to make it back just for the 4th of July"

"Right? Didn't know you were so patriotic Santiago Margolis"

A soft laugh leaves his lips as he finally pulls away. He keeps an arm around my waist as he gestures to the house. Anya leads the way inside, leaving Santi to walk with me behind her. When I meet his gaze, he gives me another kiss on the cheek and I pray that he can't feel my burning cheeks against his lips.